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Blessings, But…

Since the original posting of this piece, multiple people have misunderstood my position. This led me to add the some clarifications to the comment thread. I thought it might prevent further confusion to include them here as well. The original post follows these points.

1. The purpose of my post was to address our attitude toward children, NOT to advocate “producing as many children as humanly possible,” or “maximizing your output of babies.” The point of this post is that children are a blessing. That is all. And that is why I chose those verses (Psalm 127:3-5, Psalm 128:3-4). I do not think that those Psalms command anything. They are statements of fact.

2. There is NO command in Scripture to have as many children as possible.

3. If it were the goal to have as many children as possible, then I would be writing blog posts about how we should all stop breastfeeding, or at the very least stop nursing at night so that we can get our fertility back sooner and produce more babies. And while we’re at it, maybe we should all be taking fertility drugs to ensure that we have twins or triplets every time. Notice, I do not advocate any of this.

4. A woman is not an inferior Christian if she doesn’t have as many children as someone else. She is not sinning if she doesn’t have as many children as someone else. She is not serving God less, or whatever else. I do not use the number of children anyone has as my “measuring stick of the godliness of other believers.” This is why I talk in my post about “Jane,” the godly woman, who for some reason does not appear to be blessed in the area in question.

5. If a woman and her husband aren’t able to have any kids at all, I have nothing even remotely negative to say about them. That would be why I said in my post, “not all of us are actually capable of giving birth to ten children, or five, or any.”

6. BUT, WHY does “normal” in the area of childbearing mean, “go on birth control, and then ask God IF you should have kids”?

7. Having babies is the biological default. It is the normal function of our bodies. NOT having babies is proactive. Using birth control is intentionally doing something to stop your body from behaving the way God made it to. That makes avoiding children the extraordinary act, NOT having them.

8. If younger women are supposed to marry and bear children, then why do we today take as our baseline the prevention of children?

I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. –1 Timothy 5:14

9. I am not advocating Quiver-stuffed parenting, but I am wondering why most of Christendom feels that Quiver-empty is the right thing until “we’re ready,” or until “we feel called,” etc.

***

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. –Psalm 127:3-5

Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD. –Psalm 128:3-4

Whenever I bring up birth control, I witness a strange phenomenon. I call it “Blessings, But.” This is how Christians attempt to reconcile what the Bible seems to say about children with something else, something their hearts are telling them, something born of suffering and struggle, something they’ve seen in others, or experienced themselves, something that tells them that children are one blessing they’d actually rather not have, or at least not in the abundance that the “Quiverfull” camp would celebrate. It goes like this, first you agree with the important sentiment that children are indeed blessings, and then you add your “but,” your reason for not wanting to be blessed at this time, or blessed very much, or for having anyone talk too much about the blessing. “Children are blessings, but they aren’t a requirement.” “Children are blessings, but we don’t want any more. We love the two we’ve got, of course, but we’re done.” “Children are blessings, but I think God wants us to use common sense.” “Children are blessings, but we need time to establish our marriage first.” “Children are blessings, but my friend, Jane, had an emergency hysterectomy and can’t have any more. Are you implying that she’s somehow less godly than women with ten children?”

Do you know what is implicit in all this? It’s the idea that children actually aren’t such blessings after all. If we really thought they were blessings, most of these “buts” would sound kind of hollow. To illustrate what I mean, imagine applying these same arguments to another blessing, good health.

“Good health is a blessing, but it isn’t a requirement.” Would any of us want to add under our breath, “And thank God it isn’t because I sure didn’t want to be too healthy!”? I’m guessing not. The fact is, most of us don’t really care whether we’re required to be healthy or not. We just know we hate being sick! Few of us would choose to have a cold or the flu, let alone cancer, or Alzheimer’s, or Parkinson’s disease. Never mind requirements. When it comes to being healthy, we’re quite happy to just go ahead and be blessed. It’s kind of like asking a kid whose parents took him out for ice cream if his dad was going to require him to eat his banana split. If the kid likes ice cream, then it’s totally irrelevant.

“Good health is a blessing, but I don’t want any more. I loved the health I had, of course, but I’m done.” This is like saying, “I was happy being healthy for a few years, but now I’m looking forward to hypertension and bad knees.” Nobody would say this. Those of us who like being healthy would like to continue to be healthy for a long, long time. We’ll take all the health we can get.

“Good health is a blessing, but I think God wants us to use common sense.” You know, because going to the gym is just too expensive; and cooking fresh vegetables is too time consuming; and some families run themselves into the ground financially trying to pay for vitamins and check-ups; and I know people who are always exercising, and it takes up so much time. Being healthy is great and all, but there are a lot of other things that are way more important. This is really just saying that good health isn’t actually so important at all, or isn’t really worth sacrificing, or prioritizing, or getting creative about. If there are problems with exercising and eating well, rather than solving them because taking care of ourselves is crucial, we’d rather just use “common sense” and forget about it.

“Good health is a blessing, but we need time to establish our marriage first.” This implies that good health gets in the way of a healthy marriage, that health is somehow at odds with a marriage, or that it unduly stresses a marriage in some way. Again, nobody would say this. Nearly all of us think that the blessing of good health is a benefit to anything we want to do, including establishing a marriage.

“Good health is a blessing, but my friend, Jane, has chronic fatigue syndrome and never feels good. Are you implying that she’s somehow less godly than healthy people?” Whenever we talk about a blessing, we have to confront the cases of people who love the Lord, but who appear not to be “blessed” in this particular area. And when that area is physical, either good health or the ability to bear children, we always have to come up against the Curse. We live in fallen bodies. They break. They get diseased. They’re susceptible to mental and physical illness, hormonal imbalance, and injury. Not all of us are going to have radiant health, just like not all of us are actually capable of giving birth to ten children, or five, or any.

What’s telling, here, though, is our attitude toward the blessing itself. When this problem of unequal blessing is brought up about children, the implication is usually, “So, quit putting so much emphasis on them!” But how does this sound for health? Would anyone conclude that since godly women like Jane don’t have all the health that others have, that health really isn’t such a blessing after all, or that if God doesn’t give it in equal measure to everyone, then it isn’t something to be desired? In the case of health, when we see a godly woman who is chronically ill, most of us are impressed by her faith, her love for the Lord, her steadfast perseverance in the face of a hard circumstance. “Wow, it’s really hard to be joyful when you’re denied the blessing of good health. But look at Jane! She’s such an example to us.” Few would take her case as proof that health isn’t beneficial, and we certainly wouldn’t consider it license to eat all our meals at McDonald’s or never leave the La-Z-Boy.

So, what does the fact that we do make all these statements about children really mean? I think it means that we don’t really think children are blessings. Even parents who ferociously love the ones they have, still may not think that all children and any children, including those born third, or seventh, or tenth, would actually bless them.

Why is that? Is God wrong about children being a blessing? How come the Bible doesn’t have any “buts” about this? It’s not because the idea of preventing unwanted children was unheard of. The story of Onan way back in Genesis proves that. What about families that are strapped financially, or mothers who are worn out, or parents who can’t seem to control the monstrous blessings they’ve already got? What about people who just “don’t like kids,” or who want to do things with their lives that children get in the way of (like climbing Mt. Everest, or becoming a CEO, or even spiritual things like mission work)? Would another child really bless these people? Are all children blessings, or only some, the ones we “want,” the ones that are “planned,” the ones that have handsome trust funds established at birth to cover Ivy League tuition, the ones that don’t disrupt our sleep and our lives, make us morning sick, or get in the way of our careers? Does the blessing vanish if another child means we have to shop at the thrift store, grab “dates” at home on the couch, or give up our dream of touring with Yo-Yo Ma? Are we only blessed if we are spared hard work and sacrifice? We can’t have it both ways. Either children are blessings or they aren’t. There are no such things as “Blessings, But.”

59 comments to Blessings, But…

  • Lindsay

    Mrs.Oliveira – Do you use disposable feminine products? I used to suffer from HORRIBLE cramps, but they’ve decreased in severity GREATLY since I switched to using a DivaCup and cloth pads. I have many girlfriends who have experienced the same thing. I don’t know if natural disposable products can offer the same results, but I was astounded at how big of a difference it made. It also made my flow much lighter as well. :)

  • LOVE the reference to Yo-Yo Ma. :D

    And this post inspired me to finally write the post that’s been on my heart for several weeks, ever since I found an old AIM conversation I had with Trevvor before we were married about, of course, having children. In it, I declared that I was excited about having his babies and all, but I would make my womb “refuse to reproduce” (yes, I actually said that!) until we were at least 25 (we were 19 at the time)… because I had “better” things to do than be a mommy.

    How sad that makes me now…. :(

  • Nicole Handfield

    I haven’t read all the comments, so I apologize if my position is duplicated here, but I think you haven’t mentioned the real issue for most Christians who want to obey God, but not really if it means having many children. The hidden issue, I think, is biblical child training and discipline. Since modern “parenting experts” tell parents not to spank or even tell children “No,” children these days are wild and crazy and most parents, Christian or not, could not remain sane if they had more than two. If parents would obey God in the area of child training, Then they would be able to experience the truth that children are a blessing. When a parent tells a child to do something, (in a calm voice and without getting upset), the child just obeys, cheerfully and immediately with no fussing. This is a much more enjoyable way to live with children and it is actually more fair to the child, who otherwise would have to learn the harsh reality that they do not rule the world when they leave home and have to find a job.

  • Nicole,

    I think you hit the nail on the head! Thanks for your comment.

  • Hayley

    The Scriptures do not give a couple (in the NT) the right to celebacy for preventing children plain and simple. It says and come together again that the devil not tempt you for your incontinance (lack of self-control) but just for a time of prayer and fasting (not “birth-control”.) Abstinance is for the unmarried pure and simple. The Romish church (sun-worshippers) are wrong, sorry and so are her “protestant” step-children (ref: Revelation.) We offer our bodies a living sacrifice even if it means our bodily death (the Lord has that in His control…if I live or die praise the Lord.)

  • Hi
    I saw this posting on Generation Cedar’s blog and you addressed the issue perfectly!
    I would like to ask permission to publish this article, with a link to your blog, on my blog, please?
    Looking forward to read more on your blog.
    Blessings
    Linnie (South Africa)

  • Hi Linnie,

    Thank you so much for your interest in my post. I’ll send you an e-mail with details, Lord willing. It’s nice to “meet” you!

  • I just revisited your wonderful article after over a year. Talk about being open to God’s wisdom. While EBF our 5th child (first after tubal reversal) I became pregnant when he was 6 months old. I delivered Oliver-all 10 lbs 9 oz of him at home in September! He’s our 6th, and understanding that my fertility returns quickly after birth, means we may have a 7th anytime. I’m excited yet of course nervous. However, what does this nervousness cause in me? Faith! Dependence upon my God and Savior, for His ways are perfect!

    I rely further on my husband, and our bond is so significant, in that we realize every time we are intimate, we are open to what God plans for us. While my life is a challenge-homeschooling our 6 children (13, 8, 7, 5, 18 months and 3 months) I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know my heart before my “open to life conversion”, and it wasn’t where it is now. The submission, the bond with my husband, and the fully living for Him and serving Him through raising children to know the Lord, I must come to Him daily for strength..and I’m such a blessed woman.

    No, we do not have riches..no I am not a size 6 anymore with flawless unstretchmarked skin…but I am beautiful to my husband and my husband and children indeed rise up and call me blessed!

    Praise God for your article and faithfulness, and Praise God for the way He changes hearts, and the way He brings focus, clarity and servanthood through the challenges He blesses with!

  • I came here from Andrea’s post about the subject and I like your balanced thoughts on this. Absolutely children are a blessing. Period. No buts. My husband and I are filling our quiver in a rather unusual way, however and it does take a lot of faith and a lot of trust in God. You see, both of my pregnancies were extremely difficult and hard not only on me but the second took an extreme emotional toll on my oldest child. After much talking and prayer we decided to pursue adoption rather than more pregnancies, even though it is technically possible for us to become pregnant. This of course begs the question, why are we preventing pregnancy and not just trusting God for the outcome? Well, you see, we believe God has us called to a different path of trust. A path of caring for orphans, of providing a family to those who have no family. Of showing tangibly in our lives the picture of God adopting us as sons.

    Why do I share this here? Is it to defensively protect our choices and say that my “blessings…but” has a legitimate, explainable reason? Not really. I am content before God for my choices and I know that following God’s plan in faith needs no explaining to anyone else. I think I share it more in joy, that there is more than one way to walk in faith. I share as an encouragement to other moms who may struggle with this, this “alternate” path. Walk your path with joy. Follow God’s plan for your life even if it looks different from someone else’s plan. And look in love on your sisters in Christ.

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