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Here We Dance Again

My universe has turned a sickly pale green. I have all the energy of a cancerous sloth. For the sixth time, I have begun the dance of new life. This is the dance of creation, of sacrifice and pain. It’s heartburn and weariness and pickiness beyond all reason. It’s the smells of silly things like a fridge full of leftovers tripping my gag reflex. It’s constantly begging family members for a cup to handle that weirdest of all pregnancy symptoms: excessive, overwhelming saliva production.

I have always written a letter to each new baby on the day I find out that I’m pregnant, but this time, those two thunderous pink lines appeared the day before we left for our cross-country trek to see my parents and brother, and the letter got put off. We made it out and had a great time, but limped home under the growing weight of my exhaustion and nausea. And the letter got put off still longer as we had to turn right around and go again just a few days later to another reunion on the other coast.

And now I am home and just surviving. There is little else but this dance. But steadily, quietly, beneath this queasy tummy, through days the laundry doesn’t get put away and the dishes don’t get washed, there is growing a tiny soul. A soul who will also dance. A soul who will smell rain and give hugs, maybe cry over story problems or bang out original compositions on the piano. A soul who may cure Parkinson’s, or publish poetry, or help an elderly neighbor plant flowers.

Jesus suffered and died to give me life. Can I shrink back from this chance to suffer that someone else may live? Can I lose sight of my child’s dance in the slow, hard steps of my own?

When I finally dig out the pastel card stock and write my letter to my baby as a weary, nauseous, busy, homeschooling mother of soon-to-be six, it will be to say this:

Dear Baby,
You are worth it.

24 comments to Here We Dance Again

  • So beautiful, Andrea! Congratulations on your newest blessing!!

  • Thia

    Congratulations!

  • CONGRATULATIONS! Praying for a healthy baby & a healthy momma!

  • Adele

    Congratulations! I am also wishing you strength to get through the hard parts. I know you know, *really* know, all the way down to your core, that this new baby is a blessing just like your others. That shines through in your post. Still, it is no contradiction to know that fact deep down, but on the surface be overwhelmed by the misery or just the exhaustion of the moment. Sending you thoughts of peace and grace.

    Take care,
    Adele

  • Lauren

    Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles here…speaks to me quite a lot.

  • Hilary

    Congratulations on your wonderful news–I hope the nausea and fatigue pass soon!

  • Charity

    How beautiful! We’ve just recently found out that we’re expecting our fifth blessing, so this post is quite timely for me. I will be praying for you as we gag through our days together. ;)

  • YYYYYEEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

    :D

    I’m sooo excited for you! I have been and will continue to pray for you as you deal with all those exciting symptoms. :\ I had to keep reminding myself that Baby trumps getting the dishes done, or mopping the floor, or fixing dinner (because the leftover smells in the fridge really got to me too).

    <3

  • Aw! So sorry you’re feeling so ill! But so excited about a new little cousin in the lot!!!! Congratulations!

  • Kathi

    My dearly beloved niece, I am so happy for you, although I empathize with all my heart! My sixth was Stephen Samuel, now 24…practicing a concerto downstairs and filling my heart with joy every day! He was born on July 5 amidst almost unbearable heat and a house full of company who had no clue what it felt like to be 2 weeks overdue. I’ll never forget the horrors of pregnancy and the “dance” of survival with little ones, but I’m thankful every day for each of my seven children and wouldn’t trade them for anything on earth!

  • So very happy for you and your whole family! Yes, this baby is definitely worth it all…praying for your strength during this time. Bless you friend!

  • Dear Baby, YOU ARE worth it! And so are you, Mama. Hope your days are full of something to smile about EACh day. Praise the Lord for a little one coming!

  • Jana

    Oh, Andrea! Congrats!!!!

  • Fantastic to hear about #6! And, I do empathize with the sickness that comes with it – but they are worth it. Many blessings on you, your husband and #1, 2, 3, 4, and 5!

  • Dear Andrea, my sincerest congratulations! I hope all goes well! When are you due?

  • Elizabeth

    I have been following your blog for a while now, and I’m really happy for you, and perhaps this post doesn’t merit anything but congratulations, but… I’ve already left a similar comment on Bethany’s blog, “Apple Cider Mill”, because this is an issue with which I have been struggling.

    I have two children. My husband is now talking of adding a third, and I’m going back and forth… I wish there was a way to skip all the pregnancy, sickness, anxiety over birth defects, birth itself, initial breastfeeding, lack of sleep, and all that comes with early infancy. I just don’t know how to handle this. Last time I was sprawled on the couch half the time of my pregnancy, watching cartoons with my toddler all day long. Was my second little one worth it? You bet, but I’m human. I have limits. How do I know what my limits are?

    I understand if the last thing on your mind right now is to answer questions like that. But if you care to share your thoughts, I would be ever so grateful.

  • Mrs. Anna T,

    According to an online due date calculator, I’m due around March 10th. We’ll see if my midwife agrees. :-)

    Elizabeth,

    Thank you for your honesty. I think your question is something that many, many women wonder about. I wrestled with it myself for months as I watched the return of my fertility draw closer and closer. I don’t want to just whip off a quick reply to something so big and important, and I also think that since you asked such a universal question that it deserves its own post rather than just a note buried in a comment thread. I’m going to start working on something, and Lord willing, I should have a post for you in a week or so provided I don’t get overwhelmed with throwing up. ;-) I’ll plan to send you a head’s up e-mail when it’s done.

  • Amie

    Congratulations!
    Just a few suggestions for the pregnancy symptoms…

    I am pregnant with my eight little blessing, and while not perfect, this has been the easiest pregnancy yet.
    This time, I have been taking Dr. Schultz SuperFood Plus and Intestinial Formula #1, and using his Digestive Tonic.
    I have been avoiding most meat, after reading about the added hormones causing an increase in female problems.
    I have also been having kefir smoothies every morning (sweetened with raw honey). You can order kefir curds from the latest Above Rubies magazine.

    Have you seen Rachel Weaver’s book “Be Your Own Doctor”?
    It’s a great book. She’s a homeschooling mom and midwife and I learned a lot about how to healthier and feel better from her.

    I pray you feel better soon!

  • Andrea M

    Congratulations may this precious little person bring much joy to your whole family and may your pregnancy be healthy and the morning (or all day!?!) sickness soon abate.

  • Mom2Five

    CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’ve been following your blog for a few years now, and I was thinking it was about that time for you to have another announcement :)

  • Congratulations, Mrs. P!

    You’re worth of no. 6, and many many more, the Lord willing, & by His grace. :)

  • Renee B.

    I know this is quite an old post, but I just want you to be encouraged today: I have re-read and re-read this post over the past few days. I’m pregnant with my third child – I have a 4 year old and a 3 year old. Morning sickness is definitely winning out. This post is so inspiring and exactly what I need to remind myself – multiple times a day – of this dance of new life and how it’s okay that I’m not supermom right now.
    So thank you for be willing to share this beautiful thought, even if it was last summer. God knew I would need it now!

  • Renee B.,

    Thank you for taking the time to comment and encourage me! The third trimester fatigue is winning over at my house right now. But this little baby is still worth it. :-) And your precious little one is, too! Hugs and blessings to you and your family.

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