There’s a funny thing about God. He doesn’t distribute His blessings equally, not in beauty, brains, finances, energy, health, talent, and not in babies. That’s something that often gets lost in the shuffle during those Quiverfull discussions about how children are a blessing we should all be joyfully willing to welcome. It is woefully easy to make the logical jump from “children are a blessing” to “the number of children you are blessed with is a measure of your spiritual worth in God’s eyes,” And that is when women who would dearly love children, but who, for one reason or another, can’t have them start getting hurt.
I wanted to explore a little of how the Quiverfull world (including myself as a pro-big family blogger) looks to women who have struggled with fertility. So I started begging my friends for interviews, and a couple of them have graciously agreed.
Today, I’d like to share with you the first of those interviews. This one is with Kim from Canada, blogging now at Whatsoever I Do, but with tons of great archives still at her last blog, The Executive Housewife.
Please introduce yourself and share a little background on your personal fertility journey.
I am known in blogland as Kim from Canada. I am 42 years old, a (mostly) stay-at-home mother of two. My daughter was born when I was 30 and my son when I was 40. So infertility was a very real part of my life for 10 years, because I would have had 10+ children if the Lord had been willing.
How does it make you feel when people discuss “Quiverfull” ideology?
The quiverful discussion was always a frustration for me to listen or participate in. I am 100% a believer that children are a blessing, however this ‘quiverful’ discussion rarely discussed that fact that God opens and closes the womb. So often the topic will focus on how women need to be open and trusting to having as many children as God sends to her…usually a discussion led by someone with 4-10 children. The other side of the coin is trusting God when He doesn’t send any children, or only one.
Do you think the idea that children are a blessing is an important one to get out to the world, or is it a wrong or unhelpful focus?
YES we should promote the fact that children are a blessing, especially in a world that sees them as such burdens. The focus should be on this alone, not necessarily the number of children an individual woman can produce.
Have people ever assumed that you don’t have more children because you don’t want them? And if so, how do you feel about it when it happens?
My infertility issues didn’t happen until after my daughter was born. That pregnancy had happened easily and without incident. It was after a couple of years went by, and my husband and I started talking about having more kids (apparently that isn’t how you get them). We had never tried or not tried for pregnancy before because we were content with our family situation before and after my daughter came along. Then, at 32yo, all of a sudden pregnancy wasn’t easy. I know when my daughter reached 4-5yo people did assume we didn’t want anymore. Of course by the time my daughter was 8-9yo, there were those who questioned our understanding of the ‘quiverful’.
How does it make you feel when people announce they’re “expecting another blessing”? Is there a way we can be more sensitive about pregnancy announcements?
During the years when I was struggling with God’s decision about our family size, and month after month being disappointed, my husband and I heard of people that were getting pregnant. To be completely frank, I was angry about it. Looking at these other people I questioned God’s choices. It was so hard to smile and be gracious about another ‘announcement’, but I don’t believe there was a better way to hear about them. It wasn’t anyone elses’ problem, God was working on me and I needed to see that.
What are your thoughts on adoption, IVF etc.? How do you feel when well-meaning people bring up these options or other ways of fixing your “problem?”
Adoption is a great idea, however, in Canada it is either necessary to go through the Children’s Aid Society (I wouldn’t associate with them for anything) or work with overseas programs that are beyond my financial status. As for fertility clinics and the procedures and medications available, I was never able to get past the fact that I am to trust God with this (and all) areas of my life. I didn’t see these as options for me. I have heard of people who are working through infertility as comparing these clinics to accepting medication for any other illness, i.e. a diabetic takes insulin why shouldn’t an infertile couple use IVF. However, I always saw it more as a comparison to cosmetic surgery, i.e. if I don’t like my nose I’ll fix it, if I don’t like my womb I’ll fix it. NEVER would I condemn someone else for taking this route – it just wasn’t for me. These were things that were suggested from both christian and secular people, I explained my reaction to it the same as above.
What is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said or done to support you in your fertility struggles?
My husband was the most encouraging person in my life through those times. He would always remind me that life was good when it was just him and I; and life was good no matter what size our family was.
Is there anything that you wish ladies who haven’t struggled with fertility could understand about relating to you and other women who have?
Just remember that we want to be included in activities for moms and kids, even if we are coming alone. Don’t beat around the bush if you have a question, but keep the advice to a minimum…we have heard, read and researched it all. Listen more than talk.
Here are some links to some of Kim from Canada’s posts for those who’d like to learn more.
On Quiverfull Issues:
God Gave Me One
Not Again!
The remarkable story of what happened when, after ten years of waiting, Kim’s handsome little son was born:
Though He Slay Me, Part 1
Though He Slay Me, Part 2
Loved this interview, thank you Kim. I ended up giving birth to five children, but with the first dead and two small girls, struggling with my own infertility (choice) I was often hurt, even angry by the more babies, more spiritual mentality of some mothers. I can’t count the number of times my opinion was squashed by the pointed “But you only have two.” Ouch. I was so darn thankful to have those two, I could never understand the competitiveness of the whole thing. I love and support my sisters with large families, I don’t always agree with there (superior) ideas
Wow! What a neat testimony to God’s power and faithfulness in Kim’s life. The thing I am getting from this interview is to be sensitive to other’s pain–even when they are so different from what we are going through.
Great interview and great topic! Thanks to both of you for putting this together!
Excellent post on a tough topic. I always tiptoe around it because with eight kids it is a topic (infertility) that I don’t much about. I appreciate Kim’s openness and honesty.
It was really encouraging to read someone else’s answers to these questions. She was so gracious! Thanks for going ahead and posting them one by one.