Following our tenth anniversary last week, a commenter named Rachel asked me if there was anything in particular I would pass on to young people, anything I wish I’d known before marriage. Well, I’m still tremendously young myself, and I know that ten years is only a beginning compared to many godly, long marriages, but if there were one thing I would pass on at this point in my life it would be this:
There will come a time in your marriage, maybe as early as your honeymoon, more likely a few years down the road, when you will look into the eyes of your spouse and see a stranger, when you will wonder in horror and despair what happened to the person you thought you were marrying back when you walked down that aisle, all shimmering with satin and hope. Maybe the sensitive, loving man forgets to say I love you and cold, sullen days turn to cold, sullen years over a job he hates, or maybe he loves his job and would rather work endless hours than come home to you and the babies you’ve struggled with all day. Maybe the godly spiritual leader turns apathetic and doesn’t feel like praying, or the romantic gentleman stops opening your door and gets disgusted that you didn’t make sure he had clean dress socks. The noble Prince Charming with eyes only for you winds up addicted to porn, or the cheerful, fun, kid-lover becomes a seething ball of rage over your children’s foibles and punches a hole in your dining room wall.
This cuts both ways, of course. Your husband will look into the eyes of a stranger, too. Maybe his biggest fan becomes his biggest critic, or the doe-eyed darling so eager to submit feels the need to argue over every decision and calls him names and slams doors, or the cute little passion flower turns out to be as hot in bed as a dead fish. Maybe the stylish girl with the tight body and strappy sandals gains fifty pounds from childbearing and develops an affinity for baggy sweats, or the spunky sweetheart with the balmy smile succumbs to weariness and a furrowed brow.
Nobody thinks it will happen to them, when they are young and in love, when life is fresh and bright with promise, when they’ve found the one person in all the earth who is perfect for them. And how can they know, really? When we’re courting, excited and hopeful, it’s like planting a garden in the cool sunshine of springtime, and it’s hard to predict what it will be like when the weeds grow under an oppressive summer sun. We don’t know ourselves truly how we’ll be when the babies start coming and the job gets frantic, when the bills are high and the bank account low, when there’s yard work, and vacuuming, and morning sickness. And when we see that stranger sitting across from us, we’re shocked. We feel gypped. It was bait and switch. This wasn’t what we’d bargained for.
Some might say this sort of thing can be avoided by careful courtship and I’ll concede that it may be possible to some extent to avoid the worst of it. But the danger here is that when the stranger shows up, it’s tempting to think, “Well, I didn’t court carefully enough. I’ll just divorce this person who is so clearly wrong for me, and find someone better by paying a little more attention this time.” The problem there is two-fold. Number one, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:6). And number two, you probably won’t do much better next time because there’s a little bit of the stranger in all of us, and we never, ever marry the person we think we’re marrying.
The flip side of this coin can be even more devastating. The only thing harder than being married to a stranger is finding out that YOU are also a stranger, a disappointment, that the person you thought loved you more than anyone in the universe wishes you were different. The temptation here is to become bitterly defensive, indignant at not being loved like you’d expected, wounded that the one who sees your soul naked also sees the warts. There’s the desire to wrap yourself in steel, to hide from the one who does not find you worthy and to punish him for his unfair expectations.
Dismal. This is how a marriage fails.
But here is how a marriage succeeds: Both husband and wife commit to obeying the Bible and loving the stranger even when it’s hard, the wife to respecting even a man who yells and gets disgusted, the husband to loving without bitterness even a wife who has a recurring “headache” and never smiles. And they both commit to the self-sacrifice of being willing to change. They may be strangers today, but they can become beloved friends tomorrow if they are willing to give up their own preferences and become the person their spouse longs for them to be, to trade their indignation at having their warts seen for a willingness to cut them out. When the wife commits to submission even when it comes to trading in her sweat pants and trusting the Lord with her husband’s “unwise” decision, and the husband commits to Christ-like crucifixion of self even when it means leaving work in time for dinner and picking up a new package of socks.
If they will do this, loving and changing through the hard years, two strangers may wake up to find that they have the marriage of their dreams and that they are far more in love than they ever were when they were courting.
Note: we need to love the stranger that is our husband and be willing to change for him whether or not he ever reciprocates. We do what’s right to please the Lord, not because we want to manipulate someone else to do what’s right towards us. Sometimes, it can take years of one spouse doing the right thing before the other comes around, and sometimes the other spouse never comes around. But the Lord never forsakes those who are trusting in Him.
Ouch. But, yes, ultimately I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. Depressing and hopeful all in one mouthful.
This is such an awesome summary of what marriage is truly like that I have nothing to say except thank you for writing this!
I did marry a stranger. I got engaged after one month of acquaintance.
Other people I know have known each other for years, and still feel just the way you described.
It seems that how we progress is far more important than how we begin!
“Marriage is a covered dish,” so it has been said. This is the reason we must love God more than any human on earth. I hope I can trust and love my Savior enough that when a husband fails to love, (If God has in plan for me to marry.) God’s love will be sufficient. I hope, I pray to that end.
I can understand what you are saying! I think the only way to get around this is to stop marrying humans. Humans are utterly flawed, and I don’t care how long the courtship was. I’d like to think that we are getting better and we get older. No, I think it has something to do with learning to laugh more rather than less. God’s blessing on a marriage that is that two strangers can live together in some degree of harmony while battling the flesh every minute of the day. When I figure it out, I’ll let you know! LOL.
My husband and I have often laugh and point out that compared to how we feel about each other now, we didn’t even know what love was when we got married (18 years ago).
Very well-put and insightful. I like how you describe the romance of courtship and the fact that marriage cannot possibly maintain that. However, I find it a little disturbing that so many of the comments use words like “depressing” and “giving up” and “some degree of harmony”. I love Susan’s comment. Marriage is different from courtship but it is not less – it is so much deeper and richer and more. I read your post NOT as saying the key to a successful marriage is learning to live with disappointment, but rather the key is learning to fully commit to and find joy and love in your marriage even if (when) it is not what you expected it to be.
I will have been married 16 years in August. Yes, my husband has a temper. He literally did punch a hole in the wall out of frustration with a crying toddler once. But he also stood by me through a long and devasting illness when I was contributing less than nothing to our marriage and family. He sacrifices his own small pleasures to make sure our daughter can have a nice birthday. He cares for us and protects us. He is my soulmate and I love him more than I imagined possible. I know I have been incredibly blessed in my marriage, but I don’t think I am, or ought to be, a rare exception. I really believe this is the way marriage is supposed to be.
This is so very good…very well articulated and full of hope for many women, I’m sure. A very good reminder for us to continue to be the woman he courted–not fake, but recapturing our desire to please him.
beautiful post~ I think we can all relate in one way or another. I use to get after my husband for leaving his socks and work shirts laying arounf,but as I matured spititually, I learned that I was sinning more,and infront of my kids,so I can’t say that he always picks up his socks,but I do see it as an opportunity to bless him and serve Him by picking up those smelly socks
. The circumstances may not change ,but our heart does transform if we let God! We see things from God’s point of view,we are but nearsighted….God is good and thank you for writing beautifully~
So true! What I’ve found a blessing is that in those moments when I am having to desperately pray myself towards a more loving attitude, God is utilizing our time together to bond me more deeply to Him as well as to answer my prayer of giving me a more gracious heart towards that “human” (thanks Jena) I have been weaved together with for life. God truly uses our struggle for a win-win.
Thanks for sharing from the heart! So many ladies in disappointing marriages need to read this. It isn’t over when you see the stranger – it has only just begin and it can be a beautiful marriage.
I’ve been married almost eight years, so I’m still a young married! We’ve had the growing pains and discoveries like everyone else. But last night, laying in bed I told my hubby that I never could have imagined on my wedding day that marriage could be this good or my groom so wonderful. God truly can work beyond our imaginations! He is SO GOOD!
Gina
So true and so eloquently put.
Thank you for this. I think I needed it today.
So true! There’s kind of an “up-side” to marrying a “stranger”: life is never dull. Trevvor and I are always making new discoveries about each other, both for better and for worse. Sometimes I find myself looking at him and thinking, “Who are you???” not because he’s just done something totally awful, but because he surprises me and I realize I still have so much more to learn about the man with whom I pray to have the opportunity to grow old.
As a young person, I have to say this is a little depressing, and familiar too. I’ve never actually witnessed a good marriage in my life, but I’ve seen and read about so many couples who actually seem happy with each other. I think that’s a rarity in our society, but it gives me a little hope for the future.
Blessings,
Kate
Kate,
I am blissfully happy with my husband. I am so much more in love with him now than I ever was when we were courting, and back then, I thought our relationship was perfect. The thing is, a good marriage is not always smooth sailing. When we expect it to be, and the inevitable storms come, we are horrified. We think our marriage is not “good,” and then we’re tempted to give up. I wrote this, not to depress people, but to help them have a realistic picture of the storms, so they could have hope.
This is a wonderful article. I have been married 24 years and I dated my husband for 6 years prior to our marriage. I love him dearly! I would marry him all over again in a heartbeat. What you said it so true, but we have a choice! I choice to change for my man and in return he changes for me. My parents were married 48 years before my father passed on and my in laws have been married for 53 years. Marriage take love, yes, but also commitment come good or bad.
As always this post has really encouraged me, and found me when I really needed to read it. Thank you dear friend for taking the time to write so beautifully, and so much truth. I still am around, even though I can barely find the time to comment or blog myself. Hope you are doing well
I love this, Mrs. P. I’m actually going through this very thing right now, and this article is so encouraging. Thank you, thank you thank you!
Great post.