Recently, my husband and I have been questioning the way we dress for church. We used to have the mild inkling that wearing your “Sunday, go to meeting” clothes was a way of showing respect to the Lord. Most people in the churches we’ve attended wear their “best” clothes for church, and we always did, too. But we’ve started to see some problems with it.
For starters, clothes can be a status symbol. Last Wednesday, as my husband was driving home from work just in time for Prayer Meeting (which is held in our home), he found himself a bit uncomfortable in his dressy shirt, and sport jacket under his black wool trench coat. My husband dresses like that for his job, but he wasn’t so sure he wanted to walk in wearing those clothes because he thought wearing them might be drawing attention to the wrong things and possibly even “shaming them who have not” (similar to what was admonished against in 1 Corinthians 11:22). We women need to think about this as well, and not only this, but we have an added issue that I think deserves some consideration, the issue of not being a distraction to our brothers who have come to worship the Lord.
Our culture has developed a notion of dressing up for church. And “up” usually equals what we often think of as “attractive.” But recently I’ve been thinking about what the word “attractive” actually means. If we say that the south pole of a magnet attracts the north pole of another magnet, what are we saying? Unless something stops them, the two poles are drawn together until they touch. If a woman is “attractive,” it usually means she draws men to herself, and unless something stops them, they’ll eventually touch her. Attraction is the first step in sex.
OK, right about now, someone’s hitting the ceiling thinking I’m saying that if she doesn’t start looking unattractive or “repulsive” that I’m going to accuse them of initiating sex with everyone at church. Just come down for a minute and hear me out. Attractiveness is not a light switch, with only two positions: on and off. Attractiveness is a continuum. It is not the case that you have to be disgusting in order to be considerate.
A lot of us are committed to modesty. After all, the Bible does say,
1Timothy 2:9-10 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
But what is modesty anyway? Is it just a function of what percentage of your skin is showing, or is there something more to it? The essence of modesty is not drawing attention to yourself for the wrong reasons: your wealth, your beauty, your fabulous sense of style. My husband and I have been talking about this a lot lately, and he feels like a woman is immodest when her appearance says, “Look at me! Look at this part here!” My husband, like all the other men out there who are fighting hard for purity in our sex-obsessed world, does not want you to beg him to look at you. He is, in fact, trying NOT to look at you. He doesn’t want to be attracted to you. Attraction, to be quite blunt, is the desire for sex. Realizing this, and helping men as much as we can is a huge part of modesty. Our “adorning,” our ornaments, the things that people are supposed to notice about us, are our good works, our meek and quiet spirits. And when is this more important than on Sunday, when everyone’s mind is supposed to be focused on the Lord, not on our gorgeous this or that?
But most of us women, myself included, have spent our lives trying to look extra beautiful on Sunday mornings, and the result is that we are more attention-grabbing, and therefore actually less modest, than usual. We do this largely because of tradition and because women like an excuse to be feminine and pretty. Also, there’s the herd mentality that if all my friends are going to be dressed up, then I want to be, too, which can sometimes even lead to the “church as beauty pageant” mindset, which can definitely take the “contestants’” thoughts away from the Lord as they’re busily comparing themselves to others. And some of us are dressing up for our husbands, to give them a chance to see us all scrubbed, and polished, and um, attractive. Let me be absolutely clear here! Without a doubt our husbands deserve and even need this chance like a drowning man needs a life preserver. But is church the best place to give it to them?
At church, not only are we out in public, we’re out with our brothers and sisters in Christ, people we are supposed to be building intimate relationships with, relationships which require talking, interacting, looking at each other. If we’re flaunting our nice jewelry, fancy clothes, and killer figures, how are our sisters going to feel up next to us? And if we’re looking attractive, what can our brothers do to keep from feeling attracted? Walk away? Not talk to us? What if we’re in some man’s line of sight as he tries to look at the preacher? What’s he going to do then? Stare at his lap the whole service? What if we’re walking right past a brother as we take a toddler to the bathroom? Is he going to have to expend mental energy on NOT feeling the way our delicate clothes, Sunday best make-up, and bust-line enhancing high heeled shoes are inviting him to feel?
I’m not saying we should look ugly, only that we should think of ourselves as going to church to interact with a large range of people, not to show off. We need to consider the effect we’re having. Don’t come in with garden dirt under your fingernails. But maybe save your $300 designer dress for your husband’s company banquet, and maybe don’t breeze past the brethren in a cloud of seductive perfume.
All of us are confronted by status and sexuality in the world all week. Shouldn’t church be a rest from all that? Why are we trying specifically to look extra attractive when we know we are going to be interacting with a whole lot of women who are continually trashed by the world’s obsession with appearance, and a whole lot men who are beaten up everywhere else they go by ungodly women trying to provoke them to lust? What if we tried to be clean and neat at church, but extra modest, even simpler and safer than usual, concealing our curves slightly more rather than slightly less, and left our attractive best for times when women who are less blessed either physically or financially won’t feel inadequate, and men besides our husbands are not forced to interact with us. And of course, when no one but our husbands can see us, ladies, let’s pull out ALL the stops: the shorter, tighter, lower-cut, more “heaven help them if they don’t touch us” the better. 
But at church, maybe we should be adorned with good works and leave it at that.
Let me know what you think.
Hello,
Thank you so much for addressing this. Modesty is so much more than how much flesh you conceal, it is more a heart attitude. Isn’t that what God is looking at? Church is one place where we should be focusing our hearts even more on Him.
My 18 year old son reading this over my shoulder
, said “AMEN! Thank you so much.”
I may be mis-interpreting what you’re saying, but I think I disagree with you. While I agree that we shouldn’t be wearing prom dresses and tuxedos to mass (can you tell I’m Catholic?), I don’t think that we should be dressing down in the name of modesty. It destresses me that jeans and t-shirts have become the norm at church. I think that dressing down in an effort to make others more comfortable is dishonoring God. I think we need to get back to a time when dressing nicely for chuch was a given.
I’m not saying that we should be all dolled up church as if for a black-tie event. But I do think that it is important to dress nicely for church, out of respect for God, regardless of what others consider to be acceptable attire.
You are so right on. My husband struggles when we are sitting at church and a teenage girl comes waltzing in wearing a tight sweater dress that falls mid-thigh!! She is probably under 19 or 20 years old, and probably just feels that she is trendy and age appropriate, which is really sad in itself. He has lust problems, and while I am attractive to him, that one girl could just really mess up our marriage!
Then my husband gets distracted, probably is unfocused, and has to be interrupted from what the Pastor is saying. That is just not right. I know churches are very social places, but they aren’t the place to be focused on appearances, like the mall or something.
Christian women have to be really careful in what they wear because we can become worldly-looking and be bad witnesses just from our external appearances. I need to think about this for myself, too. I wish we could all dress like Amish people and wear long dresses and prayer caps!!!
Amen. I know *exactly* what you are addressing here! And it has burdened me for years. I’m 8 months pregnant, and “Sexy Sunday” is a struggle. I look NICE – but it’s not about nice now, is it?
Wow.
Thank you so much for this article. It was very timely for me! I don’t think the problem is so much dressing-down (most of that isn’t modest in the least) but giving ourselves the freedom to step out of the fashion parade.
Thank you again!
Amanda,
I certainly wasn’t meaning to imply that we should wear jeans and t-shirts to church. For one thing, the average pair of jeans is so form-fitting that it makes a woman’s hip area into a terrible eye-trap, which is exactly what I’m advocating against. A long, full skirt is much more modest than jeans.
I also was not saying that we should dress to make someone who walks in off the street feel comfortable. That philosophy also tends to lead to immodesty and worldliness as people try to copy the fashions of the average person in an attempt to make people “comfortable.”
What I was trying to say is that we should avoid drawing attention to ourselves for the wrong reasons. If all the women at your church wear mini-skirts, and you show up in a skirt that reaches to mid-calf, then you’re going to stand out, but that would be for a good reason. You would be obeying the Lord’s command to be modest. Also, if the other women decided they wanted to start dressing like you, they probably could, and you would be provoking them to good works. But if all the families at your church are struggling to make ends meet on single incomes, and the ladies have to buy their church dresses for $15 at Goodwill, but you spent more than that on the sales tax for your dress, then you’ll be drawing attention to yourself because of how rich you are, which would be a wrong reason. And if the other women wanted dresses as nice as yours, they probably couldn’t get them, which would be provoking them to covetousness.
I have also noticed a trend at a lot of churches where the skirts get shorter, and the tops get tighter as women try to look “dressed up.” This is also drawing attention to ourselves for the wrong reason. Our brothers should not have to look at our thighs, or the outline of our breasts, or the way our waistlines curve into our hips while they are trying to think about the Lord. (Really they should never have to see those things, but church is the last place they should have to contend with them.)
I believe your thoughts here are biblically sound. Church is not a fashion show. I appreciate your clarifying comments above. In the church we attend now, jeans and casual clothes are the norm though some women do still wear dresses. You would not have to wear a fancy dress to be considered ‘dressed up’ at this church, a dress that was simply well made would stand out. On the other hand, the church we previously attended had many proffessional women. I unwisely compared my clothes, basic dresses, to theirs, mostly suits and the latests fashions. I felt ugly and outdated. I gave away most of those dresses. As recently as this week I found myself remembering how feminine I always felt in them and wondering why I let the pressure of being ‘up-to-date’ make me get rid of them. I can’t fault the other women, the problem was my own. Still, it was a church that stressed appearances and I certainly got the message. Instead of worrying about how I looked to other church members, I should have been more concerned with how my heart looked to God as I came in to worship and how my outfit looked to Him and my husband. If they were happy then I should have been secure in that.
I agree as usual! We visited a new church this past Sunday and the night before we watched a documentary on the Amish. I was even more sensitive than usual that morning due to dreaming of the Amish all night. Everyone was in their “nicest” jeans (tight of course), spiky heels and form fitting tops, full makeup and beautiful hair styles. I mean EVERYONE…except me. I felt so dowdy and ugly in my long skirt, covering and modest top.
Though I know my hubby prefers me that way and I’m not truly dowdy, being around all those women who look like they were in front of the mirror for a good amount of time that morning distracted me. After hearing one of the reasons the Amish dress the way they do to avoid pride, it made me think of how much of this ‘getting ready’ for the day was wrapped up in pride. I think it is winked at these days, when really that is all it is, pride.
I do not think it is wrong to look nice…please do not misunderstand me!
I do long for a church body where the women are thinking about their brothers in Christ and not flaunting what God has blessed them with. It has been very hard to find thus far in our neck of the woods.
While I agree with most of what you’re saying, I have to point out that it’s a bit of an oversimplification to say that \attraction is, quite bluntly, the desire for sex.\ Pretty sure I’m not lesbian, and I can tell you which women I think are dressing attractively, I can tell you that I enjoy clothes that are attractive for my own sake. Seductive is out of place at church, but attractive/pretty doesn’t need to be. Attractive doesn’t necessarily mean plunging necklines or short skirts or whatever else you’re worried about–attractive also has to do with colors, textures, patterns, knowing what things go well with other things.
Thank you for this post. It’s something I think about a lot. I only came to know the Lord a few years ago so modesty in dress is fairly new to me. I really struggle with what would be considered modest and finding modest clothes (if that makes sense lol!) I wear long skirts, but find it really difficult to find modest tops. What generally speaking would be considered a modest top? maybe it’s just this country but every top is either baggy or very form fitting and low cut. I’ve begun to feel recently that the tops I’ve been wearing aren’t as modest as I had first thought. Sorry to waffle on, lol! Nobody, but nobody dresses modestly here. My husband is a very new Christian and so as long as I look nice to him atm isn’t too fussed what I wear.
I wear the same clothes on a Sunday I would any other day – apart from denim skirts
mostly because we worship the Lord every day not just a Sunday, so why should I dress differently on a Sunday, unless it was because more people see me, which then I suppose becomes pride.
Sorry for the long waffly post!
Kathy,
You’re right. When a woman considers another woman “attractive,” she usually does not mean that she wants to have sex with her. But when a man feel an attraction, that’s exactly what it means. Now, he may not “want” intellectually to have sex with the woman, he may be committed to his wife, or just purity in general, but the raw emotion of feeling attracted is a sexual one.
This is an excellent post, as are the others I have read here. I look forward to following your thoughts.
I’ve have just recently discovered your site and I am enjoying it immensely. So far I have only read the articles on why so many new stay-at-home moms struggle (been there, done that!), and this one. I just so happens that my husband and I were dicussing this very topic not more than a week ago. Even I made the comment that I have not seen as many bits and pieces at Kentucky Fried Chicken as I have at church recently – and we attend a Fundamental Baptist Church! On the one hand I’m glad all our children are girls (I would probably be beside myself if my teenagers were boys), but on the other hand I dislike the example being set for our daughters. Quite frankly I’m getting tired of seeing so much cleavage and I can only imagine the difficulty this presents for our men. They must constantly be on guard lest they turn around and are presented with a sight that forces them to search for a safer place to look (and where exactly would that be?). We should dress modestly and, in my opinion, in apparel that is not all that different from what we wear on a daily basis. After all, we are Christians everyday of the week, not just on Sunday. I only have one thing in my closet that I would not wear to church and that is the dress I was wearing when I painted the bathroom (the peach paint REALLY stands out on the denim).
Blessing to you all as you seek to do God’s will.
Hm…I think I agree with the soul of what you’re saying but, we’re different in the particulars (as usual). I was raised to dress up on Sunday, I still do and I’m teaching my kids the same thing. I wasn’t raised in a family where we had any real worry about intimidating those around us with our “dress clothes.” I have been taught that nice clothes aren’t those sporting pricey labels but those with nice cut, quality fabric, flattering colors and combined nicely with other wardrobe pieces…that can be accomplished with clothing bought pretty much anywhere at any price. I think you’re right, we shouldn’t try to dress up as an opportunity to flash an intimidating image of ourselves but, frankly I don’t see a whole lot of that going on in church. I like the idea of dressing up on Sunday not so much because putting on our fancy clothes makes God feel respected but, because I like the idea of church feeling like the highlight of my family’s week. I used to look forward to Sunday as a little girl because my mom made a big effort to make it a special day in lots of little ways. We wore our special clothes, we could pick flowers and bring them to church for Sunday School teachers, we would have a special meal after church and while doing all these things in and of themselves could be a bad thing I think doing all of them for the purpose of drawing attention to this day of worship and fellowship with other believers and making it feel like a special, celebratory day is a good thing. All that to say…there’s nothing wrong with going casual at church and if that’s what you feel God would have you do…so be it. Sometimes, dressing down is the only appropriate thing…even in my life. Context, context, context. As far as concealing your sexuality goes, I think we agree on the soul issue but have different small print execution and standards. I think we can all safely say, trying attract our brothers in Christ to sin is a bad idea, on Sunday or any other day.
I agree with your main premise that we should not purposefully do/wear things to attract Brothers in Christ, or wear things in order to intimidate people. I think God knows the heart of the person: whether they are dressing nicely out of respect for Him, or in order to gain attention. I DO believe that many church women dress in a way to provoke men’s natural sexual instincts. That is wrong. But I’ll lay out my case here. My husband and I are both young, (I’m 23, he’s 31) and we lead a group of young married/engaged couples in ministry at our church. In order to be effective and relevant ministers, we have to dress in a relevant fashion. I have several ankle-length skirts that I wear occasionally to church, paired with a sweater or blouse and some simple jewelry. A lot of the time, though, I do wear nice jeans and heels with a sweater or blouse. If I (or my husband) dressed in a dowdier fashion, it would definitely turn off a lot of opportunities my husband and I had to minister to people in our age group. Before I leave church, though, I do go through a ritual. I bend over and look at my appearance in the mirror. If there is anything coming out of its proper place, I don’t wear that. I also ask my husband what he thinks about my appearance before we go to church. He will be totally honest with me and say \I would rather you not wear that pair of jeans out, since it emphasizes your backside and hips.\ In that case, I definitely change into something looser, etc, and save the cute stuff to wear when he comes home from work. I feel that I dress modestly but attractively. I don’t do it to get attention or get men to notice me. I purposefully play down my makeup and jewelry, keep my hair simple and clothing pretty basic. But if I showed up wearing an ankle-length dress, no jewelry or makeup, etc, I would not be able to minister to other young ladies my age. I hope I make sense. So I guess my struggle is to be relevant and young without looking provocative, which I try to avoid at all costs. Just a note: I never wear skirts shorter than calf-length, and I never wear huge spiky heels or tight, cleavage-baring tops. Those are definitely inappropriate for church. I would be interested in what you have to say about this dilemma, Mrs. Parunak, since I value your opinion.
Hmm…I can see how church may be a special case because that’s not the time to make yourself the center of attention, but by focusing on the lust issue it seems this argument would apply everywhere (as I see from your other posts, it does).
I tend to think that I see my husband seldom enough as it is, that I’d like to not just be able to have attraction between us when we’re alone also. Do you think modesty should always “win” over other concerns, or can it be juggled with them?
Thanks so much for being so honest. I feel the exact same way. Church is NOT the place to be dressing up. We SHOULD be more modest in church, and in our everyday lives as well. It bothers me that modesty seems to rarely, if ever, be addressed in most churches these days. Modesty is a big issue. You can be modest and not be frumpy. In my opinion, the women who headcover and wear plain and simple clothes are some of the most beautiful women I’ve seen, because all you see is the inward beauty. Women do use church as an excuse to flaunt themselves and make them feel beautiful. We’re there to worship God, not to put on a fashion show. Modesty is not about wearing jeans or being frumpy. Modesty is being feminine and not being revealing. It’s more an attitude of the heart rather than the way you dress. You can have the wrong heart and still dress modestly. People need to really evaluate why they dress the way they do. Is it really glorifying God, and if not, they shouldn’t wear it. Period.
Melissa : )
http://atypicalchristianity.blogspot.com
Jessica,
It sounds to me like you are working pretty hard at maintaining the balance that we are all striving for, that fine line between attraction and repulsion, that place where our appearance says that we are taking care of our bodies without trying to draw attention to them. I think the checks that you do before you leave for church (bending over, asking your husband’s opinion of your clothes) are just the sort of thing that we should all be doing.
You mention not wanting to wear “dowdier” clothes for the sake of being “relevant.” I want to emphasize that modesty does not require dowdiness any more than eating more vegetables requires robbing produce stands. Of course, it’s pretty easy to make sure that no one is lusting after you if you look like the Queen of Frump, but ditto for if you never wash your hair or wear deodorant. And that’s all just disgusting. Like I said in my post, you don’t have to be disgusting in order to be considerate.
I wasn’t intending to suggest that it’s wrong to wear clothes that are remotely stylish, or to wear any make-up, or jewelry at all. The overall effect is what’s important. The heart of the issue is: does your appearance glorify the Lord, or does it glorify you?
This question is especially important when we get into the issue of “relevance.” A lot of Christians are very concerned about this right now. The general idea seems to be that if we are too different from the people we’re hoping to influence, they will not take us seriously. So we get the idea that by glorifying ourselves, making ourselves look attractive and current, we glorify the Lord because people will want to listen to us. The only passage I’ve ever heard people quote in support of this is 1 Corinthians 9:22 in which Paul says, “I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.”
Now, it’s true that we need to be culturally sensitive, so that we don’t unnecessarily offend people. A good example of this is a friend of my mother’s who went on a short term missions trip to Africa. When she arrived, she was told that in Africa only prostitutes wear white (I haven’t personally verified this), so all the white clothes she had brought had to stay in her suitcase, even though that meant that she had far fewer clothes to wear for her trip than she had thought she’d have. In this case, she was glorifying the Lord by fitting into what she understood the culture to be because God wants His daughters to be thought of as pure, not as prostitutes.
But what if fitting into the culture involves doing something wrong, something that God doesn’t want His people associated with? Then glorifying Him might mean that we wind up looking strange, even irrelevant, to the people around us. If we’re trying to minister to women who gossip all the time, and we refuse to join in, they may very well think that we’re goody goodies, and not want to be around us. This would be a case where glorifying the Lord means not going along with the culture. We have to honor Him even if it makes people not think so highly of us.
When Christians talk about striving for “relevance” in their dress for the sake of ministry, they have to be extremely careful that they don’t put having people like them ahead of not provoking men to lust. Some Christians want so much to prove to the world that God’s people are cool that they wind up compromising on modesty.
I don’t know you, so I can’t say for sure whether you’re compromising or not, but I have to say that the general idea of jeans and heels concerns me. My husband has to fight the hardest against his flesh when women are wearing tight pants, and jeans are the worst of all for him because they leave so little to the imagination unless they’re incredibly (dorkily) baggy. I am pretty sure he’s not the only man in the world who feels this way. And then, when you add heels into the mix, it gets even worse because high heeled shoes change women’s balance such that they have to stick their chests out in front, and their bottoms out in back in order to compensate.
I think most Christian women would be horrified at the idea that in order to be “relevant” they had to have a certain percentage of the men at their church lusting after them, but that’s exactly the game they’re playing. Clothing designers intentionally try to accentuate women’s curves. Fashion feeds on lust. And lust is a huge problem for men in our culture. Huge. How much better would it be to model care for our brothers to the women we are trying to minister to instead of trying to make sure that we are cool enough that they’ll think we’re just like them? Unless the women in our ministries are already dressing modestly, then we have a responsibility NOT to be just like them; we need to provoke them to love and to good works (Hebrews 10:24). And it might make them uncomfortable. They might even be tempted to discount what we say and think that we’re “irrelevant.”
Kara,
There is a fine line to walk in being unprovocative to other men while still being attractive to our own husbands. And I believe that we don’t have to compromise on modesty or spousal attraction to walk that line.
A lot of it really comes down to our husbands. A man who has, like Job, made a covenant with his eyes (Job 31:1), who does not allow himself to mentally caress every curve in the room, or let his gaze linger on other women’s bodies as they walk by, who does not steal second glances, who truly has eyes only for his wife, a man like that is going to delight in his woman. Period. He will feast on her. He will be counting the minutes until he can get her home and alone even if she is dressed modestly.
A man who is losing the battle (or who’s given it up entirely) is going to have far less sexual energy available for his wife because he’s dissipating it all the time on every other woman who walks past him. His wife is going to have to work much harder to get his attention and get him in the mood, to the point that she may not be able to do it without resorting to wearing overtly immodest clothes in public. See the excellent book, Every Man’s Battle. At that point, it’s not a question of the wife’s wardrobe, it’s a question of the couple’s sexual health.
I don’t know where you and your husband are in all this, but for those women whose husbands seem disinterested without a large dose of in-your-face-sexuality then maybe it’s time for hard questions like, “Are you letting yourself look at other women?”
I talked to my husband about this issue at great length last night. We both agree that the idea of dressing up for Church is not biblical, in fact there seems to be more Scripture against the idea than for it; (such as the one you talked about in reference to your husband wearing his expensive work clothes to prayer meeting, or the reference to a gentle spirit versus the wearing of gold and costly garment.)
The only defense I have heard for our wearing our best for Church is that we should be giving our best to God, which I think is a weak argument. That being said there is ways of dressing that are considered culturally (I mean culturally in regards to Church culture) acceptable. When doing photography for a conservative Baptist Temple, I opted for a long skirt and nylons, versus the black dress pants I would normally where for that type of job.
In regards to the issue of culture as a whole, I think there may be more to consider. My husband holds that modesty is cultural, but lust is not. In some cultures breast are not considered sexual, but the buttocks and calves are very sexual. Would a man from that culture that comes to a Church to find all the women completely covered up to the neck but having on a mid calf skirt be more tempted to lust then those that find the breast sexual? Maybe.
So where is the balance? Do we all wear black robes and completely cover up from head to toe so that we will never cause any man to lust. I don’t believe so….but, we should be careful how we dress. Adam and Eve covered up after they sinned, Solomon talks about nearly every part of the women’s body as being sexual.
I wouldn’t say that I am frumpy, although sometimes I am. I do wear jeans, but they aren’t tight, maybe that is why God gave me a little bit more of a fluffy body to keep me from being immodest. I wear sweat shirts as well, I also like a lot of the newer styles that are more like dresses than shirts,almost like maternity clothes, which is convenient considering I am expecting. I live in a college community and am a chaplain for some of the ladies here. If you asked someone how I dressed they might have to think hard to make a mental image of it, it is pretty non descript. I try not to draw attention to myself. (although I have been known to mismatch clothes a lot. My poor little Noah has various hand dyed clothes that I have made him that never seem to match any of his pants.)
it is a sticky issue, and one that should be considered.
I think being conscious of the culture in regards to ministry does not have to mean dressing immodestly, but I think you can be modest without drawing attention to your clothes.
sadly our culture is sex obsessed, you can’t go to the grocery store without being drenched in skin and sexuality in every check out line. Our children and husbands as well as ourselves will be exposed to it, unless we never let them out of the house. How are we going to respond?
We need to pray for our husbands, and our children. As far as our husbands go, we need to be there for them, completely as possible so that the temptation they face will be minimized by our devotion and sexual fulfillment.
okay, there is my two cents, it probably doesn’t make any sense.
Enjoyed the article and the comments. I have found that the most modest tops are short-sleeved or long-sleeved button-down blouses with a collar that are made of stiffer material (like cotton/spandex, or poly-cotton, or plain cotton) that stands away from the body. You can wear them tucked in, or left out. They are comfotable and modest. You can find them just about everywhere. You can button them all the way up, or leave one button at the top undone. They de-emphasize curves. You should make sure it fits, and the buttons are not straining. Black slacks are the most modest if they are not tight, because black de-emphasizes curves. Same goes for black tops and blouses and dresses.
I think that much of it, as you yourself pointed out, has to do with attitude. If we are dressing to appear beautiful to other congregants (whether men or other women), then we’ve got our perspective all wrong. But, if we are dressing beautifully–even putting on our make-up and styling our hair–out of respect for God and a desire to put extra effort into our “date” with Him, then I don’t see anything wrong with that conduct. If your wardrobe is basically modest to begin with, then having the proper attitude should result in your being modestly dressed. As with “good” thing, though, Satan has a tendency to rear his ugly head, so we should always check in with ourselves as to what our true motives are: showing off and attracting attention, or putting our best foot forward and showing reverence and celebrating the Sabbath Day.
How do all of you people have time to look around at everyone so much? With training our five kids and all the responsibilities, we’re both as busy as one-armed paper hangers. I’m thankful to be at prayer meeting in: anything, since I’m so exhausted from my Wednesday responsibilities. As for Sunday, when I have time to think about it, I get more comments from the gals than the guys: Did you make the sweater? or that’s a cool color. One guy told me I looked like a pumpkin, since I was proudly sporting my bright orange sweater. Needless to say, I didn’t bop him, but I don’t think he was attracted to me either.
My mother told me this about attracting other men. Even though clothing is a big part of the equation (as you have mentioned), it really is an issue of the heart. Some women just attract men. It has to do with them–their way. It has to do with the fact that they have never perfected the “drop dead” look. Or the “I’ve lived all my life without your attention, why should I start wanting it now” kind of attitude.
Really. There are a lot of needy people out there. You need to help them get a grip on reality. Dressing modestly is just a part of the equation. Usually when someone pastes on the makeup and plunges the neckline I usually figure they are so insecure that they need attention. Maybe they were hurt or abused. Maybe they are just clueless.
Speaking of clueless, how do high heeled make the bustline bigger?
I really am naive, I guess. Or maybe I should try it?? GAH!!
Amen, Organizing Mommy! Their is a manner in which to dress attractively and, yet, not desire to “attract”. It is a matter of the heart. On the flip side, my husband has said that some men would lust after women even if they were in a flour sack … once again, it’s a matter of the heart.
er. . .I mean “there”
AAh.. the flour sack. Yes, I remember my college roomie said her fiance felt most “tempted” when she wore the flour sack around. (I mean, the dumpiest outfit she had) Clearly, they were in love!
As you get older, the flour sack doesn’t cut it anymore. Not for them–but for me! I need to remind MYSELF that I am pretty and attractive once in a while.
I haven’t read your blog in a while, but it is always a blessing when I do. Wow! Being only 14 I don’t understand a lot of this, but I’m pretty sure I agree. Thanks so much!
Her clothing is fine linen and purple–church is one of the main places I go to where I do make an effort to look nice.My 2nd hand shoes cost $3, my 2nd hand top wore a couple of sizes bigger than recommended $2,skirt$25 end of season,fake pearls,my sons’ clothing is all 2nd hand,end of season for my daughter.Many 2nd hand clothes just need mending, nuggeting or lint removed. Teaching the children to spend wisely, save the world’s resources and have respect for other christians and church at the same time.
I’m a total loss at looking stylish. Ugh. I suppose I tend to err on the dowdy side, which isn’t glorifying God either.
If I had a “role model” in this area it would be my friend DeeDee. (She actually used to be a model!) Honestly, I can’t exactly picture any particular outfit I have seen her wear, but she always appears gracious, modest, and lovely.
In general:
“So dress and conduct yourself so that people who have been in your company will not recall what you had on.” – John Newton
I’m noticing that a lot of the comments on this post are arguments against “dressing down,” looking dowdy, or extra bad at church. I want to clarify that this was not at all what I’m advocating. I wrote this post to encourage women to avoid being immodest and pretentious at church.
Linda brought up the valuable truth that the Proverbs 31 woman’s clothing was “silk and purple.” But I think it’s important to point out that this verse has nothing to do with church. It’s a statement about the virtuous woman’s general, everyday appearance. As Christians, we should seek to look nice all the time, not sexy, not rich, not loose or available, but clean, neat, well-groomed, and ready to do the Lord’s work. I think Julie’s quote from John Newton was excellent:
I also want to reiterate that I do not see the idea that dressing “up” at church, i.e. looking somehow “better” than you usually do, is showing respect to God, anywhere in Scripture. Several women have said things along this line but none have shared any verses to back up the claim. How does looking “extra good,” going beyond the general well-groomed, careful appearance appropriate for Christians every day of the week, really go along with adorning ourselves “in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works (1 Timothy 2:9)? Does anyone have a verse about how going above and beyond in our appearance for church meetings is truly what the Lord wants, and not just something culturally ingrained?
I’m not one who dresses up much more on Sunday than other days – although I wouldn’t want to wear stained or torn things that I use for gardening or cleaning the house!
I suppose the case can be made for “dressing up” by generalizing from the command to honor the Sabbath and keep it holy… holy being “set apart”. But, again, that isn’t prescriptive for dress.
I have mixed feelings about the idea of “dressing up” for church. As a child, I associated dressing up with uncomfortable scratchy clothes that I couldn’t play in, and resented the whole idea! But, on the other hand, I can see a point to dressing up (not a competitive, fashion thing, but not wearing your everyday clothes) as a part of making the day special.
Karen Mains wrote a book, years ago, called “Making Sunday Special”. I don’t remember it dealing with clothes, specifically, other than having them prepared in advance so you aren’t rushing or distracted on Sunday morning, but she made me think more about what I can do to make Sunday set apart – to honor the Lord in a special way.
For instance, many families have a bigger meal for lunch (more like the typical evening meal) on Sunday. This also isn’t prescribed in Scripture, but may be a tradition that marks Sunday as a special day.
Though my family doesn’t usually “dress up”, it’s worth thinking more about the attitude behind it.
You’re completely right that we should not be drawing attention to ourselves, but glorifying the Lord! And, as you said, we should always be aware of our appearance.
BTW… how literally do you apply the verses from Timothy? (I’m not being sarcastic :0) ) Do you believe we need to avoid braiding our hair, or that wearing gold (like a wedding ring) is wrong?
Julie,
You ask an excellent question. I really wrestled with it several years ago, and I’m not 100% sure of my opinion on this even now and would always welcome further discussion. What led me to my current position, which I’ll explain in a minute, was comparing Timothy to a parallel passage:
If you take 1 Peter as a prohibition against the things on this list, then you wind up with a command to nakedness, since “putting on of apparel” is among them. That can’t be right because it would clearly contradict other passages (the command in 1 Timothy among them) about covering our bodies. This led me to the conclusion that the purpose of these passages is not to absolutely forbid everything on these lists, but rather to forbid making these things our “adorning,” the things that people will notice about us, the things that make us beautiful. God wants us to be beautiful because of our meek and quiet spirits and our good works, not our ornate hair, fancy clothes, and overblown jewelry. I do wear a wedding ring and an engagement ring. These are very simple and unpretentious. I wear them not to draw attention to my giant rock of a diamond, but to show that I belong to my husband and am therefore unavailable (also that the children I nearly always have in tow are legitimate). I also don’t think it would be wrong to wear your hair in a simple braid, but I would be wary of doing your hair up in some very elaborate style that would make your hair your adorning rather than good works and your meek and quiet spirit. (This is no longer an issue for me since my hair is always under my headcovering anyway.)
I think the point is modesty, in the broad sense of the word (like in “a modest house” or “a modest salary”). Nothing we put on our bodies, or do to our bodies should take any focus away from Christ. Everything in our outward appearance should be nice, but simple, understated, not the focal point. People should notice what we do (good works) and who we are (meek and quiet) as godly women, not how beautiful or well decorated our bodies are.
Ah :0) Yes, I am “with you”. (Well, except on the head-covering. Not judging you, but God has not convicted me to do that.)
Yes, these things should not be what people notice or remember about us.
The bible seems to make clear that we not appear ‘flashy’ so we not be criticised by non christians,the only example that contradicts this would be the clothing of the Levite priests in the presence of the Lord as he wanted them to appear beautiful.I totally agree with you on the mdoesty issue status and physically wise but I still think it’s ok to make an effort for church even if it is just an oldfashioned tradition.However what about pride,what are we trying to look lovely for,should we even be trying to make our clothing, houses etc beautiful?I also agree with you about headcovering tho’ am not brave enough to do it, to me it seems entirely biblcal.
I found you through Rina at Into Still Waters and what a blessing you have been. I read many of your posts, past and present. And there isn’t a one that doesn’t make me want to stand up and shout AMEN.
I think some people loose perspective as to who or what they are dressing up for. I’ll bet in most people’s heart they are dressing up because either they were brought up that way or that’s what everyone else does or it’s their chance to “shine”. I guess I struggle with what is the difference in what you wear to church and what you wear everyday. Are we not to constantly be in the Lord’s prescence in constant communication with Him? Should we be reverent in our everyday clothing? Why have to dress up to go to His house on Sunday when we are His temple and He abides us at all times?
I am such a supporter of modesty and it breaks my heart to see God’s people so blinded to what they are portraying. Some know what they are doing while others are clueless.
Thank you so for your strong stand on your convictions. I am looking forward to reading more of your thoughts.
I believe you hit the nail on the head with this one. Many of us try so hard to set Sunday apart from “casual Friday” that we go overboard on the fanciness. We can look nice and modest without being over the top. Like you said, dressing this way is not modest at all because you are calling attention to yourself.
This post hits home because we were afraid to go to church for a long time because we don’t have a lot of money. We had been to churches where we were judged for not having fancy clothes while the teenage girls came in with hot pants and stilettos.
I think, as Christians, we are missing the mark and judging each other by our standards instead of the standards of Christ.