Seven o’clock p.m. and halfway through dinner, my husband gets home, smiling thankfulness at roast beef and baked potatoes, and fighting off a cold. By seven-thirty, he’s heading down to the basement for more work.
“Mommy and Daddy check-in time at ten?” he asks.
“Sounds good.” I smile my bravest. His business is taking off. Such a huge blessing. I haven’t seen him since this morning, a few minutes on his way out the door.
This is a “solo season,” a time in our marriage when being my husband’s helper means taking care of a lot of things alone. It means many long days with the children on my own and evenings with little time to talk. It means I have to drink up the togetherness when it happens and manage the dry spells in between.
I’m not the champion at this that my mother was. She saw my dad through eight years of graduate school. It must have been hard, lonely, and wearying to keep everything going day after day while he studied, but I never knew it growing up. She seemed to sail over it joyfully. And while my solo season is only a tiny ride compared to her voyage of endurance, I’m using my happy childhood as inspiration in my attempt to be the wife my husband needs while his business has a growth-spurt and he works like crazy.
My mom gave my dad three gifts during those eight rough years.
First, she gave him a well-run house. She faithfully managed everything he needed her to: cooking, cleaning, balancing the checkbook, taking care of me. Even on a grad student’s income, everything always ran smoothly and there always seemed to be enough. Dinner was always yummy. The laundry was always fresh. The house was always clean. And there were usually cookies. My dad could focus on getting his huge load of work done because he knew he could count on my mom to keep the home fires burning. I always try to keep the house going for my husband, but right now especially, when I know that he is really tired and really stressed, I’m working extra hard to make sure that our home looks nice as often as I can so it’s just a gentle hum in the background of his wildly busy days.
The second gift my mom gave my dad was a happy child. I never realized how very busy my dad really was because my mom never complained that we “can’t” do this or that because “Daddy can’t take us.” She filled my days with activity and fun little excursions, even if it was just a walk down the “Country Road” past the agricultural department barns, or one of the rare and coveted trips to Dairy Queen. That way, when my dad was home, he could just be home without facing a family’s raging cabin fever. (OK, there WAS the time I begged him to take us camping at the coast, and it was raining, and we couldn’t get a fire started, but that wasn’t my mother’s fault, and yeah, moving on . . .) In my solo season, too, rather than wait for my husband’s life to slow down enough to do fun things with the children, I’m trying to fill their days with good activities, so that if Daddy has to work all evening or on the weekend, they don’t feel as much of a pinch.
And the third and probably most important gift my mom gave my dad was a cheerful wife. She always told me that the big thing she learned in the graduate school years was don’t wait for your husband to have time to do the things you want to do–do them now, and then do more with him later. She could have moped about how Dad always had to study when there was a neighborhood potluck or meet with project groups when it was time for an in-home Bible study, but she didn’t. She went by herself. That can be pitiful if you have a bad attitude, but if you spunkily go out there and enjoy the things you love even when your husband is locked up in a basement with his oscilloscope running tests, you can have lots of fun and be a thriving, smiling wife when he gets home. No man wants to work himself to the bone all day trying to support his family only to come home to a depressed, grumpy wife who has been feeling nothing but deprivation. That would be abject failure. So I’m trying my best to make sure that I do what I can to make it easy to be happy and appreciative of all my husband’s hard work. It might mean taking an afternoon off to plant a few flowers, or dashing out for a Coke slushie, or taking the kids to the park where they can’t break any dishes. I’m also trying to maximize the benefit of what time my husband does have by communicating what my biggest needs are. I took my mousey nature by the hand and told my husband that if he only has a half an hour to give, what I’d like most is help at bedtime, when I’m at my lowest ebb. He has faithfully made that a priority, and it’s something I have been able to look forward to on hard evenings. When I’m half-asleep and the children are starting to gyrate in unstable ways causing bumped heads and extra squabbles, and I hear those manly footsteps coming up the stairs, I know my husband loves me and that we’re going to make it through this.
Solo seasons aren’t picnics, but by the Lord’s grace I’m hoping I can be my husband’s support and turn those brave smiles into truly joyful ones and that someday we can look back on this time and be thankful for all that we were able to do together even when we were apart.
Oh, what a wonderful post! I have been in this situation on and off for two years now, ever since our daughter was born, when my husband got a new job with a new company. It is hard at times, and I haven’t been the best at dealing with it! I really appreciate the reminder and encouragement of your post. I needed to hear it. And I love to hear about real-life examples of women going through the same thing cheerfully and with godly responses, like your mom! Thank you!
Hi, this has been my present journey. Hubby started a new job and working really long hours. A few weeks ago I read a beautiful story on another lady’s blog. Heres the link. Its a thought I had never thought about before and definitely try more at being a better homekeeper.
http://tenderherb.wordpress.com/2011/08/14/when-queens-ride-by/
It may surprise you, Andrea, to hear that this post brought back sweet memories for me. My “solo season” lasted about 6 months. My husband sold a Christian bookstore at a tremendous loss. Since we were committed to avoiding bankruptcy, he worked two jobs support us and our three children, 6 and under, and to pay back the debt. My fondest memory was putting the kids to bed on Sunday nights and listening to old time radio shows while I waited for him to come home. I know it must have been difficult, but I honestly don’t remember it that way.
May God richly bless you during this time. We will be in prayer for you.
Susan
I love visiting your blog; it is so encouraging. One thing you said today is really jumping out at me — you’ve worked on “communicating what my biggest needs are.” I think that is so critical (solo season or not!) Men aren’t mind readers, and it’ll be so much more happy and fulfilling for both partners with communication! Thanks again for a beautiful blog
Bless you, Andrea! You’ve got the right spirit, and by God’s grace, I believe it will all turn out well. When Uncle Alan was a resident working up to 117 hours some weeks and not seeing the kids awake between Sunday night and the following Saturday morning, I always pictured myself like the poster of the cat hanging on by two front paws to the window ledge: “Hang in There.” Successful husbands usually translate into extremely busy husbands. I think that’s why they say that behind every great man is a great woman. Bless your mom for being such a godly, cheerful example for you. You’ve got the makings of a great family!
Crying reading this. I am so glad you posted about this. We recently moved for Hubby’s new job & he’s been home 4 days out the past month. We didn’t realize he would be traveling quite so much. So this “solo season” has been such a stretch for me. Thanks for posting.
Thank you for this post! I really needed it, as I am in this season now. I appreciate the encouragement!
Thank you Andrea, as an often solo parent thanks to Adam’s military career this is a good reminder.
wow! and Wow! Praying for you. If I can add a different perspective to balance all of this altruism, you aren’t doing him (your husband) any favors by enabling him to become a workaholic and ignore his family. I was afraid to communicate these thoughts in my earlier years. Now I “give him the privilege” of spending time with his children so I can take a break and enjoy a breather once in a while. It is to his benefit to spend time with the kids and keeps his appreciation of what I do high enough. The golden goose that never gets fed doesn’t produce any gold. If you guys were here, some of the older guys would pull him aside and tell him to get a clue about his priorities. As far as your attitude goes, it is commendable. I appreciate the gifts your mother gave. But let me ask you this. Do you have a close relationship to your father now? Could it have been better? Sometimes being a helpmeet is just reminded them of what they want long term–not just short term.
I am not saying this to criticize your decisions to support him the way you do, that is excellent. But if the spirit moves to be a little more forthright about things….. do what the organizing mommy would do! LOL. “Feel free to block off these hours (not minutes) for our family… ” etc. Love ya.. and leave it to me to disagree with everyone!
So..the timing of this is kind of unbelievable. I’m really struggling with “solo” time, especially since for me it really is solo time: no kids or single girlfriends nearby to alleviate the loneliness of the evenings when Trevvor has a deadline. It kind of came to a head last night, actually, and here I am reading this today, after not having read my blog feed for weeks..it’s pretty amazing. I think what makes it both more difficult and easier at the same time is knowing that if he had a choice, he WOULD be home, spending time with me.
Anyway, thank you for the encouragement and the tips. <3
So nice to know I’m not the only one going through a solo season. Though mine is a bit different since it is the result of major stress (for the past few years) for my husband caused by his job, which in turn makes it harder for him to be the daddy and husband he wants to be when he gets home since he is so exhausted mentally and physically. I never thought of it as a season, even though I’m pretty good at that with other areas of my life. Part of me has just been thinking that this will be our life forever, which is probably not true or realistic (please Lord!). This has really encouraged me to continue doing what I’m doing on the outside as you are, but also to change my view of it. As always, thank you friend!
I don’t even have little ones, and I loathe solo seasons (which for me is the month or so leading up to Christmas when Carl always gets hit with insane hours). Balance is crucial for sure, but I think even when couples have fabulous priorities those stretches of long hours will inevitably pop up. Enjoyed those life lessons from your mom and admire your desire to see it as a learning opportunity rather than a misery. Hope the hours settle down soon and you all keep your sanity!
I’m in the same boat. My husband works very long hours, comes home well past the children’s bedtime, and we only have one car. It’s often difficult not to feel envious of the friend next door whose husband is always there to tuck the children in, and who always takes his family for trips out and about. But we try to make the best of it. Afternoons at the park, get-togethers with friends, whatever I can reach within walking distance and what I think might brighten up our day.
I don’t know how you do it, but you are always writing about things that I need to hear or can relate to~!!
I have just recently entered a “solo season” and with a new baby to boot. So I’m starting to feel the effects of it.
Thank you for the encouragement.
)
You know from the perspective of a young man being groomed for marriage, these are the type of qualities I hope to find in my wife. Not a perfect woman, but a woman who like Paul “learned” to be content in all things. A woman who displays 1 Corinthians 13 love (not self-seeking) as I look to the do the same thing back. Please continue to write such edifying blogs, this is a form of teaching for many women, married and single, young and old. Us men will truly appreciate it. God bless you and your family.
When I read your post I felt so sad for you. One person is responsible for the financial well-being of seven. Your husband seems to work and work and work. Husband-and-wife time is limited, as is father-child time, as is all-the-family-together time. You have to live in a trailer and store your heirlooms. Other women, women who took the time to become educated and develop an outside career before having children now know that they can support their family if the father leaves/dies/becomes ill, and they get to spend time with a husband who does not have to work all hours of the day just to keep the family in food. They also have homes that they purchased by planning before marriage and children, they get to enjoy having that home filled with family heirlooms, and they do not have to “smile my bravest” when told that they won’t see their husband until ten that night because once again, he’s working just to keep food on the table.
I really REALLY do not understand why having five kids is “better” than having two. With two, you get to enjoy them, to spend your weekends taking them places and showing them the world, and to spend a lot of time nurturing each child. And, in non-Q families, you do not raise the girls to be helpers. Rather, you raise them to be fully functional human beings with the same right as the males to self-actualize. They are not raised to play the role of being nothing more than a housekeeper/mother who has to be subservient to her husband.
What is the payoff of having all these kids and playing the role of helper? What makes it more rewarding for seven people to live in a crowded trailer, all depending on ONE person to provide financially (and doubtless watching him develop ulcers worrying about what will happen if he becomes ill) and never having enough time and money; than to have an education that allows the mother to work from a pleasant and spacious home, having only a couple of children for whom one can truly provide financially and emotionally, and having a marriage in which the parents have a lot of time for each other and can provide a lot of entire-family time for their children. I do not “get it”. You can love two children with all your heart and raise them in the faith just as easily as you can raise 5 or 6 or 20. The only difference is that you have more of everything when there are fewer people (more family time, more security from want, more opportunities for children who spend a lot of QUALITY time with their parents, more chance to pursue post-secondary education because the money is there, more dental care, etc.).
I have never yet had a mother of many children provide any rational understanding of why she does it. I have seen a lot about God’s army and preventing white Christians from being taken over by other races and religions, but I have seen nothing that convinces me (and millions of others) that intentional overbreeding has any merit. Do you really think that all of the Duggar kids are happy knowing that they provide a circus sideshow for the public and that none of the younger ones resents having been raised by siblings rather than their parents?
Good luck to you. Let’s hope that hubby can continue to shoulder the burden of feeding, housing, clothing, educating, and looking after the medical needs of seven people. Let’s hope there is enough money when the kids want to go to university and summer jobs just won’t cut it. Let’s hope that the first time there is catastrophic illness in your family, God will provide. Let us hope that you do not face bankruptcy (and I do most sincerely hope for that because when that happens, the creditors and the taxpayers are ripped off by those who declare bankruptcy. To me, bankruptcy is theft.)
I hope that the women of childbearing age who think they should let God open and close the womb have a direct pipeline to God so that he can send down food and other essentials when times are tough.
Dear mokamomma,
I just read your post and I just want to say is that I am so very sorry for whatever it is that has happened in your life that has made you so bitter. Please know that God loves you and wants you to have peace and joy. Also, know that he forgives, even something like infidelity or abortion. You do not have to let your past mistakes or tragedies control your future. Please, please turn whatever it is that is eating over to Jesus. I’ll be praying for you.
I want to sincerely thank a recent commenter for coming to my defense with an eloquent counter-flame. But I do need to remind everyone of my comment policy that, whereas I may, at my discretion allow people to harshly criticize me, I don’t allow the criticizing of other commenters.