My children are my arrows, my messengers that I will one day send out into the future. They carry all my hopes and dreams, my beliefs, even my genetic code. Nothing is closer to my very self. I want so much for them.
What if they don’t fly straight?
What if I pull too hard and my arrows snap and lie broken at my feet?
What if they reject everything I’ve tried to teach them?
I have watched the young adults of my generation as their parents released them, and I have watched the hopeful mothers and fathers having to cope with arrows that missed their mark. Could there ever be a more crushing failure? And I have asked myself, why? What causes one generation to throw off the dreams of the last? What causes arrows, once released, to fly far in unforeseen directions?
Was it something in the shaping?
I hold my little ones, my arrows, day in and day out, through Bible reading and math problems and sitting quietly in church, potty training, bed times, vegetables at dinner, and “Did you lie to Mommy?” “Don’t hit your sister,” and “Who wrote with permanent ink on the wall?”. Day in, day out. Shaping. I have only one chance at this, one chance, and then the release.
How am I doing? Am I succeeding?
I have attempted to straighten my arrows in a vice of logic, to educate them into my world view, and convince them of the infinite worth of my values. I’ve been strict and exacting, critiquing their every fault, and lecturing out maps to expected improvements. But I forgot that my arrows were forming minds of their own. And I frustrated them.
I have attempted to chisel my arrows with brute force, to argue them into submission, and command them to adopt my grand vision. I’ve been cold and harsh, intolerant of their insufficiencies, unbending from the height of my standards. But I forgot that my arrows were flesh and not stone. And I wounded them.
Without love, without joy, my arrows will not believe me when I tell them what matters in life. They will mock when I aim them. “Ha. You didn’t love us. You were never happy. All the stuff that you said didn’t make an ounce of difference in your life. You were still grumpy and dissatisfied. Release us. We’ll fly where people are nice.”
Nice.
We believe the people who are nice to us.
Not just sugar nice, or sometimes nice, but deeply, to the core nice, the ones who understand us, and love us, and aren’t surprised we feel that way, who want to be with us, who aren’t ashamed of us, driven crazy by us, annoyed, or unhappy. When they tell us about life, we listen, since obviously, what they believe has made them into people we would actually like to be. When they tell us hard things, we feel inspired. When they correct us, we take it seriously. If they have to discipline us, the deepest wounding is the knowledge that we didn’t live up to all they thought of us. They hardly have to aim us. We aim ourselves, in the very same direction that the joyful, loving, nice people are going.
The most convincing argument I can give my children for why they should value the things I value and fly ahead in the direction I’m hoping is simply being nice to them. Shaping is important, but shaping without love and good old fashioned, everyday niceness leads to rebellion. The deep discussions must be balanced by tickle fights and cookie baking, the discipline with bedtime backrubs and cheery morning hugs. I have to give my children a reason to want to know what I think about life. I have to show them that people who love the Lord are also the ones who are able to love them with the most abandon, to be the kindest when they fail, and the most patient while they learn. Instead of barreling on in terror lest I fail to shape them exactly flawlessly correctly, I need to put the most effort into simply being nice.
By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone. –Proverbs 25:15
Lovely. Exactly right. Thank you.
I hope I can remember all of these things for when I’m a parent. My perfectionist personality leans more towards the shaping than the showing of love, I’m afraid. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Mrs. P.
Good thoughts. It’s a lot of work to be nice, isn’t it? But I am SURE that you are doing better than you think. It’s so hard to keep the balance of correcting and enjoying the kids. The kids are more resilient than we think. But I do think a harsh, exacting parenting style is the primary factor in creating rebellion. Then again, a very passive style can create it too. I’ll report in when I figure this out.
The good book says train up your child and when he is old he will not depart. We have to proclaim that and not buy into other people’s ideas, oh well you never know ,teenagers do what they want etc etc.I know it seems over confident but shouldn’t we be confident in what the Lord says. I’m sure the Lord can make up for our deficiencies, I guess we just have to keep having faith and acting like christians to our children, stop worrying about tomorrow,today has enough worries and enjoy our parenting now. What do you think Mrs P?
Well said! I think I will bake some cookies tomorrow
)
Linda,
I think that being nice is a crucial part of training up our children in the way they should go. Being nice is setting the example of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If we tell our children to be godly, but then we aren’t godly ourselves, what have we actually taught them? We have taught them that our beliefs have no power. If everything we’ve said for years hasn’t helped us, why should our children believe it’s going to help them?
You are right that we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow. However,
When I see other Christian parents’ children turning away from what seems very much to be the path they were trained up on, I think it is prudent to try to see where they were led out of the way and to evaluate whether I am making similar mistakes.
Thank you. I NEEDED to read this.
Oh, so true! Thank you for the reminder today.
Thank you!! This is so timely! I needed to hear this. Very well stated.
Yes, THANK YOU! I also needed to read this. I thank God for you and the encouragement you are in my mothering!
Dear Mrs P, Michael Pearl has an article Jumping Ship that has some interesting ideas about what to avoid.Our children are going to be adult christians one day, children of the Lord just like us.I sometimes am probably too prudent but naysayers can be pretty disheartening,I know that some people are too hard and some too lax but some people are just too hard on themselves. I just get tired of people having low expectations of their fruits even if they are doing everything they can to train up their children as they prayerfully see God sees fit mainly because other christians who have children who have fallen away bring them down.I’m not a blab it grab it christian but there are some things that we have to have faith in and training up children is one of them.I agree we do our best to follow a godly life, I think you are but too man people are worrying too much about what the naysayers are saying ,this is one thing that is definitely a walk by faith issue.
We should also remember — God might have His own uses for a particular arrow’s trajectory. Our arrows might not fly where we thought we were aiming them, but maybe God has another plan, involving something unforeseen (like a broken arrow shaft becoming some sort of highly useful tool, to extend the metaphor). We don’t always understand — or perhaps we won’t even be around to watch — a particular arrow’s journey after it leaves our hands.
Very well said. I once read a book showing how children will naturally follow people they like and before having any influence over them, they must like you.