Thanks for visiting!

All content is copyrighted. Please ask permission before copying any text or photographs.

Categories

How Porn Makes Women Feel

A lot of men don’t seem to understand why women get so upset about pornography. They know it’s a sin, but they sort of see it like any other sin and can’t comprehend why their wives should feel so devastated. So, for the sakes of our future daughters-in-law, here’s something we can all teach our sons:

If you want your wife to be beautiful for you, then you understand how she feels about your eyes being just for her.

Why on earth would that be? It goes like this.

Men desire the sight of women’s bodies. They actually derive emotional comfort and meaning out of looking at a hot, sexy woman.

And, in just the same way, women desire to be desired. They actually derive emotional comfort and meaning out of being cherished as their husband’s one and only source of passion.

When a man disregards one of his wife’s most fundamental longings and places his desire in any woman besides his wife, his wife feels exactly the same way a man would feel if his wife were to disregard his fundamental longing for enjoyment of her body and become frumpy and frigid, rebuffing him every time he asks for sex, and going around all day in an old stained bathrobe, with unkempt hair, picking her nose, and passing gas.

The disgust is the same.

The disappointment is the same.

The feelings of being cheated, unloved, and unvalidated are the same.

Men don’t understand how much porn hurts women because they think about porn in relation to masculine needs not feminine needs. They imagine how they would feel if their wives were into it, and it doesn’t sound all that bad. But that’s because it doesn’t threaten men. Porn has no effect on how beautiful their wives are, and therefore men’s deepest desires are not put in jeopardy. A porn problem seems no worse than an anger problem or a problem with lying. And since it demonstrates an interest in sex, it can almost seem like a sign of something positive.

But for a woman, it is a betrayal of the one thing she wants most in an intimate relationship.

Our sons need to understand this. Before they get involved.

33 comments to How Porn Makes Women Feel

  • First, I’m so sad I can’t view the video in your last post. My computer has no sound. =( I’ll have to bookmark it to watch in a few months when hopefully I’ll get a new computer. (yea!)

    This is a great post and I can say that it’s certainly true since I grew up in a home with a father heavily involved in things of this sort. (Praise God he is a forgiven and changed man now though!)

    I do disagree with one point though. You said, “Porn has no effect on how beautiful their wives are, and therefore men’s deepest desires are not put in jeopardy.” I think it does affect how a man views his wife. How in the world can women come close to comparing to the pornography images they see? I’ve had four kids and I know I can’t! =)

    Your main point still holds true though. This mom of two sons thanks you!

  • Charity

    Mrs. Parunak,
    You couldn’t have described how I feel about porn (and immodesty) any more clearly. It’s like you peeked inside my head. :) I am so thankful for a husband that cherishes and desires me. I love being his one and only and I think every woman desires to feel that way.

    Thank you for this excellent post. Blessing…

  • Amen!!!! Every men should read this post and let God teach them trough His word and your wisdom!

  • Thanks for the insights! At times, I’ve also struggled to understand how devastating porn is to wives (I certainly believe it’s wrong, but the extent of damage is difficult to grasp unless you’ve either experienced it or done your homework), but your explanation makes a lot of sense to me. As if women weren’t already plagued with enough self-image issues…

  • Mrs. Parunak

    Lori,

    Thank you so much for your encouraging comment. You are absolutely right that when men are involved in porn, it very often makes them feel like their wives are no longer good enough.

    What I was trying to say was that a man caught in the porn trap can find it easy to imagine that if his wife were involved in looking at porn, she would still the same to him, and since that’s what he most cares about, he wouldn’t feel like he’d lost anything. Men then reason that porn’s no big deal (which, of course, is completely wrong).

  • True. Sometimes I wonder: is there a reason why a Christian man can not be delivered from this? It seems so devistating, so harmful. I am hurting for all the women out there who have experienced this type of rejection from their husbands. It really is a form of abandonment. At least that is what it seems you are describing. It’s sort of a sexual abandonment. Thank you for these insights. And may God give many people victory over this.

  • L.

    Interesting!

    Porn has never been an issue in our marriage. But I must say, I am both “frumpy and frigid” — and much of the time, I am too darned tired to have sex (though I am happy to report that my old bathrobe, hair are nose are all well-maintained, and that I do try to keep my gas to myself in an effort to avoid making the houseplants wilt and scaring the children). Honestly, I expect my husband to LOVE my frumpy frigidity, the way I love his unshaven grumpiness. Part of what I love about being married is NOT making an effort, and being naturally comfortable around each other — including rejecting advances when they aren’t wanted, and understanding when sometimes he does the same.

    Every marriage is different. I personally find porn distasteful, but for different reasons than those you describe above.

  • Adele

    Very interesting post. I am a married woman who has no problem with porn. I’ve always known that many women, both Christian and non-Christian, are extremely upset by pornography in general and even more upset if their husbands view porn, but I’ve never really understood why. Now I think I understand much better where at least some of these women are coming from and how they are feeling. Thanks!

  • L.,

    You made me laugh! I think all wives would agree that there are days when we all fit the ‘frumpy and frigid’ description – hopefully very few days! It is part of marriage to love each other during these days, true. However, I enjoy looking my best for my husband most of the time – I wouldn’t present myself as less for him than I would for company.

  • L,

    You guys all make me laugh. The house plants wilting? I love it. I’ve never had porn enter our marriage either. It seems all too common in some people’s lives. Perhaps, it’s because we are older? Maybe the younger couples are struggling with this more.

  • Mrs. Parunak

    O.M.

    Yes, younger people are struggling with this more. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of guys under 30 I know who don’t have trouble with this. And that includes guys from “nice” Christian homeschool families. It is seriously time for Christian parents to wake up to the magnitude of this problem.

  • Wonderfully put. I think this is a valuable post for both men and women because it helps us articulate the divisive nature of porn. Our culture is absolutely drowning in influences that are putting wedges between couples and the intimacy (relational and sexual) that they ought to be enjoying in marriage – but so often we are like fish who don’t realize we’re wet – we just know we’re drifting apart from our spouses. You’ve really put your finger on this single huge wedge.

  • L.

    My husband and I started dating when I was 19 and he was 20 — when both of us were far more interested in sex in general than we are about a quarter century later. My husband is not a Christian (he’s Japanese), and therefore he had no background that taught him to believe that porn was sinful in any way. I’m not religious myself, and yet I’ve always found porn distasteful — I find it embarrassing to look at, and certainly inapprorpriate for children. My husband has always respected my views, and has never brought it into our home — we’ve always lived in tiny Japanese “rabbit hutch” apartments with no privacy, and always used shared family computers.

    So I cannot speak at all of others’ moral struggle with porn, since our family does not share all of the values expressed here, and therefore we have never experienced the same kind of struggle. All I can say is that even some of us from non-religious backgrounds are making an effort to keep porn out of our homes, for entirely different reasons than those Mrs. Parunak describes above.

  • sarah

    My husband struggled with pornography addiction…so I know first hand how devastated it can make a wife feel. Also….porn is just a stepping stone to the real thing. Adultery. What a man thinks in his heart he usually acts out eventually. Men need to consider what the “desires of their hearts/minds” are. Pornography seems harmless in that it is just an image, but it is really a hook that sinks into the mind and pulls a man through a door way.

  • Yes, yes and yes. I hope you don’t mind if I translate this into Hebrew and spread the message further!

  • Mrs. Parunak

    Mrs. Anna T.,

    I would be honored to have you translate this! If you do, can you send me the url? I can read a little Hebrew.

  • Alyssa

    Mrs. P, the fact that you can count on one hand the number of guys under 30 you know who don’t have trouble with this, in even conservative homeschool families, really grieves me! This is so sad. I’m curious how in the world you know these stats?! “Have trouble” meaning bouncing their eyes from the bikinis on magazines at the grocery store, or “have trouble” meaning actual pornography they are currently viewing?

  • Mrs. Parunak

    Alyssa,

    I’m not talking about needing to “bounce.” ALL men need to bounce, and NO man’s flesh is going to encourage him to. I was talking about gaining decisive victory over actual pornography.

  • You might like this video about this subject:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcpotyZ_oSM

    I believe men don’t understand that for women the fact that her husband would seek out the pleasurable sight of another woman’s body is like her seeking out another man’s attention. She wants his mind and heart, not just his company, and if he gives his mind away to virtual, pixelated women, this can be so devastating.

    Editor’s Note: I have checked this video, and it is perfectly clean and makes good points.

  • Mrs. D.

    I just wanted to chime in here, I have read this article 2x now and even as I sit here, I have tears running down my face.

    For those that don’t understand the effects of this topic in your marriage….it has the ability to make you lose your self-confidence, it erodes away your self-image, it makes you no longer trust the soul mate that God gave you. It gives you nightmares that last for years even after there is victory over the issue. It destroys the intimacy with your partner, it makes you second guess yourself and makes you afraid to make overtures towards your hubby…it makes you wonder what he is thinking when he is with you….it is a vicious, psychological battle in your mind….and can ultimately ruin the most Christian of marriages.

    It is a very hard journey to be on, even for the strongest of women with the most determined Faith in the Lord….

    Every other aspect of your life can be completly normal and in working order except this area…it is just very hard to deal with and from my perspective thus far, it has not gone away.

    Thank you for sharing this article. I cannot even share the article with my husband as I am afraid it would get him thinking about the subject again, but I hope I can take little bits and pieces and hope I can let him see how this topic makes an impact on myself and others and how we need to be vigilant with our boys.
    God Bless,
    South Carolina

  • Mrs. Parunak

    Mrs. D.,

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences here. I’m praying for you.

  • jubilee

    Porn is VERY DESTRUCTIVE because it takes away a mans sexual energy and pretty soon, he wont be able to make love with his wife(cant get a normal erection)Ive heard that if your husband isnt wanted to make love to you, it could be a sign that hes into it

  • jubilee

    Porn could be VERY DESTRUCTIVE to a marriage:( ive heard if he doesnt want to make love as much as he used to, its a good sign hes into it

  • Charlir

    Hi there, itd nice 2 know that im not the only person going through all this hurt. Im only 23 years of age, still a baby yes, not married but very much love my partner. We have always had this problem with porn. It makes me feel so insicure, heart, cheated. Its such a horrible feeling I dont know how to describe it. I cant trust my partner as I feel if he can look at these other women on a computer, could this lead from having a chat with someone in the pub or at work? Is it just a fantacy thing I shouldnt worry about or should I have concern. Porn in general isnt the worst of it. He goes on sites where normal everyday people put on a live web cam show and this disgusts me, as far as I know he doesnt put on a show for them 2 watch. Its just the fact hes watching sum audinary person who he could easily talk to or meet. I get worried. Hes older than me and to b honest im a gorgeouse girl, ok im not the skinnyest of girls but im average. I have a very high sex drive and am pretty open to things im sick of getting knocked back for these unreal girls. Why would they not want the real thing?. ( p.s sorry for the spelling mistakes)

  • Charlir,

    Thank you for your comment. I’m so very, very sorry that this is happening to you. You were created for so much better. (Your partner was, too, but he doesn’t realize it right now.) You are absolutely right to feel afraid that your partner will cheat on you. He is already unfaithful in his mind, and there is no reason to assume that he will not someday cross the line between imagining sex with other women and actually having sex with other women. You say you love him very much, which makes it all the more heartbreaking because with a man like that, there’s a good chance that it will continue to hurt for the rest of your life.

    This is going to sound terribly old fashioned and even ridiculously impractical, but I’m going to say it because I’m convinced that it is the only hope a woman has of finding a man who will be faithful to her and only her for a lifetime. You have to find a man with the self-control not to have sex with you before marriage. I know it seems crazy, but a man who can deny himself even when he wants you so badly it’s killing him is the kind of man who is likely to be able to resist porn and other women later in your life.

    I know that these men are very rare and also that you said you have a strong sex drive, which makes it torturous to wait for a man who will be faithful. But the pain you are feeling right now is the price of compromising. Men who can’t resist sexual gratification with you now will most likely never be able to resist sexual gratification with whatever women come their way, whether in the pub or on the Internet. I think that’s a big reason that God tells us in the Bible to save sex for marriage. It’s not because He hates sex, or is backward, or wants to make us miserable. It’s because He loves sex, understands exactly how we work (He made us, after all!), and wants us to live with joy.

  • I went through all this as well. In fact, I am still going through it even though my husband quit porn 3 yrs ago. The pain I still feel at times is unbearable. You see,I am near 60 yrs old. My husband was intimately faithful to me for 30 yrs, and then when I was sick with serious ovarian tumors, he began viewing porn, because I was out of commission for a bit. What a slap in the face that was. Once I felt better, he still wanted porn, not me. And, he began drooling over much younger women in public (something he had never done before). He even made a couple of derogatory comments about my body. At my age, my self esteem is destroyed. I’m not young, hot & sexy, and never will be again. This brings up a whole host of other issues that I have to deal with. I can tell you that the pain was no less than if I was younger. I once commented on another site, and a young guy posted, “Well, what did you expect your husband to do? You’re an old bat anyway.” I expected my husband to be intimately faithful to me for life. And, I expected him to make me feel beautiful until I was 90. That’s what I expected. Not this! I feel awful for everyone who is going through this type of betrayal.

  • Sandy,

    Thank you so much for your honesty and openness in sharing your story. I hope that as more women speak out about the hurtfulness of porn, that the church will take it more seriously.

  • midwestern girl

    Thank you for this very frank description of the horrible, long lasting effects of pornography on a marriage. It nearly destroyed me and I lost all trust and respect for my husband. If I brought it up, he would explode and accuse me of being unforgiving. It has taken years to heal the deep wounds of this and has left many scars. My self esteem and confidence was rock bottom, all while raising a young, beautiful family. He says that he is over it and has been for several years and I mostly believe that but would not be surprised if he is involved. Our sex life has really suffered for it. I have spoken to our sons about the dangers of this terrible epidemic.

  • Janet

    If you think it is mostly young men that get hooked on pron, you couldn’t be farther from the truth.
    The over Seventy are on it all the time. Take it from me. My husband is 82 and we have had many discussions about his pron watching. He always says he will stop. But every time I leave the house, he is on.

  • Brenda

    I’m sad to respond to all your comments that I’ve suspected my fiance for some time as having a porn addiction. He just turned 64 last week. I set up a dropcam behind his desk chair so that I can see what he is watching and have found him to be on many sites. It’s heartbreaking and yes…. it makes me feel like my body isn’t enough to keep him happy. (I’m 57 and actually work out everyday). I’m so close to ending the relationship even though I love him dearly. I keep wondering if it’s just me making too big of a deal in my head because men just do that????

  • Brenda,

    I’m so sorry to hear about this. I don’t think we can really say that men “just do that” even though that is where our society has gone lately. I’ll pray for you to have wisdom to know what to do.

  • People think that it’s mostly young people struggling with porn addiction. There are a lot of older men struggling with porn addiction, my husband of 40 yrs included. And,being older
    and married longer seems to make the wife’s pain worse, and I will explain why. 1.The women of porn are usually in their early 20s. I’m in my 60s. I hear a lot of young wives say “I’m hotter than the pornstars my husband is looking at”. When it comes to being a 60 yr old woman, I am not hotter than a 20 yr old pornstar & never will be. This produces a certain kind of terrible pain that gets its start in futility. It is futile for a 60 yr old to look better than a 20 yr old. And, you don’t see how your husband could possibly find you sexy anymore. And, 2. The second reason why being older and married longer makes the pain worse is, a wife feels as though she has been living a lie for the duration of her marriage. In my case, 40 yrs is a long time to lie to your wife and allow her to believe that you always had eyes for only her, while you were getting your real sex on with 20 yr old pornstars. That is how I feel & how it feels to older wives…Terrible!

  • Heather

    I am currently having issues with porn. My fiance claims that he imagines me being the woman but i cant see that being true. I have had 3 kids and im not a small woman although im not big either, the woman in the pictures and videos are small and tan and most of the time alot prettier than i am. Ive confronted him about it several times and it doesnt change, he gets mad every time. It truly hurts me.. my heart beats so hard and loud and i shake when i know he is doing it. He doesnt hide it which i guess is a plus but still doing it after i have told him it hurts me? I dont understand. I dont want our relationship to be ruined over something so disgusting and awful but im at a loss and i dont know what to do. Does he have a problem? I think so. Does he need help to stop watching it? I honestly think he does. I find porn disgusting and down right degrading to woman.. why watch that when you have someone that loves you? When asked if he had to pick between me and porn… he didnt really choose. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe being raped as a child has an effect on my feelings against porn but from what i read im npt the only one that feels this way.

Leave a Reply

 

 

 

You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>