In a few short years my daughters will be grown, and I ask myself, who will they marry? A man whose entire concept of women and intimacy has been shaped by self-centered perversion? Porn is everywhere. I’ve heard it described at the common cold of our generation. But it’s more like the Plague. And it has trashed the minds of an entire generation of young men, even Christian young men. Now, rather than marrying a man who has stayed pure waiting for marriage, the reality is that most young women will be marrying men whose minds have been altered by thousands of pornographic images and experiences and who will bring thought patterns orchestrated by pornographers into marriage. How do we even begin to undo that damage?
Tim Challies of Challies.com has written a wonderful series of posts for Christian young men, married or still single, to help them renew their minds. One of the great things about it is that it is actually a discreet and non-explicit treatment of the subject, while still hitting the nail squarely on the theological head. So, if a young man doesn’t know much about porn, he won’t be learning anything titillating. This is not just another “porn is bad–you oughta quit” series, because, as Challies points out, most young men already know porn is bad and want to quit. It’s just that their desire to quit is not as great as their desire to continue. To help get their motivations in balance, this is much more a “sex as God created it is great–here’s how you’re ruining it” series designed to help set the Lord’s incredible vision in contrast to the Enemy’s lies. I highly, highly recommend it to young men and anyone connected with them in any way (which is pretty much everyone in some way or another) but especially to parents, fiancees, young wives and especially to parents and the young men themselves who are about to go off to college or have some other increased interaction with the world where they will beyond a doubt be encountering both temptation and a majority of people whose minds have been altered by the lies of pornography.
Here’s an excerpt from the first article:
Pornography is inherently violent, inherently unloving. It is a perversion of sexuality, not a true form of it, and one that teaches violence and degradation at the expense of mutual pleasure and intimacy. It is about conquests, about conquering. It is the very opposite of God’s intention for sex. It tears love from sex, leaving sex as the immediate gratification of one’s most base desires. It lives beyond rules and ethics and morality. It exists far beyond love. And yet countless young men, Christian young men, are coming into marriage bringing with them all of this pornographic baggage. Having seen thousands of sex acts in a pornographic setting, they load the porn star expectation upon their wives. The young husband assumes or demands that his wife will be willing to do anything, that she will do it all with the proper joy and encouragements, and that she will be as willing and eager and skilled as the women he has seen on the screen.
…With the vast majority of young men having been exposed to pornography (at least 90% according to recent studies), with a large percentage of them having been addicted to it and with many enjoying it still as they enter into marriage, they need to have their understanding and their expectations reset according to the One who created sex.
Many young men need a kind of sexual detox before they are equipped to be the kind of pure, loving, attentive, sacrificial husbands that God calls them to be. In this series of articles I hope to help young men reorient their understanding of sex, both in the big picture and in the act itself, according to God’s plan for this great gift.
Sexual Detox I: Pornifying the Marriage Bed
Sexual Detox II: Breaking Free
Sexual Detox III: A Theology of Sex
Sexual Detox IV: Detoxification
Sexual Detox: Recommended Resources
Or download it as an e-book here.
Hearken unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth. Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death. –Proverbs 7:24-27
Thank you so much for linking to this! I know several ladies (myself included!) who will want to share this with the men and boys who are near and dear to them.
thanks for the resources. Everyone has their calling, and I think this is yours–equipping the saints in this way. I appreciate your burdens.
Am I so naive to think this isn’t a problem for the young men in our circle? I do appreciate the link to the resource, and I will have to ask some of the families if it is something of interest.
I recognize that, overall, this is a problem. Just have not seen the issue rise in any personal way.
Kim,
It MAY be that reason you haven’t seen this rise in any personal way is that no one wants to talk about it. Young men like to hide it, and quite often don’t really want to change, or else mistakenly believe they can change on their own and are way too embarrassed to ask for help, especially in environments where it doesn’t seem to be a problem for anyone else. They tend to think they’re the only one who struggles. If no one is bringing it up and having serious, frank discussions with these young men, then it is very likely to slip under everyone’s radar.
I have a friend whose spouse is unsaved. I read part of the series and it breaks my heart for my friend. I printed the booklet, but honestly I don’t know if it will help them changing a heart to christ and modifying behaviors has it’s order but I am praying. They are raising three daughters and really need some help in this very area. I wouldn’t know if my friend didn’t tell me frequently how upsetting it is for her.
thanks for posting this
Trish,
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I think it’s important to remember that if a man doesn’t know the Lord, there is very little chance for him to have any victory in this area.
The place to start with your friend’s husband is the Gospel. It’s possible that his inability to control his pornography addiction will lead him to Christ, but it’s much more likely that he doesn’t even want to change. That desire only comes from the Holy Spirit.
Thanks for the link. If my husband were not the pastor, I would never have known how common this problem is. My husband is counseling several “fine upstanding young men” who struggle in this area. It is so highly stigmatized and yet so common: a deadly combination. Lots of men need help and are ashamed to ask for it.