From the time I was a toddler, as soon as I was old enough to dream it, I wanted a big family, at least a dozen children, a house filled from top to bottom with noise and activity, industry and love. And when my husband decided that he really didn’t see any reason to limit God’s blessing of children, I figured my dream would probably come true. I would be the next mega mommy. I sighed meltingly over filling a fifteen-passenger van. Rick and Jan Hess’s A Full Quiver left me giddy, and I told the Lord over and over, “I volunteer! I volunteer! Make me the ‘mother of thousands of millions.’ I’ll do it.”
I struggled a bit when I discovered that I had only average fertility, and fretted over the fact that it always took thirteen months after the birth of one baby before that magical day when the pregnancy test showed two incredible pink lines. I decided I had to be realistic. I may not fill the fifteen passenger van, but at a rate of one baby every twenty-two months, assuming I was able to have one baby after forty, I might be able to make it to ten. And that would still be a fairly big family.
When my current littlest started nearing a year old, and the ticking of my biological clock grew loud, my blogging friend, Organizing Mommy, mentioned in a comment that I shouldn’t take my fertility for granted. I said the pious thing, “Oh, no, I would never take my fertility for granted.”
Oh, no.
But I was excited anyway. Hoping for May, but resigned that it probably wouldn’t be until June that I would be blessed once again with a tiny miracle.
I prayed. I charted compulsively. I even had my Facebook status all planned out: “Andrea Parunak…two little pink lines. 
”
May came and went. OK, that was too optimistic, probably June.
And June came and went. Disappointing, but it’s gotta happen next month.
And July. It came and went, too. I cried.
And now, here it is, the beginning of August, and there was still only one pink line on my last pregnancy test. For the first time, I’m facing the possibility of having a gap wider than two years between my last baby and the next one.
If there is a next one.
The high-pitched critic nags in my head, Shame on you! Some people don’t even get to have one baby, and you’ve had four! Ungrateful. Stop whining. But I wanted a houseful. And I’m realizing that I may not be able to have that many. The “slow, but steady” fertility of my twenties may give way to stumbling, halting fertility in my thirties. I’m doing the math. I’m coming out with six or maybe seven, if I even get that far. And for me, it is the death of my dream.
All summer, there have been these nagging doubts. I look at the people around me who are having big families, whose babies come fast and close, and I think, how come they got chosen? Why not me? Am I a bad mother? Is God failing to bless me because I’m not doing a good enough job with the children I have? Is it my anger? My selfishness? My push-over discipline? My distraction with the Internet? Should I quit Facebook? My blog? Maybe I’m too exhausted by ministry. Maybe I shouldn’t be staying out ’till 11:00 p.m. with my husband while he’s street preaching. Maybe I shouldn’t be getting up at 6:00 a.m. to cook food for the church fellowship meals that happen at our house. Maybe we shouldn’t have weeks where we have people over every night. Or maybe it’s my grudging self-preservation, thinking that I’ll have to cut back on all this ministry once I get pregnant that’s the problem. Maybe if I threw myself into my work with more wholehearted abandon God would give me another baby. Or maybe it’s just caffeine, and I need to give up my three Coke slushies per week. In more hopeful moments, I wonder grandiosely if God is preparing us for a great work. Maybe He’s closed my womb to nudge us toward adoption. (Fifteen-passenger van, here I come!) Or foster parenting.
Or maybe it’s just that God didn’t plan for me to be a mega mommy.
Recognizing that something is a blessing and wanting it desperately doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. We spend so much time in conservative circles fighting against the notion that children are a hindrance, advocating for loving and accepting them, glorifying the big family lifestyle, that sometimes we forget that it isn’t always God’s plan. The point of giving my womb to God was supposed to be that we were open to letting Him decide what was best for our family, whatever that “best” turned out to be. I can’t just volunteer for a work that I think sounds cool and exciting. God doesn’t owe me another baby, or a big family. I’m just His servant to do whatever pleases Him, whether it’s raising four or a dozen children, cooking for the church, or listening to my husband preach to homeless drug addicts in a park a couple hours past sundown. And my volunteering doesn’t have much to do with it. God’s already decided what my good works are going to be.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. –Ephesians 2:10
God may bless me again with another little miracle. Hey, it’s even possible I’ll have the dozen I had hoped for. Or it’s possible that I’m done. Signing up to be a Christian doesn’t mean that our dreams are going to come true. It means that we die to ourselves and make God our only dream. And through Him we can be neither “barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:8) no matter how many children we have.
Oh my! Did I really say that? LOL. So, maybe there’s just a gap for a breather? a little break? But you are right in submitting your desires to the Lord. It certainly isn’t for (lack of good works) that he isn’t blessing you with more children right now. I’m still shell shocked that you want this many so quickly. But, praise the Lord for godly desires and a healthy body who recovers well from pregnancies! It’s amazing, isn’t it? Yes, children ARE a blessing, but they aren’t the only blessings out there. There are hosts of heavenly blessings that are available for people who do not even have children. (Ephesians) Spiritual blessings in heavenly places. It’s a great ministry being the carrier of children, but I still believe these are “shadows” (in some ways) of other types of blessings. In other words, the bringing forth of children into the world is not a privilege endowed to every believer (single, barren, etc.) but we can all look on with wonder whenever it does happen and continue to see the miracle of the new birth at any age or stage. And yes, it is such a privilege to be the parents or the grandparents of that new one coming into the world, but there is a special time to sit back and enjoy watching others enter into that joy. Just like when we watch a soul being born again–whether we lead the soul to Christ, or someone else does, we all benefit from the blessing of it.
Aw! What a thought-provoking post. I think it can be easy to take fertility for granted. It might be easy to think, “Well if I’m not preventing pregnancy and I’m doing my part, then it’ll happen!”
But not so. We always have to remember that God is the author of life, and only He can open and close the womb.
So maybe He has a reason for your delayed fertility — maybe He needs your next child to be born at a certain time (because only He can know what the future holds, and what that timing might bring). Or maybe He has given you all your biological arrows.
It’s hard to say! But I do think that becoming pregnant after 13 months post-partum is pretty quick, especially if you’re breastfeeding!
Best wishes.
Andrea,
This post resonated with me. I am infertile (only two pregnancies is 2 1/2 years–both ending in miscarriage), but I am also quiverfull-minded. It’s been hard to reconcile the two! It’s often hard to deal with the why–especially when I see women all around me who don’t “deserve” to be mothers (in my totally humble opinion, of course).
But one way God has used this in my life is to give me some perspective, and to knock my judgmental spirit on its behind. Before we realized we were infertile, it was so easy to look at married couples who had no children, or only one or two, and assume that they are selfish jerks who view children as a burden and only want to live for themselves. And I’m sure there are plenty of those people out there. But I wonder how many people have assumed that we have chosen not to have children, and it stings. We value children so much, I would hate for anyone to think otherwise. And so, while I’m not exactly thankful FOR my infertility, I can thank God IN it, for the precious lessons I have learned. I will pray that you will be able to find blessing in your struggle as well.
Hi Again,
I do, somewhat, understand where you are coming from. I, too, wanted to be a megamom. When we didn’t conceive right away we started adopting, thinking we’d just adopt our dozen kids. But then we adopted three, and we realized something funny. We loved them dearly, but we never again loved any children like we did them. So when we chose to trust God with the size of our family, he chose 3. Sometimes three seems so ordinary when I wanted to be extraordinary. But it is what God has chosen for his purpose.
But we still believe in big families, and will pray that God will send you many more arrows for your quiver.
Since Kacie mentioned it, I did want to clarify that I do breastfeed my children. In fact, I exclusively breastfeed with no supplements or pacifiers for the first seven to ten months (depending on the child’s interest in solids).
“Recognizing that something is a blessing and wanting it desperately doesn’t mean you’re going to get it.” —> Ha, this applies very aptly to my career outside the home, too!
And upon you I wish…..perfectly healthy octuplets.
Thank you so much for posting this! I also always wanted a dozen or more children!
I am in my early 40s and looking at the fact that I may not have any more children. With 7 children I am so very blessed but the desire for more is there too. I so needed to be reminded that God knows what is best for us. And that being His child is the absolute best of all!
With joy and peace in Christ,
Sherry
Well, a word of encouragement I suppose. There are definitely those who’d thought to never enjoy parenthood to say the least, let alone knowingly are undeserved to be blessed with a single child, but yet rejoice that we can receive God’s blessings in stride. It could be that you are right, He may bless you again, and even more abundantly, but as Israel was blessed so many times with freedom from captivity, how quickly they lost sight of the gift they had already received. It’s easy for us to do that as well. Even when it comes to salvation.
That he lets people like us have an opportunity to reflect the love HE has for us to little you’s and little me’s is in and of itself worthy of rejoicing at the birth of a single little soul.
I think it hurts whenever you want a child and can’t get pregnant, no matter whether you have 10 already or none. We’ve been trying for 5 years to have just one and are looking into adoption now (which is very complicated and expensive where we live).
I took my fertility granted as a newlywed also. But 4 years later and no babies are filling these empty arms. I have peace though, month after marrieage my husband and I decided that we didn’t know best. That God did, and that he would give us what was best for us. Which so far is no children.
Oh Andrea, it sounds like you bared your heart in this post. It touched me a lot. I am not in quite the same situation as you in “leaving it up to God” for a couple of reasons, but I also look forward to having, if He wills, many children before my body decides it’s the end of my childbearing years!
I guess because of the situation I am in, it seems easy for me to say, Well, if He wants me to have more children, I will conceive when He wants me to, and if He doesn’t, I won’t, no matter what we do or don’t do to stop it or try to make it happen. I find great peace resting in that fact!
And for a committed breastfeeder like yourself, 13 months seems pretty quick to me! My daughter is 11 months and has just started eating solid foods, and I haven’t had a period yet and would be greatly surprised (but excited!) if I turned up pregnant already!!
Blessings to you and your family
There is no way for any of us to know what the future will bring, but this sounds like a gentle little wake-up call to me. At some level, you had it all planned out that you would be pregnant again by May, or June at the latest. I don’t think the fact that it is now August is a sign that you are losing your fertility or that you’re done – I think it’s just a small reminder that you are not in charge. I am borderline infertile myself and I tried and tried so hard for almost two years to get pregnant. It was the month that due to other circumstances in my life I was NOT focused on getting pregnant that I actually conceived my one child.
I think it is great (and important) that you seem to have come to peace with the possibility of only having four children, but if I had to make a prediction, I would predict at least a few more children for you.
As always, thank you for sharing even your struggles with us. You are always thought-provoking and inspiring.
Adele
We’ve been married for two years and are still waiting; having never prevented or done anything that would stop us from getting pregnant… except for the fact that it’s God’s will for us to be childless at this point. I’ve learned so much about control… and the One who really has it.
Thanks for posting, it touched my heart today.
Thanks so much for sharing. I always took it for granted that we would have a large family (though I never considered a dozen!) The Lord allowed us to have the very difficult experience of losing our first child in a miscarriage! As the months went by and I didn’t get pregnant, my fertility gained value! I’ll never take it for granted again! The Lord eventually did allow us to get pregnant and I had four children in five years. As busy as life is, I’ll never forget the hopeless feeling of wondering if I’d never ever bare a child.
Blessings as you submit to the Lord’s will for you life!
Gina
Love this post. I know this lesson well. Signed, a mom of two on earth and one in heaven.
I am right there with you! It has now been 8 months since expecting that extra pink line, and none has been there. If anything it is helping me have some empathy for those who have a harder time than I have had in the past getting pregnant…but mostly its been building my faith that God is truly in charge of opening and closing my womb. Bless you!
I can understand how you feel! I would love to have a big family too.
After my first two children were (naturally) spaced 23 months apart, I expected that all future children would be about 2 years apart, but my second was already 23 months old when I finally found out I was pregnant with #3. In those months of waiting, it seemed like all my friends were getting pregnant, and I wondered what was taking so long for my body to become fertile again, but it turned out to be a blessing. I was able to nurse my son longer, and by the time his sister was born, he was pretty independent and able to help instead of being an “older baby.” Plus we ended up moving to another state during my pregnancy, which would have fallen around my due date if I had planned the spacing to two years myself. God does know what He’s doing!
Now our little girl is almost 14 months and I figure that my fertility could return any day now…or not for another 9 months. I am really looking forward to (Lord willing) carrying and meeting our next blessing, but at the same time, there are things to be enjoyed about not being pregnant or having a tiny baby. I can use this time to tackle projects that I won’t have energy for during pregnancy, and won’t have time for when a new baby comes along. I can try and recover my stomach muscles before they get stretched out again.
I can enjoy family outings and dates with my husband that would not be feasible with a tiny nursling.
But like I said, I certainly understand your feelings. I think that God likes to remind even those of us who claim to “let Him decide” that He really is in control, and His time is not always our time. We may think that means that we’ll have children before we feel ready, but actually, it may not happen until after we are ready. Or until we have felt ready for months, or years. He is faithful to show all of us that His timing is best! And I have a funny feeling that since you shared this, He is going to bless you with twins in September, just to show you His sense of humor.
On another note, if you don’t mind my asking, what do you do with your children while you and your husband are street preaching at 11pm? It sounds like an interesting ministry!
Manda,
It depends on where we’re going. If we’re going someplace dangerous, like downtown Detroit, we leave our kids with their grandparents. If we’re going someplace more benign, like a college town, the grandparents and the kids come with us. My mother-in-law and I focus on the children, and my husband and father-in-law focus on preaching.
And I’d love it if you were right about the twin thing.
I could have written your post a thousand times. I have five sons. I also have a five and a half year gap between numbers 4 and 5. People assume that we were having another try for a girl. We actually lost three babies in the second trimester and it was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I keep thinking that God owes me lots of babies now. Which of course He doens’t! these thoughts go through my head when I see another drugged out Mother carrying a screaming baby and I know I need to get my issues sorted and Mother the babies I have now! Oh Lord, do I still want more though!!
Hi Andrea –
) and wondering what could be next for us, too. I’m practically frantic about my next babies, because my husband has made the executive decision that we are done (at 3 babies), and I found myself totally praying that God would teach him a lesson and squeeze another baby in before he has the surgery! 
Ahem. We all know how well THAT works. I had to change my motivation, and my prayers… I am now praying that God uses this time to teach me how tasty humble pie really is – and use me to bless others (including the three little ones I have!).
I was thinking about this (I just saw Kelly’s announcement
Thank you for this. I’ve only seen your blog once before today, having just discovered it. But this post was for me. My son turned one last week, and I am very sad that we are not pregnant. I KNOW it’s a very short time…he’s been totally weaned for only about two weeks, and I’m 29. However, I’m having to really battle Satan’s attacks after having spent so many years on the pill fighting NOT to get pregnant! I’m having to remind myself, like you, that if I really have left the size of our family up to God that….the size is up to God. I’m struggling with this especially today, having just found out that the army will be sending my husband ahead of us until whatever time housing becomes available. Which means, potentially even more months.
I want to thank you for sharing this and thank all the women who responded. I have been struggling with allowing God to size our family, and have just recently been brave enough to tell Him I want His will in our lives. Reading all these responses about how God has been the author of life and has sometimes not given children to those who really want it somehow gives me comfort in knowing that I have done the right thing. I just assumed, since I already have several children, that I will end up with a dozen or more kids (which I will be comfortable with now), but God really knows what is best and will give us whatever He feels is best for our family. So, thank you all for sharing your thoughts and struggles. It has given me more encouragement to trust in the Lord with all my heart.
Yes!! This is how my husband and I felt!! I was married at 19 and after 3 mths of NOT trying I fell pregnant. We were so happy we both wanted a minimum 6. As she was 3 weeks early my body was not ready for her so after 3 days of non-labour I had a c-section. I was sad but there is such high success rates for v-bac right? she was 10 mths when I fell pregnant again, we were so happy it was easy to fall pregant. My son’s birth story was the same as my daughters
When my son was 7 months I fell pregnant again, this time I had my 3rd c-section and the doctor told me I should be “sterilised” this was as I was in the recovery room.
I felt shattered, I have 3 beautiful kids and cant help but want more.
Of course we went to a couple of other doctors for opinions and so I am in revue for when I can fall pregnant again. I am only 24 and there is a long road ahead of fertility.
It seems so unfair because these girls who are in their teens can fall pregnant and have children so easy why cant I? I could give the children a much more loving and safer home.
But it’s not up to me or my husband.
I can completely appreciate what you are saying Mrs Parunak.
Mrs. P,
We never know the Lord’s plan – some people are just dysfunctional yet have one baby after another, and some wonderful couples struggle for years until they become parents, if at all. Rejoice in the blessings you have and trust Him… but of course you are doing it already.
It is true the large family things is sometimes over emphased. Take for instance girls like myself. I’ll soon be twenty-six and I am not even married. The chances of having more than a few children are slim – if I ever marry and have any. When you really think about, what woman in the Bible had ten and twelve children?
I know just how you feel. All these questions and more keep going through my mind. We have never had any kind of contraception method – natural or otherwise. Our two boys are exactly 12 months apart having the same birthday Sep 16.
It’s been almost 7yrs since the 2nd son was born and we have had no more children. I would love more but it seems that my dream of having at least 5 children might not be God’s desire for us. I keep questioning if I’m not doing something the Lord wants me to do or if I am doing something I should stop but the Lord has not told me of anything in either category.
Oh I know just how you feel. I would love it if God just told me okay Jennifer that’s it – there will be no more children. If He said that then I would be content and enjoy the two blessings with no expectation of more. Oh the struggle that is within me sometimes. Your post so perfectly fits where I am right now.
I pray that I would come to some sort of peace about the whole issue. Thanks for the space to talk it out with someone who shares similar feelings.
What a beautiful testimony of giving your desires and plans over to the Lord and accepting whatever he gives you. I loved this post. Thank you for sharing your heart and in doing so encouraging so many others.
By the way, I noticed in one reply you mentioned going to downtown Detroit to minister. Are you a fellow Michigander? We live about an hour north of the detroit area.
My sister-in-law and a few others have mentioned your blog as a place of encouragement, but I’d never stopped by until now. This post made me stop and ponder.
As a single girl, I’m blessed with the opportunity to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. Every week, I see two pink lines pop up on positive pregnancy tests, and my heart starts beating, knowing that these babies, though “unwanted” are no less blessings from God. And as I sit across from “my girls,” I try to explain to them how children are gifts from God…and how God doesn’t always bless us according to what we “deserve.” And I try to explain how the Lord’s greatest goal for us is for us to know Him–and He will allow/use all kinds of hard things in our lives to that purpose. And sometimes “my girls” leave and I know that baby’s life is forfeit. And I go home and cry and pray and wrestle with a Sovereign God to know why He opens and closes the womb the way He does. And then I arrive here, to hear you write from the opposite side–wanting another blessing. But still “unblessed.” And I sit and ponder anew…our Sovereign God, who gives and takes away. Whose ways are unfathomable. Yet right. Always right. And hidden somewhere inside the things we don’t understand is God’s mercy.
Your words said this: “We must trust God, regardless of the results.” It was an encouragement to hear that reminder from a different angle.
I just wonder if perhaps there is a link in God’s economy between these women with huge hearts for children, and these women with “unwanted” children. Perhaps if the two could touch lives…?
And the street-preaching caught my attention, too…what a blessing!
I appreciated Jena’s comment regarding birth being a shadow of the second birth–a beautiful perspective on God’s priorities!
Darcy,
Yes, we live in the greater Ann Arbor area. It’s fun to know you live so close!
Hi Andrea!
I just wanted to say thanks again for the kind e-mail and the prayers. It meant so much to me. I can so relate to this article as I’m sure you probably know. We miscarried our baby today. I have taken my fertility for granted up until when I had my tubal ligation. Now I realize what a precious gift pregnancy truly is. We too are praying for many, many more children. I will pray for you too!
Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry, so very, very sorry. I’ll continue to be in prayer for you, dear sister. Thank you for letting me know.
Hi Andrea,
This really was wonderful. Thank you for your perspective here. I seem to be quite fertile (at least judging by the “surprise” that is my son Elijah
. And yet I have a pregnancy-related autoimmune disease that makes me almost totally disabled (because it attacks my skin with blisters, plaques, itchies, and pain–hello, Job!) unless I am on corticosteroids (which can lead to osteoporosis and untold other problems). I’m in remission now, praise the Lord. Have been off the drugs for 5 months! 
But it is supposed to be something that recurs with subsequent pregnancies…when the doctor told us a year ago I wept. We want a big family. I’m praying for healing or at least “skip” pregnancies…
I haven’t struggled with this for some time (perhaps because I don’t have the daily reminder of itchy bumps and steroids anymore), but I know it is still an issue in my heart that I’ll have to deal with. And your perspective here–trusting the Lord, knowing that His will for us is good–is very encouraging. So thank you!
Grace and Peace,
Lauren
Oh, Andrea!
I am the only child of a mother who desperately wanted a full house (she was one of 7 children). Through her, I feel the longing in your own heart. I can say that she and I have always shared the most profound relationship, and that she was, in the end, thoroughly contented and joyful with exactly what God gave her. But, I know the pain (especially in the 7 years when she did not even have me) she felt with those one-lined pregnancy tests was devastating. It is not something I would wish on any woman, but God is with you–and you know that–and that will make all the difference.
God bless.
I too have always longed for a large family (although in my head, ‘large’ has always been six, tops!). However, I’m staring down my 30th birthday, with still no husband in sight, and a growing awareness that my fertile years are not going to last forever. There seem to be babies everywhere, and I long for the day that I will be blessed with one of my own to love.
I hope that your next little one will come soon.
This post resonates with me as well . . . four (blessed) years into our marriage, we’re on our fourth pregnancy – but this is the first time that we have gotten this far (seven and a half months along . . . thank you Lord.)
Now, please believe me when I say that my husband and I praise and thank God EVERY DAY for this boy that I am carrying, and for the graces He gave us in order to bring us through the suffering of three miscarriages. If this is our only child, then so be it, because we give every day over to Christ and we trust in His will. But I’d be lying if I said that we didn’t “expect” to have a big family when we first married. (Forgive our lack of humility, dear Savior!)
This brings me to an important thought, which I’m sure many of you ladies have encountered. We must never, never judge other Christians who have small families, or no children at all. After all, if we don’t know their situation, we don’t know what they have struggled with. I would quake internally when people at Mass who didn’t know us would ask how long we had been married. I was horrified at the possibility that they would think we were abusing Natural Family Planning . . . or worse.
My heart aches for all the ladies who are dealing with infertility. May Jesus bless you richly in whatever way He wills for His Glory. You are all in my prayers.
Dear Andrea, God’s blessings to you. I am reading a book called Out of Africa at the moment.One of the natives had a miscarriage and it was just assumed she would never have children again, she had one.I think the Hesses and Nancy are wonderful but I think that sometimes we can almost take having large families as a mark of spiritual prosperity like finances.I think christians needed and still need to wake up to the blessings of larger families but I personally believe God wants us to be good stewards of our bodies as well.Ultimately we are training up our children for the Lord,there was only one Billy Graham, one John Wesley, one Paul, the power of one with the ultimate power coming from God.Keep focusing on your family and look after yourself, praise God we live in the modern age so we can look after ourselves and raise a full quiver if possible.From Linda.
This post resonates with me as well. I know exactly what you mean. I have almost the same spacing between my first two children. My second son was born a week before my first son’s 2nd birthday. My second son’s 1st birthday came, and went. As did winter, and spring. Summer is nearly over and I just recently (3 weeks ago) found out we are finally expecting a blessing again! Praise God!
It’s so hard when you expect one thing, and God gives another. We understand the reasoning behind why we trust God’s timing, but living it is always what is difficult. I always, erroneously, assumed that if we did nothing to prevent children that we’d have 15 or more. Assuming that we continue having children at the same rate we currently are until my 40′s… like you, I will be blessed to break 8 or 9, max. Unless they start coming 2 at a time! haha!
It is true though… the longer you have to wait for a blessing, the sweeter it is when it comes!
This is the first time I’ve read your blog but I understand where you are coming from with this post- I had my six children in the space of four years (two sets of twins back to back!)and my youngest son is now 2 years old and no new babies! My husband and I haven’t changed anything that we’ve been doing (and actually the first three were born while we were trying to prevent them- God definitely knew what was best for us though!) When the baby approached his first birthday (the mark that we’d discovered the new pregnancy with the first three pregnancies, the baby excluded b/c he was born 13 months after his older brothers) and I was still not pregnant it was such an eye opener for us! Although a lot of people think I’m insane, I didn’t know what to do with myself without having that new child to prepare for and look forward to. When my son turned two this year, we went through this realization that this might be our family- complete, whole, and perfect as it is. Of course, We’re still in our 20′s so there may be more babies in store for us down the road, but we’ve grown comfortable with the fact that we may also be done. I’ll never understand why we had as many children as we did so quickly but I know that God’s plan is perfect and I praise Him for it!
I haven’t red all the other comments, so what I’m thinking very well might have already been said.
I don’t know if you are familiar with “The Pineapple Story” at all, But what Otto Coning says rings true, and I have to come back to it often. The main theme through the whole series is surrendering to God. Be it your time, Money, fertility, or pineapples (as was the case for Otto) God wants us to give him control. Otto finally gave the Pineapples to God, after getting stolen by the natives repeatedly and nothing he did would keep them out. Once he did so, they were stealing Gods pineapples, and bad things started happening to them that were out of Otto’s control, and they finally came to Otto and demanded that he take the pineapples back from God! Similar things happend through out the talks, but all ended with Otto having more then he started with after he gave whatever it was to God.
It seems to me (and I hope I’m in like with the scriptures on this), that when people have a burning desire for something good, that God says is a blessing (like children), it’s usually God who gives us that desire. I have yet to find a verse that says you can only have ‘so many blessings’ or ‘To much of a good thing is a bad thing’.
So I would wonder if this is something like that. I can’t imagine that God would give you a desire for something soooo good like kids (Myself being one) without a purpose.
I hope I haven’t spoken out of term or anything of that sort. I do so enjoy reading your blog!
Thanks!
Paul
Growing up, I wanted to have 100 kids. As I got older, I thought a dozen would be nice. My husband didn’t really want more than 6. We half heartedly prevented a baby for our first 2 years to concentrate on getting out of debt (his). But I was seriously discouraged before our 4th anniversary rolled around and I had JUST found out I was FINALLY expecting our first baby. When she was 15 months old, I found out I was pregnant, and by the end of the week, had miscarried. A few months later, I was pregnant again and had our second daughter just shy of the first one being 2 1/2. Then my whole system went whacky … and I followed the doctor’s recommendation to use the pill for a year to level things out (I wish I knew then what I know now about the pill) … but I can’t undo it. V nursed a full 2 years, and was diagnosed with asthma. My husband lost his job and we moved twice – the second time in with his parents.
When V was 4 1/2 years old, I found out I was pregnant – and lost it 3 days later. A few months later, I miscarried again. Then nothing.
When V was 7. I did a parasite clense. And 9 months later welcomed our only son into the world. We still find that strange. But …
Just after he turned 2, I miscarried again.
The following summer, I misscarried again, this time at 15 weeks. The longest I had ever gone and lost a baby. Normally I don’t get past 8 weeks.
A year later (I was now 41). We found out we were expecting again. Sitting at my feet, eating animal crackers, is my 10 month old daughter.
That’s 9 pregnancies and 4 births.
I might get pregnant again. But with the addition of my niece into our family. I don’t have time to stop and do reduced activity which we credit keeping the last 3 babies. With K, our first, I didn’t have anything extra to do, I just slept the first 3 months.
My Dad just welcomed his 25th grand child into the family. #26 is due next month. I only have 3 sisters.
I’ve had people in the quiverfull movement make a comment to me that “Preventing children is wrong.” … Jumping to the conclusion that since I ONLY had 2 girls, that obviously it was MY FAULT. Never jump to conclusions. It hurts horribly to want a BIG family and have preganancy test’s come up negative after negative. Or worse, Positive and a few days or weeks later to loose the baby.
I just try to give it to God and let him decide. Some days it is really hard. But with the birth of my 4th baby, somewhere along the way, I achieved a measure of peace about it. Maybe it was that 42nd birthday or waking up with a creak in my back from falling asleep nursing at a strange angle?