She was going crazy, and she wanted to go back to work.
And who could blame her, really? She had gone from being an independent woman, who got in the car in the morning, drove herself to her job, solved problems all day, and drove herself home by way of a few errands, to being a woman who needed to ask for help just to be able to take a shower. She had gone from interacting with people all day long, talking, smiling, sharing ideas, to a sudden, crushing solitude, with long, quiet hours ticking slowly by and nobody to talk to. She had gone from a world of deadlines and challenges, evaluations and praise, to a world where it hardly seemed to matter to much of anyone what she did or how she did it, and worst of all, she wasn’t entirely sure if she was good at what she did even though everyone seemed to think her life was easy. What had happened? She’d had a baby and quit her job to stay home.
Our modern world is one of working wives and stay at home moms. For most women, full time homemaking starts the day they arrive home from the hospital with a little bundle in pink or blue (or for the few who are crazy like me, the day the midwives finish up the birth laundry, pack up their oxygen tank, and head home). And that means something that few people ever talk about. It means that these women face two major life changes, at the very same time, at a time in their lives when they are least able physically to cope. Many people wrap all the issues up in one big black box and say, “Staying home with a baby drives me crazy. I have to go back to work.” But since I became a stay at home wife first, and a mother a few years later, I know something I rarely hear anyone else say. Staying home day after day when you aren’t used to it can drive you crazy. And adjusting to motherhood can drive you crazy. And anyone on postpartum hormones is already crazy anyway.
I believe that staying home and raising children is one of the most exciting, challenging, and rewarding jobs anyone could ever do. But unfortunately, an awful lot of women never make it past the initial stages because they are bowled over by exhaustion, loneliness, depression, and boredom, and they run screaming back to their former employers, never realizing what could have been because 1. they didn’t have a vision for it, and 2. they had no idea how HARD it was going to be to get there.
I’ve talked about having a vision before. But lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the other half of the problem: the adjustment, the fact that doing what is so common in our culture, going from working woman to stay at home mom, is just so plain hard.
I want to look at each of these by themselves to take a hack at demonstrating why first time stay at home moms at home have such a rough go of it sometimes.
For starters, let’s examine what happens when you become a homemaker. First off, you lose your identity. I don’t mean this in the grumpy feminist “homemakers have no identity” sort of way, but on a simpler level, since in our culture we define ourselves by our jobs, when you quit your job, in some sense you quit yourself. You are no longer Jane the math teacher, Jane the air traffic controller, Jane the concert pianist. You’re just Jane. Jane the what? Jane the “I stay home and bake cookies?” Wow. So impressive. You used to be able to hold your own at those schmoozy social events. People would say, “You must be making such a difference down at the high school. Thank God for dedicated teachers like you.” Or, “Oh my, that’s so interesting! I never met an air traffic controller before.” Or, “Wow, you must be so talented. I can barely play Chopsticks.” And now when you say, “I’m staying at home these days.” they sort of smile vaguely and look for someone else to talk to.
This is frustrating. But it’s no where near as bad as that feeling you get sometimes at 10:30 in the morning when you aren’t sure what you’re supposed to be doing. You could, in fact, do anything, and that’s a bit unsettling for someone’s who didn’t used to have so many choices. (Don’t worry, after you make a few of them and hold your course for a year or two, you’ll never have that feeling again, especially if you decide not to use birth control. Heh. Heh.) But the transition from being driven by external forces, to being driven by your own passionate vision can be a hard one, and it usually involves a floundering period where you have no concrete vision, and therefore no drive. That’s when you start wondering if those insulting people at your husband’s work party may have been on to something when they got suddenly very interested in talking to someone else. Maybe you are boring. Maybe there really isn’t anything worthwhile for you to do at home. Maybe laundry is lame.
Sometimes thinking these things can get depressing, and that’s when you GO CRAZY.
Ok, now pretend you have a new baby. Yes. I’ll bet you never even thought about stuff like how stupid long term sleep deprivation can make you feel. (Can you say, aphasia?) Or about how it feels to be touched more hours per day than not. Or about how you can’t just go anywhere and do anything any time you want and how that feels after the novelty has worn off (and before you settle in to a totally different perspective on life). Or about how now you will have to choose between learning to do all your housework one handed or listening to your baby cry. And while we’re on that topic, how about that crushing agony of hearing your baby cry? Before, crying babies were just kind of annoying, but all of a sudden your heart is ripped out of your chest and someone is pounding on it with a sledge hammer. My baby, my tiny, helpless, infinitely precious, totally dependent on me (and I’m such a failure because I don’t know what to do) baby is crying. And how about the fact that all those dumb parenting books make it sound so easy and promise you such great results if you’ll just follow such and so brilliant method (sound like a sales scheme to you? ever wonder how those guys got their books onto Boarders’ shelves? now let’s all say, business men, not mothers), but here you are, trying as hard as any first timer ever did to apply the proper, proven techniques, but the book didn’t say anything about babies who act like yours does. And how can you be such an awful mother, when even animals manage to do this mothering thing with such apparent success? This is even before we bring up breastfeeding. How can something so natural be so hard sometimes? Maybe you just aren’t the mothering type. Maybe what you need is more “me time.” Maybe daycare is actually good for children.
Sometimes thinking these things can get depressing, and that’s when you GO CRAZY.
And last of all, postpartum hormones. If you’ve never experienced them, think about PMS. PMS is to postpartum what a little sniffle is to pneumonia. It’s like having aliens invade your brain and start experimenting with your internal thought processes. You can almost hear them discussing amongst themselves. “Her hair is unkempt. Maybe that should make her suicidal. Let’s try it.” “Ooo. Now let’s see if being low on orange juice can make her cry like her dog just died.” Don’t try to make any decisions when you are in the clutches of postpartum hormones, not any decisions. This is not the time to decide to sell your couch, or move to Ecuador, and definitely not the time to decide to go back to work. Because right now, you aren’t just going crazy. You are crazy. You are not responsible for any of your actions. Aliens, remember? Give yourself at least forty days before you even consider any of your thoughts to be valid. And probably four months before you take anything seriously.
Alright now, before the “as yet not stay at home moms” among you run out and book a hysterectomy, let me repeat what I said earlier, I believe that staying home and raising children is one of the most exciting, challenging, and rewarding jobs anyone could ever do. But it’s hard. Really hard. Especially at first when you don’t have a clue what you’re doing and had no idea how hard it would be. Sometimes those of us in the Mommy Cheerleader Club who spend lots of time telling everyone how they should really ditch the work world and do something truly great with their lives like staying home forget to mention that it isn’t instantly easy and rewarding. Actually, it’s never easy. And the rewarding part doesn’t always start right away.
Going back to work can seem like the way to escape the fatal craziness and get back to your old life, like the Israelites wanting to go back to Egypt when the desert turned out not to have stuff like food and water. But going back to Egypt isn’t the answer. The answer is making it through the desert and getting to Canaan so you can hang out under your own vine and fig tree (and when I say “hang out,” I mean “work your rear end off, but really enjoy it, and feel like you’re doing something that actually matters”).
So, why am I telling you all this? So you’ll cut yourself some slack. So you won’t be surprised. So you’ll realize that everyone struggles, and it’s not just you, that you aren’t a bad mother, or a failure. So you won’t think it’s hopeless, doomed to never improve, and run right back to your old job gasping for breath and leave your baby drinking formula with the other infants in a day care center. And I’m saying this to the veterans, too, just as a reminder, so you don’t recoil in horror the next time someone tells you about someone who was going crazy and wanted to go back to work.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This was absolutely edifying.
Ah, I love it! Especially the part about what the postpartum period is like. I’m almost at the 4 month mark, so I totally relate, lol! I agree with you completely. I think so many women flee back to work because the change is just so different and no one has prepared them for it.
Right on.
I became a SAHW about a year and a half before my son was born. I was able to use that time to pursue freelance work and build up our savings, learn some homemaking tricks, and figure out how to (mostly) productively spend my time.
Making your own schedule can be so nice, but it can also be such a challenge.
I am so glad that I was able to get my homemaking feet wet before my son was born. When he arrived, I only had to figure out how to take care of him (no easy thing!) instead of figure out what to do with a newborn AND figure out how to keep my home running smoothly.
Being a SAHM is hard. The challenging nature of the “job” isn’t always apparent to people in the workforce or new SAHMs.
Three cheers for the little mothers that could! I may not have kids yet, but I have profound respect for folks that do. It’s definitely far more than a full-time job!
I think it’s funny how you and I, despite sharing so many core values, seem to be always learning different things in our lives. I would love to be a stay-at-home wife, am NEVER bored, and frankly didn’t find having a job all that fulfilling or meaningful (interactions? with people? WHY? I’m happy doing laundry).
After 5 months at home, I’m now going back to part-time work because we agree that it’s more important to get a jump on our school debt NOW so that I can be more securely at home with the kids when they come along. It’s sad but true that sometimes (though maybe not as often as people think), it isn’t always feasible for women, even moms who very much love their kids, to stay at home. Thank God for husbands with good jobs, but there are an awful lot of women out there who can feel blackballed from both the Career Woman Club and the Godly-At-Home Club.
God leads, and we follow, but as you point out the result sometimes looks more like a kindergarten art class than a Rembrandt…
Yes, thank you! I’ve never heard anyone address the issue as two – staying home and becoming a mother – and yet, how obvious! Thank you for the perspective and the encouragement.
I LOVE this! I’ve got nine years experience and four kids total. I can say that it’s every bit as hard as you say……and so much more than worth it. My oldest turns nine in a few days, and I just want to put out a word of encouragement to those readers who have a house full of really little ones. I was there. My oldest was a TOUGH toddler. Even at four and five and six years old, I was tearing my hair out. Around seven, she started getting easier and now at almost nine she is a huge help and comfort to me. It blows me away how I have come full circle already and can say that I don’t know how I would get along without her help. She has a cheerful and willing spirit and is setting a good example for the others. I am in a better position now to deal with pregnancies and newborns than I ever have been. My experience coupled with custom-grown helpers makes all the difference. Your training will pay off, I promise! Hang in there!
Thank you so much for this article. Is it ok if I print it out and keep it somewhere to read, or just save it on my computer? My first baby is due next month and I just stopped working at the end of June. I was only working part-time, but already I’m finding it hard just running a home – and that’s only with late pregnancy! I am taking a deep breath to try to prepare for running a home with a baby … and I’m so glad you posted this article!! Perhaps it should scare me, but it encourages me that I won’t be alone
Allie,
You are welcome to print my post! Thanks for asking.
May the Lord bless you and your precious little one. It’ll be a grand adventure.
Mrs P., you hit the nail on the head — that’s almost exactly the way I used to feel (and sometimes still do!!). I miss working sooooo much. I love my children but sometimes think I would be a better mother if I had some sort of separation from them, like a part-time job of sorts. God is weaning me of that attitude, but mothering small children is so difficult and exhausting sometimes!
I am wondering though, what your thoughts are on your college experience. If I remember correctly, you went to college (a pretty good one in fact) — do you think that was a waste of your time/money/effort? And, are you planning on encouraging your daughters to go to college? The practical side of me thinks that it’s a waste to send women to college who make the choice to be housewives/stay-at-home mothers. The other side of me knows that college has shaped me profoundly and I would be a different person without it (for more than simply academics). Would you encourage your daughter(s) to go to, say, community college, and send your son(s) to Ivy League schools? This is something I’ve been thinking about recently as I think about how I want to shape and teach my children.
Wow! I think you were inside my brain at age 27 or something?? Part of why I 1) have a sense of humor and 2) try to encourage other young moms is because I was (and am) crazy. Now I’m just crazy with a lot of laughter and perspective to fall back on. I could say more here, but thanks for encouraging these mommies. There are no simple answers.
THANK YOU! So true! I’m posting a link to this, and possibly committing it to memory…okay, not really, but this is wonderful!
Thank you!!
I am at the 4 month mark with my second baby girl (the big girl is almost 3) and really needed this reminder today.
Sometimes it is hard, very hard, but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life!!!
I’m simply roaring with laughter here. Oh, you are spot on, what a delight to visit you today. I stayed at home since marriage, and that left me only 10 months before the baby came along. THANK G-D for the time spent getting used to being home, without the baby, as I was definitely crazy postpartum.
Amen! Wonderfully written!
Kindra,
Great question! I think about these issues a lot, and I haven’t really reached well-formed and solid conclusions. I’d like to open your question up for others to weigh in on. Maybe we’ll both get some good input.
Oh, and yes, I did go to college. I went to community college for two years and finished my degree at Stanford University.
I have always been open about how much easier it is to work outside of the home – and you get a paycheque! That, in general, is why so many women fall into the feminist trap.
The reward for being at home is more of a treasure that needs to be sought out daily. Once a woman recognizes God’s best plan for her life, choosing the right husband – one who recognizes the need to build up his SAHW – is a great place to start!
It is good to hear it from other SAHM’s, too. Thanks for the great post.
You know…I think you need to be my new best friend forever that is if you don’t already have several by the tone of your blog. I was just going crazy yesterday and the day after that and the week after that and well I could go one back to the day I had my forth child making that daughter number three….that is four heads of hair to do considering I am an african american woman who enjoys covering her head…and thank God for head covers on the weeks that hair just doesn’t seem to matter one bit!!
You are truly a Godsend…thanks for following you calling and inspiring others to follow theres…..I am learning this homemaker role and I am often times full of anxiety because I have so much time to do whatever I want and I don’t know what to do with it. So first I spent the last six months sleeping and being depressed and now I have so much stored energy that I have to get up and clean and be supermom/wife. i am actually haveing a little fun with cleaning the house all night and seeing just how long I can live without sleep and how good sleep feels when you are really exhausted from doing everything that matters….
Anyways…I am going to keep this one as short as possible…I am a stay at home homeschooling mother of 4 the oldest two I homeschool and the youngest two I run a daycare for….and I am actually thinking of babysitting??? I really don’t know how that is going to work but I am will to give it a try at the least….maybe that will curb my depression for my husband having a vascetomy….
Anyways…nice to meet you and your wisdom, My name is Thessa and I am sure you will be hearing from me again.
Kindra?, For what it’s worth, I’ll give you my input.
You can probably achieve some time away from your family without the stress and pressues of actually going back to work. Why not plan an activity of something you enjoy–just to refresh yourself? There’s nothing wrong with getting out once in a while. It seems so tempting to think “I’ll be refreshed by working outside the home”.. Actually, you’ll still have the same responsibilities at home and less time, patience, and sleep to do them in. Do something that really will REFRESH you. (Only you can decide what that is) The refreshing thing that I used to do was sign up for a pottery class or take an adult ballet class. Join a toastmaster’s club or just go to the library.
As far as girls going to college, I’m not sure that it’s wise to make a law about it. Why don’t you see how the Lord leads each child? I like to keep all of the options open for my kids and try to get them to seek the Lord as to what they are going to do. If I told my girls they couldn’t go to college, they would probably want to do it out of rebellion. As it is, our teenage daughter would like to live at home while pursuing whatever it is after high school. This is her choice, not ours. What could have been a battle is just a gracious discovery for her. –just my two cents.
This is a very wise article. I had never thought about the difficulties of transitioning home and getting used to a new baby. Obviously, we should prepare our daughters better for these stages of life and maybe encourage them to not skip the Stay-at-Home Wife stage before jumping to the Stay-at-Home Mom stage.
Berean Wife
I love this post. I was blessed to be able to be a stay at home wife before I was a stay at home mom. It does help, but I think one thing that depresses many new stay at home moms is that a good many I’ve met (and I was one of these myself) were never trained in how to properly manage a home, especially one that has other people in it ALL the time. I was thankful that I at least knew how to cook and clean (I’ve known some who didn’t), but initially I was overwhelmed at how to get it all done in a timely and efficiant manner. I had also never been taught the art of doing a little at a time since my mom, for the greater part of my life, was a working mom. Work was always done on Saturday – you started cleaning and didn’t stop ’til everything was done because there was no other time to do it. This did not allow for fussy babies, or stopping to nurse or anything else for that matter. How mom did it before we were older I’ll never know because I was only four when my younger brother was born (I was at school shortly after and never really got to see her in action). So my method of cleaning; the start and don’t finish until the whole house was clean, did not translate well into a home with a very demanding, nursing baby. I was on child four (and nearly suffering a critical mass meltdown) before I finally got the hang of it. If I had not been convinced that daycare and school were America’s version of concetration camps I would have given up(okay – this is my own opinion – I don’t want to offend anybody I just wanted to express how opposed I was to the idea).
Oh, and I loved your correlation between becomming a stay at home mom and the Isrealites leaving Eygpt. Great comparison.
Organizing Mommy — thanks for your input. I’m not really thinking about going back to work (though I can’t say that the thought hasn’t tempted me 1,000 times) and I’m blessed to have a husband who supports me going out and doing whatever I need to do. I know that what I’m doing is the best thing for my family and most days I am really thankful for the ability to stay at home with my children.
Sometimes, though, I can’t help but think that my college education was a waste, or at least that I could have gone to a less expensive university and gotten a similar education for a lot less cost. I want my daughter (and son) to get the best education they can, I want them to have the full college experience, but do I want her to then become a stay-at-home wife/mother? And if so, will I be the one paying for her education? Should she take out loans and let her husband foot the bill after they get married? I am confused about this.
There are times when I’ve felt that this is harder than I imagined it to be. I’ve prayed and asked the Lord to give me a vision of what my life should be like, not anyone else’s vision, His own for me and slowly(real slowly
but surely I’m getting there. And then when I think I’m getting there some other thing that I am not doing right shows up on the radar. Then I remind myself that this is what it is all about, the growing, the changing, the becoming.
Well, I am one of those mothers who went crazy at home, and went back to work. I really gave it a good long try — nearly five years. I had a good support community in a Christian mothers’ group, and yet, I decided I needed to do what was right for my particular family. One size does not always fit all.