There’s a number floating around. A scary number. A number so scary, in fact, that it’s even inspired me to take a brief break from the inestimable joys of of FDA’s 21 C.F.R. 812 to pop in with a post (OK, that and I miss blogging). And what is that awful number? (Hide your children’s eyes.)
$226,920
That, my friends, is what some folks will tell you “it costs” to raise a child. Check out this post over at CNN Money, based on this number and called, The Rising Cost of Raising a Child, sporting this awesome opening line:
Forget designer strollers and organic baby formula, just providing a child with the basics has become more than most parents can afford.
Seriously?
It makes for great headlines and provocative journalism, but this little number (big number, actually) is scaring real people, people like a recent commenter, who said that while she very much wants a baby, she’s not sure if she can afford it, given that she doesn’t have a spare $226,920 sitting in her bank account waiting to feed and clothe a bundle of joy for eighteen years. So I got to wondering, where did this number come from, and is it even accurate?
It turns out, this number comes from our good friends at the USDA. They get data from a Bureau of Labor Statistics survey (the Consumer Expenditure Survey) and extract the parts that show how much households are spending on their children. The most recent survey included over 15,000 households (that’s a big number, too). The USDA got data on expenditures per child for a bunch of different categories and then turned the numbers over to their handy-dandy statisticians to do a little Ordinary Least Squares here, a little Tobit analysis there, and BAM! We have an average. But an average of what? Hang on tight because this one’s important. We have an average of what a whole bunch of families are actually spending on their children, NOT, it turns out, how much “it costs” to raise a child, and definitely not some minimum number that you can’t go below without seriously compromising your child’s health and welfare. That’s a big difference. See, I am going to propose, that despite the edge-of-your-seat news reports to the contrary, that a lot of the spending those families are doing is not because they need to but because they can (and this is born out in the report, which shows parents in the highest income group spending sometimes double that of parents in the lowest). After all, if you have money, who better to spend it on than your own flesh and blood, whose smile lights up your whole world?
It’s kind of like ice cream. If you asked a bunch of people how many times they buy their children ice cream per year and averaged it, you would not come up with a number that tells you how many trips out for ice cream it takes to raise a child. THAT number is zero, actually. Children do not need any ice cream at all to grow up to be healthy, productive adults. But I, for one, buy my kids ice cream all the time, not because they need it, but because I love them, I’m getting ice cream for myself, and I want to share. If I had ice cream and didn’t share it, you’d probably all very rightly question how loving a parent I actually am. But if, for some reason (like say, a saintly career as a jungle missionary), I didn’t ever get to have any ice cream myself, I also wouldn’t be able to share any ice cream with my children, and that would be sad, but we’d all get over it. This is an extreme analogy, of course, since children DO require some spending. Naked, starving children are not really what any parent aspires to. But what I’m trying to say is that sometimes frugal families get a “we’re in this together” type attitude and spend far, far less than their more “normal” neighbors down the street, and everything turns out fine.
I came from a family like that myself. For most of my early childhood, our family of three was below the federal poverty line for ONE person. We hardly ever went out for ice cream when I was little. In fact, we hardly ever had chocolate chips to put in our homemade cookies, either, but I’m so glad my parents went ahead and had me. And despite all the money I have now for ice cream and chocolate, sometimes, what I really want is one of my mom’s plain sugar cookies because nothing else says “happy childhood” to me more than the memories of my little family, crammed in our tiny apartment with the smell of vanilla in the air and a table full of cooling golden cookies. Despite everything we had to do without, the thing that really mattered was all the love in that home. I know. So cliche. Cue the sappy music. It’s still true.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well, that’s an inspiring story, but isn’t there something to that $226,920? I mean, 15,000 households is a lot of households. Won’t I probably need to spent something sort of close to that?” I’d like to take some time looking at this in depth. You can go on over to Expenditures on Children by Families and download your very own 40 page PDF of the most recent available study report (2010), or you can just hang out here as I attempt to summarize and critique the numbers. I figure that rather than trying to tackle the whole thing at once with one incredible 5000-word tome, given my current time crunch, and given that, no matter how much wit and sparkle I manage to inject into the project, unless you’re my mom, you probably don’t want to read a 5000-word blog post from me, it might be a little safer to do this as a series. So over the next little while, I’m hoping to break down the study by category and see just how scared we should be of that big, bad $226,920.
I read here occasionally and will keep a look out for the follow ups. I also read your “Solo Season” post and gracious reply.
What surprised me was that in all the blogs I follow, very rarely have I seen such comments. A blog friend recently go a negative comment and was very upset (Gotta take the good with the bad out in the big wide web world) but as I said to her, most christian don’t say anything if they can’t say something nice. An old adage but it keeps the tone pleasant, I think.
Thank you for addressing this. I appreciate the time you’ve put it to explaining how our collective ideas about how much children “cost” are unrealistic.
Nice to see you blogging again!
I’m continually amazed that people take numbers like that seriously, and I think your ice cream analogy is right on. Both the quarter million model and the 48 cents per homemade diaper that will last through six children model seem a tad unreasonable to me.
Carl and I didn’t really face the money problem thanks to his job being steady and our expectations/needs being low, but we know one couple who are waiting another year or so to start a family until they can get their insurance sorted out, and we know another couple who don’t have insurance and decided to start a family anyway and trust that it would all work out…
Those are tough decisions, and while we can (and should) critique the crazy numbers put out by the media, I’m not sure we’ll ever come up with a one-size-fits-all approach to money and parenting. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately as we watch our family and friends negotiate these decisions and sometimes come up with very different answers. It’s eye-opening for sure.
It can be really hard not to take those numbers seriously when everyone else does. While I admit ice cream is not on the need-to-survive list, it is on the list of “you’ve-never-had-[insert childhood experience here]-is-your-mom-a-freak-and-doesn’t-really-love you-maybe-I-should-call-social-services” list.
And while infants don’t complain or tease each other about having hand-me-down clothes or not having the most up-to-date toys, older children get teased and bullied about it.
In the end, the child is miserable. He either buys into the idea that he’s not as good as Joe Blow or makes demands and gets a Cinderella complex and treats you like the wicked witch because he doesn’t have what Joe Blow does.
Yes, you’ll say these things don’t matter. But in our culture they do. Tell the child who was bullied to death because she wasn’t cool enough [read she didn't have the right things] that these things don’t matter.
There was a time when electricity was a luxury. Now it’s a necessity. Are we at the turning point in our culture where such “extras” are becoming necessities? I am starting to think so.
It’s not money that we need to raise children. It’s God’s grace! Our family has lived at both ends – rich and poor – and it was still God’s grace that got us through.
When I ask Christians about this, I always hear about “God’s Grace”, but for someone struggling to understand this, you’re speaking Greek. It DOES take money. It costs money to put food on the table. It costs money to clothe children. I can’t go to the store and say, Hi there, Mr. Kroger, I’m having a new baby. Load me up on food and goodies. Send the bill to God.
When you say God’s grace, I picture manna from heaven, as in direct and obvious divine intervention. Awesome for you if you have it. Personally, I have yet to receive a box of food and clothing labeled: To Amanda and her future children, Love, God.
Now, I get the metaphor. The bounty that is my life is provided to me because of God’s grace. But then, why can’t I pay my bills some months? If I can’t pay my bills (and I’m talking basics here) how can I afford to add a new person with needs to my budget?
How does God’s Grace work in the reality of the secular world? In a capitalistic and materialistic country?
I’m seriously searching here. I’m looking for insight, not pat answers.
Amanda,
You are raising some really important points. Really. On your first point, it may be true that a lot of the “stuff” in question doesn’t matter, but bullying always does. No matter what parenting decisions you make for your family, providing your children with friends whose parents have made similar decisions is essential. That’s a big reason why we homeschool. Our children’s homeschooled friends also wear thrift store clothes, so no one feels bad about their wardrobes. (And with parents close by, bullying gets nipped in the bud anyway.) When you’re trying to “count the cost” of having a family, evaluating what kinds of peer groups you have access to will greatly affect the final picture.
On your second point about God’s grace, I am flying out the door to the store and I don’t have time to answer that with the thought your questions deserve. I’m not leaving you hanging, just taking you seriously. I’m hoping I’ll have more time tonight.
Oh, and just so everyone knows, I approved Mrs. Santos’ comment at the same time as the first comment from Amanda, so she hadn’t seen Amanda’s comment when she wrote hers.
Amanda, it’s true I did not see your comment and was not responding to you, but to the idea that so much money is needed to raise children. My husband was unemployed for over two years and it was a struggle financially. We also spent a few years in great prosperity when we didn’t worry about the cost of raising the children. Through it all, though, even in the leanest of times, our biggest worry was not how we were going to feed and clothe the children. It was “how am I going to teach them to love one another and stop bickering?” How can I be patient with this child who is so slow to learn? How can I give them a hunger for God’s Word and a pure life?
I guess my point was that parenting is so much more than providing a roof, and clothes and toys. It is leading them to God and teaching and guiding them in living Godly lives. There is no price on that. The cost cannot be counted in dollars and some parents giving next to nothing as far as worldly goods are concerned may be doing a better job at parenting than the ones providing all the wonders of the world.
God bless you in your searching.
Amanda,
I think you’ve managed to cut to the heart of everything. You ask, “How does God’s Grace work in the reality of the secular world?” And to answer that, we have to start by answering the question, How does God’s grace work at all? And that gets right into the very nature of God and the meaning of life. God’s grace is not primarily about giving us what we want. God never promises to support our American lifestyle. He never promises us children, or happy marriages, or freedom from cancer, or that our houses won’t burn down. God’s grace is about saving us from our sin and ourselves through Jesus’ death for us on the cross to reconcile us to God. Look at how Ephesians 2 talks about Grace.
The grace in the box on your doorstep for you and your children (if God gives you children) is a relationship with God, a relationship so priceless and life-giving that it holds us together through poverty, through childlessness, through broken marriages, and sickness, and disaster.
Have I seen God miraculously provide material things in my life? Yes. Does he always do it just how I want? No. Do things sometimes turn out totally the opposite of how I want them? Yes, sometimes they do. And the grace in those situations is far greater than the grace when I get my way. It’s when my heart is broken and bleeding, and I look at God and say, “You’re better. You’re more. I didn’t get the thing I wanted, but I still choose to follow you,” and I get that crazy joy and peace that make no sense in the normal world, that’s when I have to say that I’m really experiencing grace.
I would never try to convince you to have children by telling you that God in his grace will give you all the same stuff as your neighbors have. In fact, I’m not going to do anything to try to convince you to have children at all, except to challenge what I see as lies in our society that make it really hard for people who desperately want children to feel like they can have them. But I will always try to point you to grace. It’s our only chance to have a relationship with God that transcends everything else.
Mrs. Santos,
I apologize. I didn’t mean to react so harshly. I just feel like the only kid in the class who doesn’t “get it.”
Mrs. P
Bullying is a major issue and home schooling is a great option, but I don’t think it would solve the issue entirely. My own family, for instance, would not react well to such a counter cultural approach. My nieces and nephews all have what I would call too much stuff and because I don’t buy a lot of gifts I’m, according to my niece, the bad aunt. Her mother threw her a 4th birthday party and bragged about it only costing $500. My dismayed and shocked reaction was met with, “you’ll understand when you have kids.” As an adult I already feel hurt and left out. I couldn’t imagine trying to be the kid in the hand-me-downs next to my niece in the designer clothes.
I also respect the fact that you don’t try to convince anyone to do anything. Frankly I’m railing against my own weakness for buying into the culture of things as I am anything. I see that I am not strong enough to do what my heart says is right. I do know God’s Grace is the ultimate reason for everything. Sometimes, it’s just so big, that when I’m faced with a choice, I can’t see it. Or maybe I can’t humble myself to accept it. I worry about what people think rather than what God thinks.
I am curious to read your thoughts on saving for college for your children, since the cost of a college education is rising every year.
Hmm… I have actually raised a child to the age of 18, so I should calculate this out. It’s all theory until someone has the numbers. I paid for private violin lessons and organic spinach, and I doubt we’ve done half of that number. (for all 5 children, I mean..) But even if we had spent twice that amount, it wouldn’t bother me, as long as we’ve stayed within our means. The real question is–Is the fear of having “enough” money a good deterrent from perfectly good people having children? I hope not. Now if someone wants an excuse for not having a child, then this big number can help (them) justify their selfishness. Which isn’t really what most people want to hear. People who want children need hope. They need hope that even if it is difficult and expensive and exhausting, that GOD does provide!! And even if it is twice that amount to have a child (which it isn’t) but even if it is, God does provide!!
That is just crazy! I cannot even imagine the actual number being close to that for families such as ours. Thank God we did not base our decision on having children on numbers like that (or any to be honest!), or else we too would not be having these wonderful blessings. Looking forward to your series!!
It costs a lot to rear a child, but I think it doesn’t have to cost nearly as much as society would suggest! I’m sure ours didn’t cost $200,000+ each, although Uncle Alan will sometimes point out that our life style is quite different from that of our financial peers who only had a couple of kids. At any rate, I wouldn’t trade any one of my children for a million dollars!
I just wanted to say that I’m looking forward to hearing the results of your research! It’s funny that “they” say that “what it costs” to raise a child is what our culture currently spends, though! Haha! A very big leap in logic.
Amanda,
As I read your comments, I can’t help but think of this mother:
http://ladyofvirtue.blogspot.com/2012/02/homeschooling-socialization.html
Every one of her posts are so touching, and it’s encouraging to read how God led her as she struggled with the things you’re wrestling with. Go back thru her archives, too!
Insanity! Yes, I am tempted to give my kids alot more – but it falls under the catagory of ‘wants’ not ‘needs’. I guess the line between these two things varies greatly among households.
I’ve missed you! Been checking your blog every few days.
I so enjoy your tackling of these kinds of things! Thanks for challenging the misinformation so many are receiving.
Now I’m off to read part two…
Haha, seeing the date you posted this, I suppose I’ve been checking in every week or so rather than every few days! LOL
LOVING THIS. Trevvor and I, though we don’t have kids at the moment, are taking some serious looks at our finances and what we “need” to live. Now, once we have kids, those needs will go up simply to keep the child-snatchers from paying us a visit (so I suppose a tiny house for us and 10 kids is out of the question lol). Anyway, in short, this is well-timed as we look at our finances, our needs, and our desire to have as many children as the Lord chooses to give us.