If you give life to a bigger than average brood, you get comments, mostly the tired old “are they ALL yours?” and “you’ve got your hands full!” kind, but sometimes somebody comes up with a new one, something more blunt and honest, something that makes you think about the world and human nature and even, (ouch) about yourself. The most recent was a few days ago, at a baby shower. We were all standing around eating fresh summer fruit and drinking a lovely orange punch when someone mentioned that I have four children. I was prepared for the usual raised eyebrows, but not at all for what actually happened. One of the ladies said the thing that a lot of people probably think but don’t have the courage to voice out loud: “UGH! That does not sound fun!”
It’s true that the life of a big family mom isn’t the one most people would choose. There are many reasons for this: finances, the environment, worries over lack of emotional and physical energy, etc. But any of these obstacles could be overcome with a little creativity and grit if it weren’t for that king of reasons: having a big family doesn’t sound fun.
And there’s a reason for that. Having children isn’t always fun. There are the sleepless nights and piles of laundry, tantrums, throw-up bugs, diaper leaks on your friend’s new couch (ahem), potty training that drags on for months…and more months. And then you have a few more children and discover the joys of trying to care for older kids while you’re morning sick, and of not even being able to go to the bathroom without having at least one child yelling “Mommy!,” to say nothing of the screaming, yelling, running in the house, and bickering that all need constant, constant, constant correction. And people just multiply all this by the number of children you’re talking about, and wind up with some pretty serious non-fun.
But still, hearing someone actually say it can make me just a touch defensive. And my initial reaction to the the idea that my children might not be fun was to think, “Well, she just doesn’t know MY kids. My kids are REALLY fun.” And they are. But it got me thinking over the last few days. And you know what? As fun as my children are, as creative, and funny, and loving, and smart, and delightful as they can be, I don’t always act like I enjoy them. I don’t always tell them by my attitudes and actions, “Hey, I think you’re fun! I’m so glad I have you!” Pretty often, it’s more like “Hey, I think you’re juvenile and inept, and why couldn’t you get your chore done on time, and why didn’t you pay attention to your math worksheet, and how could you possibly think it would be a good idea to put bubble solution on your baby sister’s head???”
If I could dismiss a stranger’s negative attitude toward my family size by thinking, “Well, she doesn’t know my children; if she did, she’d think they were fun,” what does it mean about me when I focus on the negative myself? I do know my children, and yet here I am insinuating on a nearly daily basis that I don’t think it’s fun to have four kids. How does that make my kids feel? And what is that doing to our relationship?
God says that children are a blessing, and I say it, too. I want to shout it from the rooftops, prove it with my choices, and write about it on my blog, and when I take the time to enjoy my kids, they really are a fun blessing. I want them to know that I like them and that I like this job God has given me of training them, even on the days when the bubble solution gets worked up to rich lather on the baby’s head, and math is a disaster, and I have to discipline again for bickering. This is just the ordinary stuff of life with four small children. But there are also the silly jokes, and the hugs, and hearing “Mommy’s home!” when you come back from the gym, and getting asked why we call them “pig tails” when pigs only have one tail, and whether angels’ wings “provide lift,” and getting to see your 13 month-old trying to load the dishwasher. Multiply all this by the number of children you’re talking about, and you wind up with some pretty serious fun.
Of course, having fun isn’t the only reason, or even the main reason, to have children. And of course, we’re all going to have rough times. I’m not suggesting that it should be fun to discover your baby’s diaper leaked on your friend’s couch. But seeing my feeling of surprise at another person’s suggestion that my kids might not be fun made me realize that I should hold myself to the same standard in how I view my children. I should go through my days focusing on the positives of motherhood and be surprised at myself when I’m not acting like my children are fun. The overarching attitude of my life should be joy, not frustrated weariness.
In a world that thinks kids are a drag, I have a question for all of us mommies who say they’re a blessing: Are we having fun yet?
Yup. having fun.
I’ve been learning that it’s not just the most important job I’ll ever have – it is joy too. As important as training them, or perhaps an important part of training them, is delighting in them. The past few weeks I’ve put down the computer and just sat and paid attention to them while they eat and talk and play and work out their differences (with occasional interjections from me: consider your brother’s needs above your own) and it has been enlightening. It has been fun! And their behavior has been better. They have become more affectionate and more willing to listen. All because I’ve been taking the time to enjoy them.
It was posts like this one that prompted me to follow your blog in the first place. Thank-you so much for the reminder. I’m all too guilty of having an attitude of frustrated weariness. And yet, I know I’d respond in the same defensive way when challenged. Are we having fun, yet, indeed.
Thanks for this! A subject I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, and you’ve put it into words. I’m printing it out and it’s going up in my kitchen.
The woman’s comment was about her, not you — in your shoes, even if she had children just as wonderful as yours, she would NOT be having fun.
The challenge is to remind ourselves that these people aren’t talking about us, but about themselves in our shoes.
I once told a childless-by-choice woman I had three kids, and her answer was to shake her head and say, “Kids — one mistake I’m glad I never made!”
I bristled, thinking she meant that I had made a mistake.
And then I realized that for HER, having kids WOULD have been a mistake.
I’ve got the “That does not sound fun” comment, too, both about my family and believe it or not, also about my job (which I basically like, although I don’t like my particular boss right now, so I am working to change some things — but I still like the job itself).
My answer is always, “Well, I think it’s fun.”
And if I am honest with myself, I will admit that I personally didn’t think babies were any fun, but older kids more than making up for it! That’s just me!
I have one son and I’m expecting baby #2 when my son is around 24 months old. And I think having four kids sounds like a lot of fun!
Yeah, there’s a lot of work. And diapers. And there’s more to think about when you have 3+ kids than if you just had one or two.
But my husband and I were talking the other day, and we couldn’t understand how some people just want two kids, and no more. To us, it just feels like we’re getting started!
My son somehow figured out how to open a water bottle, and he proceeded to dump it out all over our carpet. My first reaction was to get the bottle away from him, and my second was to just burst out laughing. He looked surprised that the water came out! And really, I’m glad my reaction was to laugh instead of yell.
Kids are so funny and while we have our rough days, I do hope I get to be a mama of many.
Thanks for the attitude check. I’m always saying how fun my kids are but at the same time screaming at them like they’re a pack of maniacal man eating hyenas. I just found out that I’m expecting baby #6 and in the midst of complaining about how badly everybody would take it, and how I just couldn’t bear all the negativity, I was so far from praising God myself I might as well have been a mean lady in the grocery store staring down a woman with 6 kids. Very ashamed of myself. Thanks for the post.
Oh, you young moms! I would have snorted, flipped my hair back and said, “Well, it was a whole lot of fun makin’ em”
My husband is in the military, and the worst one we ever heard was from a young, single enlisted lady when my husband joyfully announced that we were expecting our 6th child. Her reply was “If that happened to me, I would shoot myself in the face!” I can say with all honesty that that is one we hadn’t heard before! It saddens me, whether people choose to have children or not (in our family, we believe that God chooses, not us, but most people live by the belief that it is up to them), the negative attitude towards children in general.
I have two thoughts. The first is that it often seems that the humanistic catechism is that “Man’s chief is to have fun and enjoy himself forever.” One more than one occasion I have heard it said,in reference to a parent who has died while doing something dangerous and foolish, “Well, he died doing what he enjoyed.” as if that makes it OK that he left behind a grieving family, his wife a widow and his children fatherless. And it is said with the same sort of admiration that we used to reserve for those who died saving another’s life.
Second, as a now older woman (I only have teens at home now, and yes, we do often have fun)I can honestly say that I learned this a long time ago about fun and happiness: the harder you strive for them, the more elusive they become. It is in finding joy in one’s duty that leads to “fun.”
I find this post very inspiring. You took what can only be described as an incredibly rude, insensitive, and inappropriate comment and turned it into a reminder for yourself to not just enjoy your children, but show them your joy in them all the time. I only have one child, but how I respond both internally and verbally when people make comments about my parenting choices is definitely a lesson I need to work on. Also, my daughter is the light of my life and I do not hesitate to say that, but there can never be too many reminders to demonstrate that fact to her whenever I am with her.
Thanks!
Adele
Interesting. I cannot wait to have my first! And then, second, third, and so on and so forth. Oops…I guess my life is over huh?
But then again, what is your life? But a vapor right? So, why not raise up Servants of the Lord while you are here? Amen?
Listen to Brother Denny Kenaston speaking on the Eternal Value of a Child – http://www.charityministries.org/audio/GH02A.mp3
I love this. I was thinking very similarly just the other day – the kids were successfully tucked in for the night and as I thought about our plans for the next day I was filled with hope and inspiration at the idea of just enjoying being with my children. My time with them truly is precious and invigorating when I shift my focus off myself and put it on “us”.
Good thoughts. I agree that raising a large family isn’t always fun. But anything worthwhile is hard work, right? I love what Susan said about *seeking* for things to be fun all the time. It’s not necessarily a good goal, but rather something that naturally (can) flow out of diligently loving our families and serving them as Christ commanded us to. Not to say we shouldn’t plan ‘fun times’; I definitely think we should. But in the nitty-gritty of life, sometimes seeking it all to be fun leads to frustration and wrong focus, I think.
I had to laugh at Jena’s comment. Wish I could think of something like that to say when people make such insensitive remarks.
I just have four children, the first three in four years, and that wasn’t always fun. It was often very hard work, with lots of worries and prayer, prayer and more prayer. But seeing them now as wonderful adults, I can say it was worth every minute of it. This is the most important job in the world and I’d do it all again. Looking forward now to having lots of grandchildren.
Susan and Candice,
You are absolutely right that seeking a life of fun leads to entirely the wrong focus. Doing all the things you think are fun is not the point of life. Glorifying God is the point of life. However, glorifying God IS fun. And when we focus on the joys of the work He has given us, rather than on how hard it is, we can find that life is very fun indeed.
Sorry to appear to be a know it all:
But glorifying God isn’t always fun.
Jesus glorified his Father by dying on the cross, Peter and Paul for suffering and going to prison for Him and Stephen by dying the martyer’s death! A mother who encourages her child who is discouraged because of massive learing problems, feels intensely with him, suffers, prays and glorifies God, by not giving her child up and helping him to the end. Fun is great and God gives us fun, but that is just one side of the coin.
Sarah,
You aren’t a know it all! You’re a wise and godly, more experienced woman, and I always value your input.
You are quite right that the Christian life is not one of guarantied jollies and constant giggly fun. Just like you said, suffering and fun are two sides of the same coin when it comes to glorifying God. Jesus was “despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3), and yet “for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2). Certainly, this life is full of sorrow and suffering, something we all know both in the abstract and through our experience. I never meant to say that mothering would ever be ONLY fun. (Diaper leaks, and discipline problems, and sleepless nights, etc. are NOT fun.)
However, there ARE two sides to the coin. There is joy set before a mother, too, and sometimes it’s right there to be reveled in, but we’re too focused on the work and weariness to see it. We should appreciate the hugs even when we’re tired, the jokes even when the laundry is piled high, and the dear little attempts at help even when we’re morning sick. That was all I was trying to say.
Boy! Talk about how perspective is everything! I think of four kids as an ‘average’ size family. In my little world a large family is more like 8 kids. Good testimony!
Thanks so much! I’m guilty so often of focusing on all the “hard” things in child raising. I DO love my children dearly and need to show them that I love having fun with them instead of drilling all the time on behavior that needs changed!
Now, I’m going to get off the computer and spend some time with my four blessings!
Gina