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By now the outrage has gone viral. Suze Orman told a young couple that they couldn’t possibly afford for the wife to stay home when they have another baby because, among other things, when they have a new baby, their expenses “will go up $700-$1000 a month” due to having to pay for “diapers” and “this and that.” I don’t want to go into the whole financial situation of this particular couple (like the fact that they are already spending more than the two of them make together and, therefore, probably need way more help than this post is going to provide), and I don’t really want to criticize Suze Orman. Maybe she just pulled that number out of her hat, but also maybe it reflects the misguided norm of our Western consumer culture as applied to babies. And that’s what I really want to talk about. That $700-$1000 a month somehow sounded reasonable enough to throw out there on national television, and the young couple (who already had one baby) meekly nodded their heads. Plenty of seasoned thrifty family types are arguing that it’s ridiculously high. But I, being a details person, wanted to explore how high it really is and how much better a creative family could do.
Let’s look at minimal-stuff parenting and do the math.
If this is your first baby (which it wasn’t for the couple on Suze Orman, but I want to start here to be thorough and to lay a little ground work for discussing the costs of subsequent babies), you will have a few start-up costs. You have to have a car seat. You can spend over $200 easily, but if you go with a basic model, like this convertible car seat (saves money because you won’t need a bigger one for an older child), you can pay just about $55.
Car Seat Total: $55
Your baby also needs a place to sleep. The absolute cheapest option is co-sleeping (provided you and your husband can sleep that way and you research safety issues). If you decide to go the crib route, this is going to be your big ticket item, but not necessarily awful if you can find one second hand (be sure to check for safety recalls) or from a basic bargain store like Walmart–for example this crib for just $89, paired with an inexpensive mattress for around $40. You will also need bedding for a crib. They sell all kinds of fabulous, impressive sets for well over $100, but you could also just buy some sheets like these for $5. Whether you co-sleep or use a crib, you’ll probably want a waterproof mattress pad to go under baby, like this ultra basic model for $7.
Sleeping Total for Co-Sleeping: $7
Sleeping Total for Crib: $141
Now, just three things remain as genuine must-haves: clothes, blankets, and diapers. Clothes for babies can be ridiculously expensive, but that is why there are thrift stores and garage sales. Your baby doesn’t really need more than about 6 little gowns or sleepers and maybe 6 or so onesies for layering. Add in a couple of baby hats for the early days or cold weather, and you’re good to go. At the Salvation Army or a similar boutique, this should all run around $30. In the winter, you will need a snowsuit type thing, so you can add in another $10 for posh second-hand snuggliness. Blankets, I haven’t seen second-hand much. Garage sales would be a great option, or worst-case scenario, you could get one little multi-pak of receiving blankets like this package of four for $6.
Clothing and Blanket Total for Summer: $36
Clothing and Blanket Total for Winter: $46
Diapers are a big deal. Even Suze Orman came up with them, while the rest of baby care was relegated to “this and that.” Diapers are where the major ongoing monthly expense comes from (unless you’re formula-feeding, which also comes with a hefty price tag). This makes cloth diapering the ultimate in both green and money-saving parenting. It also shifts diapers from a mainly monthly cost to a mainly start-up cost. There is a dizzying array of high-tech, fancy-pants diapers out there, but good old-fashioned Chinese prefolds work just fine. I find I can do nicely with three dozen. I found these for just $18/dozen, roughly the price of one jumbo box of generic brand disposable diapers (good for about four weeks of continuous use). You’ll need something to cover them with. I love my Thirsties, but you can go super-frugal with plain plastic pants like these at three for $4. You’ll probably need to buy a couple packs. And since these won’t hold your diapers together for you, you’ll also need pins like these at 10 for $1.50.
Cloth Diapering Total: $63.50
Personally, I would have a really hard time without a nursing cover and a soft baby carrier. But technically, a receiving blanket will work as a cover (or you can make one for around $5 by sewing velcro onto the top two corners of a 42 inch finished square of fabric), and you can make your own no-sew baby carrier following the directions here. You’ll need five yards of fabric, which you ought to be able to get for under $15 with a coupon. The fabric gets split down the middle three ways, so you’ll end up with three carriers, which mean you could share the cost with a couple of frugal friends ($5 for each of you) if you wanted to.
Super Useful Extras Total: $10
You don’t need a changing table (just lay a diaper on the floor for a changing pad) or burp rags (cloth diapers double for these). Diaper bags are adorable, but any backpack or tote bag you already have will work just as well. Diaper pails are nice and convenient, but a tall kitchen trash bag with a drawstring will also do the job. For wipes you can cut up an old cotton t-shirt or two into conveniently sized squares, wet them with warm water, wipe off your baby’s bottom, and wash the cloths with your diapers. Old hand towels make great bibs when held on with clothes pins. Swings can be a life saver if your baby likes them, but they certainly aren’t worth keeping an outside-the-home job for. Ditto for strollers, especially if you have a soft baby carrier. And you can wash your baby in the sink and dry him with a towel you already have and skip the baby bath and cute hooded towel. (Thanks to my blog readers for pointing this out to me in the comments here.) Books can come free from the library, and kitchen utensils make wonderful toys (as long as you use common sense– I’m talking about spatulas and plastic spoons, not forks, knives, and vegetable peelers).
Let’s recap:
Start-up Cost:
Co-Sleeping Baby Born in Summer: $171.50
Co-Sleeping Baby Born in Winter: $181.50
Crib-Sleeping Baby Born in Summer:$305.50
Crib-Sleeping Baby Born in Winter:$315.50
This is a lot of money, especially for a struggling family, BUT first-time parents are usually given baby showers, or at least baby gifts, and if you can register for things like a car seat and cloth diapers, your cost will go way, way down. AND if you can register for gift cards to the local children’s resale shop, you can help alleviate some of the upcoming first-year costs as well.
OK, so now that you are all set for baby’s arrival, the monthly cost begins.
First of all, a baby has to eat. Breastfeeding is obviously the cheapest and best food for your baby. The only cost is going to be the cost of getting the extra 300-500 calories/day your body needs to produce milk (an additional 200 calories/day comes from your fat stores–BONUS!). This is going to vary wildly depending on what you eat, but let’s say you get your extra calories from a glass of whole milk (2 cups gives you 292 calories) and a medium banana (105 calories), which gets you to 397 calories, right in the middle of the range. Over the course of a month, that’s 30 bananas and 60 cups of milk, or just under four gallons. At $3/gal, that brings a monthly milk total to $12. Thirty bananas at 7 oz/banana is 210 oz, or just over 13 pounds. At 59 cents/pound, the monthly banana total comes to just under $8.
Monthly Extra Food for Mom Total: $20
The next monthly cost is the extra laundry a baby brings. I figure this is at least two loads/week of diapers, and maybe another load per week of clothes for both you and baby. (Your clothes will get spit up and diaper blowouts on them occasionally.) According to the kind soul here who factored in electricity, detergent, fabric softener (which you should not use on diapers, but it was only 10 cents anyway), water, and appliance depreciation, washing came out to 65 cents per load, and drying came out to 45 cents per load. Together, that’s $1.10, and for three loads, that’s $3.30. At four and a half weeks per month, the total cost of extra laundry is just under $15.
Monthly Extra Laundry: $15
You’ll probably also need to buy some pharmacy items now and then: fever reducer, baby shampoo, diaper rash ointment. You could ask for this for your shower if this is your first baby, but you’ll be on your own for subsequent babies. If you buy your local grocery store brand of one thing per month, you’ll probably never go over $5/month.
Monthly Pharmacy Purchases: $5
If this is your first baby, at some point during the first year, you’ll probably need to go up a size in diapers. That will come to $62 (assuming your ten pack of diaper pins is still useable). If you spread this cost out over twelve months, you get about $5/month.
Next Size Diaper Investment: $5
And if this is your first baby, or your first one of a given gender, you’ll have to head back to the thrift store roughly three more times in the first year to get bigger baby clothes. One of those visits will probably include a winter coat, so let’s say you have two $30 visits, and one $40 visit. That comes to a total of $100, or just over $8/month.
Monthly Clothing Investment: $8
And now to recap the monthly cost:
Monthly Cost for a Baby with Same-Sex Older Sibling: $40
Monthly Cost for a Baby with Opposite Sex Older Sibling: $48
Monthly Cost for a First Baby: $53
The wild card here is going to be medical costs, which vary so greatly that it’s impossible to estimate them for everyone. It all depends on your insurance whether everything will be covered or whether you’ll have co-pays or some percentage that you’ll have to contribute. But when it comes to “diapers” and “this and that,” if you parent with minimal stuff, even for a first baby, an entire year’s worth of parenting costs ($636), PLUS start-up costs, including a crib ($315), for a grand total of $951 squeaks in just under Suze Orman’s estimate of the MONTHLY cost of a SECOND baby. And a second baby of the same sex as the first would only cost $480 for a whole year, roughly half of Suze Orman’s monthly estimate. Granted, this is a severely austere plan, but if it’s a question of doing without material extras like bouncy seats and exersaucers and doing without Mommy, I think the casualty should be the exersaucers. Maybe the viral outrage really ought to be directed at our silly consumerism that keeps mommies at work when they really want to be home.
Today, I’d like to bring you the second interview exploring the way ladies facing fertility issues feel about the Quiverfull movement. If you missed the first one, you can read it here.
Now, please welcome Stephanie Clark of Mommy in Waiting.
Please introduce yourself and share a little background on your personal fertility journey.
I’m Stephanie Clark, a 24 year-old who has struggled with infertility since I was 15. Not that I was trying to have children then (I only got married 3.5 years ago!), but I’ve always known—thanks to irregular cycles and my mother’s fertility history—that I would have problems conceiving. For the first year or so of our marriage, I was on an oral contraceptive called Yaz that my GYN proscribed as soon as she heard I was engaged. I didn’t question it—it’s what everybody just did when they were as young as I was: I was still in college and wanted to pursue a graduate degree before risking kids. After encountering some Quiverfull CDs, books, and blogs, my husband and I began to reconsider that decision, and shortly after we opened our hearts to children—whenever and however many God intended. I’d been regular for over a year thanks to birth control, so I’d kind of forgotten the trouble I might have. But seven+ months after stopping Yaz, I had never had another cycle. I waited a year, and then my GYN proscribed Clomid to help me ovulate. A year and many Clomid cycles later, I went to a fertility specialist, and for the last four months I’ve been on Femara, also to help me ovulate. Though ovulation has occurred, pregnancy has not, and all around me friends who were married since we started “trying” are getting pregnant, if not already having babies. I’m not going to lie and say that I can rejoice with them without a selfish ache in my heart. I’m still not sure exactly what causes my infertility, and—thanks to a ridiculous insurance policy—we can’t afford to find out for a while yet.
How does it make you feel when people discuss “Quiverfull” ideology?
There are two sides of me reacting to Quiverfull. One is the knowledge that the truth of God’s Word is being preached in saying that children are blessings and should never be rejected or avoided by a married couple. I am wildly supportive of the ideology, and cheer it on and promote it whenever possible. That’s the intellectual side, even the spiritual side. The emotional side of me does hurt, especially if it’s recently after another monthly disappointment. But just because the truth might “hurt my feelings” or make me feel selfishly sad that I cannot, at this time, enjoy the blessings spoken of does not change that truth or the need for it to be spoken.
Do you think the idea that children are a blessing is an important one to get out to the world, or is it a wrong or unhelpful focus?
I think it is highly important to spread this message to the Christian world, yes. We have a duty to our brothers and sisters to share with them the truth of God’s Word, to hold them accountable so that they do not fall away. However, I think going to a rural tribe in Africa who have never heard the Word of God and immediately jumping into, “Oh yeah, and you know those condoms the international workers gave you? It’s a sin to use them.” might not be the best idea. First, people need to hear the Gospel and, after they have obeyed it, then more mature Christians can begin guiding them in the details of the faith, this one—eventually—included.
Have people ever assumed that you don’t have children because you don’t want them? And if so, how do you feel about it when it happens?
I think because my husband and I are still in our early 20′s and have been married less than five years, people assume that we don’t have children yet because we’re not ready for them, but it’s rarely brought up in conversation. When it is, I usually clarify that no, we would like as many children as God would give us as soon as He would want to give them to us. They’re often quite shocked. It can be hurtful, but only as a reminder that I don’t have a baby in my arms.
One thing I have noticed is that when I’m loving on a friend’s baby, people around us will comment to my husband, “Uh oh, better get that baby away from her—she’s got the fever,” as if my husband wouldn’t like the idea of babies. He is quick to correct them, however.
How does it make you feel when people announce they’re “expecting another blessing”? Is there a way we can be more sensitive about pregnancy announcements?
It depends on the situation. If the mother-to-be has been a mother many times over already, I can be a little bitter. The same holds true for the young expecting woman my age who has been married for a much shorter time than I have. Facebook is not my friend: it seems like there are pregnancy announcements and updates on every other status post I scrowl through. I admit that there have been occasions when I’ve selfishly burst into angry tears, and then I feel like a horrible person, so I cry some more about that. I used to blame the hormone-wrecking Clomid, and recently I haven’t had that excuse, so I guess it’s just me.
I don’t know of a more sensitive way to make the announcement, really. The pain is of my own making: they are not hurting me, and to be hurt by their time of rejoicing is a horribly un-Christian thing that they should not have to deal with. One thing that does bother me is when expectant mothers complain about pregnancy symptoms, how tired they are, how bad they’re feeling. I want to shake them a little and say, “I’d give a whole, whole lot to be throwing up every day, and don’t you forget it!”
What are your thoughts on adoption, IVF etc.? How do you feel when well-meaning people bring up these options or other ways of fixing your “problem?”
At some point, I would love to adopt. It has always been our “game-plan,” always been something we’ve prayed about. But recently we decided that we didn’t want to turn immediately to that as an alternative. Whether we have children “of our own” or not, someday we do want to adopt.
IVF is something I’m undecided on. It is not a bridge I have been near crossing, yet, and so I cannot say would I would or wouldn’t do if that were my only option to have a biological baby. If I were to pursue that option, it would be in such a way that no fertilized eggs would be left frozen or discarded.
What is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said or done to support you in your fertility struggles?
“I’m so sorry.” That’s it. There’s no need to say, “God’s timing is perfect” or “He has a plan” or anything else, however well-intentioned it may be. I know these things are true, but hearing them over and over and over again from people in all walks of life (some of whom are on birth control, ironically enough) doesn’t actually make me feel any better. It makes me feel as if they are feeding me some trite, spiritual phrase, passing the buck to God, unwilling to face my pain head-on and just grieve with me. After a recent disappointment, a good friend (a single man, actually, who I wouldn’t think would understand at all) simply said “I’m so sorry.” And he meant it. And that was enough. (I hope that isn’t offensive to anybody; I know a lot of people just don’t know what to say, but again, “I’m sorry” will usually suffice.)
Here are some links to some of Stephanie’s blog posts for those who’d like to read more.
Posts on Fertility
Posts on Birth Control
Posts on Children
There’s a funny thing about God. He doesn’t distribute His blessings equally, not in beauty, brains, finances, energy, health, talent, and not in babies. That’s something that often gets lost in the shuffle during those Quiverfull discussions about how children are a blessing we should all be joyfully willing to welcome. It is woefully easy to make the logical jump from “children are a blessing” to “the number of children you are blessed with is a measure of your spiritual worth in God’s eyes,” And that is when women who would dearly love children, but who, for one reason or another, can’t have them start getting hurt.
I wanted to explore a little of how the Quiverfull world (including myself as a pro-big family blogger) looks to women who have struggled with fertility. So I started begging my friends for interviews, and a couple of them have graciously agreed.
Today, I’d like to share with you the first of those interviews. This one is with Kim from Canada, blogging now at Whatsoever I Do, but with tons of great archives still at her last blog, The Executive Housewife.
Please introduce yourself and share a little background on your personal fertility journey.
I am known in blogland as Kim from Canada. I am 42 years old, a (mostly) stay-at-home mother of two. My daughter was born when I was 30 and my son when I was 40. So infertility was a very real part of my life for 10 years, because I would have had 10+ children if the Lord had been willing.
How does it make you feel when people discuss “Quiverfull” ideology?
The quiverful discussion was always a frustration for me to listen or participate in. I am 100% a believer that children are a blessing, however this ‘quiverful’ discussion rarely discussed that fact that God opens and closes the womb. So often the topic will focus on how women need to be open and trusting to having as many children as God sends to her…usually a discussion led by someone with 4-10 children. The other side of the coin is trusting God when He doesn’t send any children, or only one.
Do you think the idea that children are a blessing is an important one to get out to the world, or is it a wrong or unhelpful focus?
YES we should promote the fact that children are a blessing, especially in a world that sees them as such burdens. The focus should be on this alone, not necessarily the number of children an individual woman can produce.
Have people ever assumed that you don’t have more children because you don’t want them? And if so, how do you feel about it when it happens?
My infertility issues didn’t happen until after my daughter was born. That pregnancy had happened easily and without incident. It was after a couple of years went by, and my husband and I started talking about having more kids (apparently that isn’t how you get them). We had never tried or not tried for pregnancy before because we were content with our family situation before and after my daughter came along. Then, at 32yo, all of a sudden pregnancy wasn’t easy. I know when my daughter reached 4-5yo people did assume we didn’t want anymore. Of course by the time my daughter was 8-9yo, there were those who questioned our understanding of the ‘quiverful’.
How does it make you feel when people announce they’re “expecting another blessing”? Is there a way we can be more sensitive about pregnancy announcements?
During the years when I was struggling with God’s decision about our family size, and month after month being disappointed, my husband and I heard of people that were getting pregnant. To be completely frank, I was angry about it. Looking at these other people I questioned God’s choices. It was so hard to smile and be gracious about another ‘announcement’, but I don’t believe there was a better way to hear about them. It wasn’t anyone elses’ problem, God was working on me and I needed to see that.
What are your thoughts on adoption, IVF etc.? How do you feel when well-meaning people bring up these options or other ways of fixing your “problem?”
Adoption is a great idea, however, in Canada it is either necessary to go through the Children’s Aid Society (I wouldn’t associate with them for anything) or work with overseas programs that are beyond my financial status. As for fertility clinics and the procedures and medications available, I was never able to get past the fact that I am to trust God with this (and all) areas of my life. I didn’t see these as options for me. I have heard of people who are working through infertility as comparing these clinics to accepting medication for any other illness, i.e. a diabetic takes insulin why shouldn’t an infertile couple use IVF. However, I always saw it more as a comparison to cosmetic surgery, i.e. if I don’t like my nose I’ll fix it, if I don’t like my womb I’ll fix it. NEVER would I condemn someone else for taking this route – it just wasn’t for me. These were things that were suggested from both christian and secular people, I explained my reaction to it the same as above.
What is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said or done to support you in your fertility struggles?
My husband was the most encouraging person in my life through those times. He would always remind me that life was good when it was just him and I; and life was good no matter what size our family was.
Is there anything that you wish ladies who haven’t struggled with fertility could understand about relating to you and other women who have?
Just remember that we want to be included in activities for moms and kids, even if we are coming alone. Don’t beat around the bush if you have a question, but keep the advice to a minimum…we have heard, read and researched it all. Listen more than talk.
Here are some links to some of Kim from Canada’s posts for those who’d like to learn more.
On Quiverfull Issues:
God Gave Me One
Not Again!
The remarkable story of what happened when, after ten years of waiting, Kim’s handsome little son was born:
Though He Slay Me, Part 1
Though He Slay Me, Part 2
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