Today, I’d like to bring you the second interview exploring the way ladies facing fertility issues feel about the Quiverfull movement. If you missed the first one, you can read it here.

Now, please welcome Stephanie Clark of Mommy in Waiting.

Please introduce yourself and share a little background on your personal fertility journey.

I’m Stephanie Clark, a 24 year-old who has struggled with infertility since I was 15. Not that I was trying to have children then (I only got married 3.5 years ago!), but I’ve always known—thanks to irregular cycles and my mother’s fertility history—that I would have problems conceiving. For the first year or so of our marriage, I was on an oral contraceptive called Yaz that my GYN proscribed as soon as she heard I was engaged. I didn’t question it—it’s what everybody just did when they were as young as I was: I was still in college and wanted to pursue a graduate degree before risking kids. After encountering some Quiverfull CDs, books, and blogs, my husband and I began to reconsider that decision, and shortly after we opened our hearts to children—whenever and however many God intended. I’d been regular for over a year thanks to birth control, so I’d kind of forgotten the trouble I might have. But seven+ months after stopping Yaz, I had never had another cycle. I waited a year, and then my GYN proscribed Clomid to help me ovulate. A year and many Clomid cycles later, I went to a fertility specialist, and for the last four months I’ve been on Femara, also to help me ovulate. Though ovulation has occurred, pregnancy has not, and all around me friends who were married since we started “trying” are getting pregnant, if not already having babies. I’m not going to lie and say that I can rejoice with them without a selfish ache in my heart. I’m still not sure exactly what causes my infertility, and—thanks to a ridiculous insurance policy—we can’t afford to find out for a while yet.

How does it make you feel when people discuss “Quiverfull” ideology?

There are two sides of me reacting to Quiverfull. One is the knowledge that the truth of God’s Word is being preached in saying that children are blessings and should never be rejected or avoided by a married couple. I am wildly supportive of the ideology, and cheer it on and promote it whenever possible. That’s the intellectual side, even the spiritual side. The emotional side of me does hurt, especially if it’s recently after another monthly disappointment. But just because the truth might “hurt my feelings” or make me feel selfishly sad that I cannot, at this time, enjoy the blessings spoken of does not change that truth or the need for it to be spoken.

Do you think the idea that children are a blessing is an important one to get out to the world, or is it a wrong or unhelpful focus?

I think it is highly important to spread this message to the Christian world, yes. We have a duty to our brothers and sisters to share with them the truth of God’s Word, to hold them accountable so that they do not fall away. However, I think going to a rural tribe in Africa who have never heard the Word of God and immediately jumping into, “Oh yeah, and you know those condoms the international workers gave you? It’s a sin to use them.” might not be the best idea. First, people need to hear the Gospel and, after they have obeyed it, then more mature Christians can begin guiding them in the details of the faith, this one—eventually—included.

Have people ever assumed that you don’t have children because you don’t want them? And if so, how do you feel about it when it happens?

I think because my husband and I are still in our early 20′s and have been married less than five years, people assume that we don’t have children yet because we’re not ready for them, but it’s rarely brought up in conversation. When it is, I usually clarify that no, we would like as many children as God would give us as soon as He would want to give them to us. They’re often quite shocked. It can be hurtful, but only as a reminder that I don’t have a baby in my arms.

One thing I have noticed is that when I’m loving on a friend’s baby, people around us will comment to my husband, “Uh oh, better get that baby away from her—she’s got the fever,” as if my husband wouldn’t like the idea of babies. He is quick to correct them, however.

How does it make you feel when people announce they’re “expecting another blessing”? Is there a way we can be more sensitive about pregnancy announcements?

It depends on the situation. If the mother-to-be has been a mother many times over already, I can be a little bitter. The same holds true for the young expecting woman my age who has been married for a much shorter time than I have. Facebook is not my friend: it seems like there are pregnancy announcements and updates on every other status post I scrowl through. I admit that there have been occasions when I’ve selfishly burst into angry tears, and then I feel like a horrible person, so I cry some more about that. I used to blame the hormone-wrecking Clomid, and recently I haven’t had that excuse, so I guess it’s just me.

I don’t know of a more sensitive way to make the announcement, really. The pain is of my own making: they are not hurting me, and to be hurt by their time of rejoicing is a horribly un-Christian thing that they should not have to deal with. One thing that does bother me is when expectant mothers complain about pregnancy symptoms, how tired they are, how bad they’re feeling. I want to shake them a little and say, “I’d give a whole, whole lot to be throwing up every day, and don’t you forget it!”

What are your thoughts on adoption, IVF etc.? How do you feel when well-meaning people bring up these options or other ways of fixing your “problem?”

At some point, I would love to adopt. It has always been our “game-plan,” always been something we’ve prayed about. But recently we decided that we didn’t want to turn immediately to that as an alternative. Whether we have children “of our own” or not, someday we do want to adopt.

IVF is something I’m undecided on. It is not a bridge I have been near crossing, yet, and so I cannot say would I would or wouldn’t do if that were my only option to have a biological baby. If I were to pursue that option, it would be in such a way that no fertilized eggs would be left frozen or discarded.

What is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said or done to support you in your fertility struggles?

“I’m so sorry.” That’s it. There’s no need to say, “God’s timing is perfect” or “He has a plan” or anything else, however well-intentioned it may be. I know these things are true, but hearing them over and over and over again from people in all walks of life (some of whom are on birth control, ironically enough) doesn’t actually make me feel any better. It makes me feel as if they are feeding me some trite, spiritual phrase, passing the buck to God, unwilling to face my pain head-on and just grieve with me. After a recent disappointment, a good friend (a single man, actually, who I wouldn’t think would understand at all) simply said “I’m so sorry.” And he meant it. And that was enough. (I hope that isn’t offensive to anybody; I know a lot of people just don’t know what to say, but again, “I’m sorry” will usually suffice.)

Here are some links to some of Stephanie’s blog posts for those who’d like to read more.

Posts on Fertility
Posts on Birth Control
Posts on Children

There’s a funny thing about God. He doesn’t distribute His blessings equally, not in beauty, brains, finances, energy, health, talent, and not in babies. That’s something that often gets lost in the shuffle during those Quiverfull discussions about how children are a blessing we should all be joyfully willing to welcome. It is woefully easy to make the logical jump from “children are a blessing” to “the number of children you are blessed with is a measure of your spiritual worth in God’s eyes,” And that is when women who would dearly love children, but who, for one reason or another, can’t have them start getting hurt.

I wanted to explore a little of how the Quiverfull world (including myself as a pro-big family blogger) looks to women who have struggled with fertility. So I started begging my friends for interviews, and a couple of them have graciously agreed.

Today, I’d like to share with you the first of those interviews. This one is with Kim from Canada, blogging now at Whatsoever I Do, but with tons of great archives still at her last blog, The Executive Housewife.

Please introduce yourself and share a little background on your personal fertility journey.

I am known in blogland as Kim from Canada. I am 42 years old, a (mostly) stay-at-home mother of two. My daughter was born when I was 30 and my son when I was 40. So infertility was a very real part of my life for 10 years, because I would have had 10+ children if the Lord had been willing.

How does it make you feel when people discuss “Quiverfull” ideology?

The quiverful discussion was always a frustration for me to listen or participate in. I am 100% a believer that children are a blessing, however this ‘quiverful’ discussion rarely discussed that fact that God opens and closes the womb. So often the topic will focus on how women need to be open and trusting to having as many children as God sends to her…usually a discussion led by someone with 4-10 children. The other side of the coin is trusting God when He doesn’t send any children, or only one.

Do you think the idea that children are a blessing is an important one to get out to the world, or is it a wrong or unhelpful focus?

YES we should promote the fact that children are a blessing, especially in a world that sees them as such burdens. The focus should be on this alone, not necessarily the number of children an individual woman can produce.

Have people ever assumed that you don’t have more children because you don’t want them? And if so, how do you feel about it when it happens?

My infertility issues didn’t happen until after my daughter was born. That pregnancy had happened easily and without incident. It was after a couple of years went by, and my husband and I started talking about having more kids (apparently that isn’t how you get them). We had never tried or not tried for pregnancy before because we were content with our family situation before and after my daughter came along. Then, at 32yo, all of a sudden pregnancy wasn’t easy. I know when my daughter reached 4-5yo people did assume we didn’t want anymore. Of course by the time my daughter was 8-9yo, there were those who questioned our understanding of the ‘quiverful’.

How does it make you feel when people announce they’re “expecting another blessing”? Is there a way we can be more sensitive about pregnancy announcements?

During the years when I was struggling with God’s decision about our family size, and month after month being disappointed, my husband and I heard of people that were getting pregnant. To be completely frank, I was angry about it. Looking at these other people I questioned God’s choices. It was so hard to smile and be gracious about another ‘announcement’, but I don’t believe there was a better way to hear about them. It wasn’t anyone elses’ problem, God was working on me and I needed to see that.

What are your thoughts on adoption, IVF etc.? How do you feel when well-meaning people bring up these options or other ways of fixing your “problem?”

Adoption is a great idea, however, in Canada it is either necessary to go through the Children’s Aid Society (I wouldn’t associate with them for anything) or work with overseas programs that are beyond my financial status. As for fertility clinics and the procedures and medications available, I was never able to get past the fact that I am to trust God with this (and all) areas of my life. I didn’t see these as options for me. I have heard of people who are working through infertility as comparing these clinics to accepting medication for any other illness, i.e. a diabetic takes insulin why shouldn’t an infertile couple use IVF. However, I always saw it more as a comparison to cosmetic surgery, i.e. if I don’t like my nose I’ll fix it, if I don’t like my womb I’ll fix it. NEVER would I condemn someone else for taking this route – it just wasn’t for me. These were things that were suggested from both christian and secular people, I explained my reaction to it the same as above.

What is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said or done to support you in your fertility struggles?

My husband was the most encouraging person in my life through those times. He would always remind me that life was good when it was just him and I; and life was good no matter what size our family was.

Is there anything that you wish ladies who haven’t struggled with fertility could understand about relating to you and other women who have?

Just remember that we want to be included in activities for moms and kids, even if we are coming alone. Don’t beat around the bush if you have a question, but keep the advice to a minimum…we have heard, read and researched it all. Listen more than talk.

Here are some links to some of Kim from Canada’s posts for those who’d like to learn more.

On Quiverfull Issues:
God Gave Me One
Not Again!

The remarkable story of what happened when, after ten years of waiting, Kim’s handsome little son was born:
Though He Slay Me, Part 1
Though He Slay Me, Part 2